Thursday, January 10, 2008

When the answer is No

I have the most amazing friends. My inbox has been flooded with e-mails and my phone has been ringing with inquiries. It’s been 14 days, and I can’t believe so many people were hoping and praying along with us for good news.

Which makes it that much harder to let everyone know that there is no good news. Not this time. John and I have known since Sunday, and we can’t even talk about it. We’ve hardly been able to talk about it with each other, let alone anyone else. The only thing we’ve been able to spit out is that we’re not sure we want to go back for a third time.

How many more months of disappointment can we subject ourselves to? Not much. Our hearts are tired. I don’t know how to describe it other than that.

Will we take a few months off? Will we try one more time, since we promised ourselves we would give it three attempts? Will we start researching adoption agencies? I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know right now is we are so very tired.

I’ve been strangely ambivalent this month toward the whole thing, I guess because I didn’t want to get obsessively wrapped up in like I did the first time. But I’m not obsessive, or ambivalent, or even sad. I’m angry.

I can’t be funny, I can’t be friendly, I can’t be interested in anything else but my own self-pity. Do you know what that’s like? It’s a horrible feeling to be completely wrapped up in your own devastation. I’m not a good daughter, I’m not a good sister, I’m not a good friend, and I’m certainly not a good wife right now.

I am being very hard on myself, feeling like this whole thing is my fault. And my wonderful husband assures me it’s not, but I still feel like I’m holding him back from realizing this dream. I don’t know how to stop that feeling, and I don’t know what to do next.

So, you might want to block this blog for a while. I’m in no mood to be funny or even fun. It’s dark outside for me and John. So it may be dark for a while here, too. My heart hurts.


Elizabeth said...

Feeling hurt, sad or angry does not make you a bad friend. Anyone with expectations for you to be happy and funny at all times is the one that is a bad friend, not You and John. Just know that Nathan and I will be waiting with open arms and chocolate cake anytime you're ready. We love you both.

John said...

I'm not allowed to eat Chocolate cake...I'll just watch and daydream!!!!

shannah said...

Just know that lots of our hearts are hurting for you and John as well.

Audrey said...

Oh Jess and John....... I am so sorry. Never, Never, NEVER give up! It is perfectly okay to be feeling all that you are feeling. You guys will continue to be in our prayers. Will it make you feel better if I tell you the surprise over on my blog? You asked for Thurs afternoon. I can tell or would you rather wait, you probably just want to wait.

On that cake- John, have you tried the peanut butter bliss bars or the mint cookie crisp from WW. I don't know if they are sugar free or not (only 1 pt, surely) They are delish. If you can't have them, sorry to have you salivating. :)

Aubrey said...

We're still praying and love you guys! We're sad and angry with you guys and longing for the day when you have a precious baby to hold! We'll continue to pray that this day comes very soon!!!!

Susan said...

My heart aches for you. I hope you find some peace, somehow.

Nathan said...

Liz and I are praying for you.....if you need anything, let us know.