Service

This morning I got up and turned to the "Today Show". I don't know why, since my weekday mornings are always filled with 2-3 episodes of "Saved By the Bell" and the first 15 minutes of "Dawson's Creek". But, I turned it over. Maybe because I feel completely out of the loop on world happenings.

Which I'm OK with, since there is nothing good going on in the world today.

What did I see on "Today"? Well, I saw a bit about the lost miners in Utah. Then I saw a bit about the rescue and recovery effort at the Minnesota bridge collapse. There was a piece on the soldiers in Iraq. And there were several other things that brought me to the conclusion that sometimes my life is so futile. My job is so futile. I mean, those miners in Utah risk their lives every single day to find energy sources for people they don't even know. Those rescuers risk their lives every day to save people or at least find answers for people they don't even know. And don't get me started on the military and the people who are sent overseas to fight in places like Iraq so that the hardest decision I have to make is which two shows to DVR on Thursdays when Scrubs, Grey's, and CSI are all on at the same time.

I've been stressing so much about work and doing a great job, and finding time for family and friends and rest and myself. But at the end of the day, my job doesn't affect anyone. I really do offer a great service to my clients and I help them get through rough times and help manage their image (because they are great people). But I'm not rescuing people from a muddy river, or hiking deep into a dark mountain for electricity, or seeking out terrorists in far-away cities. I just get overwhelmed with e-mail.

I don't know where all this is going. I just wonder why I didn't choose to follow a career path that helped people. Why I didn't become a teacher, or a nurse, or at least choose a PR career in the non-profit world. Why I gave up being on the board of an important local non-profit organization because of my lack of time. Why I feel little drive to volunteer anywhere. Why am I not service-led? Is that why sometimes I feel so busy, yet so bored at the same time? Because I'm only thinking of myself? Is that why I want to be a parent so bad? Because I want to lead somebody, I want my life to have meaning, because I want to leave a legacy?

Nah....it's mostly because I've always known I want to be a mom. I have a great role model for that, and my dream is to have the kind of relationship with my daughter (or son) that I have with her.

Totally other subject, though. I am feeling very strange today. Like maybe I need to suck it up and do something for someone other than myself. As rewarding as book club, and game night, and TV day, and sleep-in day, and shopping because I "deserve it" might seem, I find the most reward I get is when I'm surrounded with people. When I'm making a connection. When I'm helping friends through rough moments. When I'm doing things for people I don't even know because it will help their day go easier.

I need to stop stressing myself out over things that won't matter at the end of the day. My job matters, it really does. To me, my coworkers, my clients. And it matters to our family because it allows us to function in this lifestyle we've built. But I also need to remember that it's not all about me. And I don't have the kind of job that reminds me of that everyday, so I need to make sure and seek out opportunities to remind me.