Sadness (Yet another entry into my world of babies....or lack thereof)

Wow, I feel very.......deflated.....yes, that's a good word. Deflated. Other words to describe me today? Discouraged, disappointed, frustrated, angry, depressed. The D-words are really floating to the top right now.

I don't know what to say. After all the things that go wrong in the world, I'm afraid my infertility problems will come across as insignificant and even a little selfish. Who cares that I can't have a baby when people are dying and living in poverty?

But, then again, this is my world. And while I have been frustrated and impatient with this whole process I have yet to feel this emotion of SAD. I am sad today. Very sad and it's the worst feeling of all. Maybe it's because I allowed myself to believe that this month was going to be good. I allowed my "instincts" to run positive. So positive I even broke out the baby name book last night for the first time in a year. And I haven't been avoiding baby sections at stores. Maybe not seeking them out, but allowing myself to pass by without holding my breath and maybe even stopping for a peek at the pacifiers. I'm so afraid this is going to turn into jealous rage and sadness and I'll start avoiding baby showers or some insaneness like that. I hope this is just a passing feeling for today.

I have known I don't have control over my body for a long time. Over 4 years now I have been battling rheumatoid arthritis, and I have to say I often feel like I am losing. My joints ache, I'm stiff, the fatigue is uncontrollable and debilitating. The pain is exhausting.There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to control that, other than take the medications they prescribe. No control, no changes in lifestyle, nothing. It just runs its course.

Infertility has been similar to that experience, though it seems like much more is at stake. RA is just me, just my body. Infertility affects John, affects my family, affects my future. And, guys, there is NOTHING I can do. Nothing. Nothing can make time go faster. Nothing can make my body cooperate. Nothing can keep me from going out of my mind. I have been overwhelmingly hopeful and positive about the whole experience but today was a crushing blow.

The follicles from last month did not go away. They are gigantic and will probably take another 1-2 months to subside. To top that off, they found a polyp on my uterus which they had not been able to see before now. Polyp's in your uterus often act like an IUD (implanted birth control device). That could be a problem....my body thinks I have birth control in my system. Not even insemination or IVF could fix that. The polyp will likely have to be removed.....next month.

Yes, we are looking at another month before we can fix these things, and then another month after that before we can start trying again if everything is fixed. For those that are counting, that's TWO more months before we can even fathom getting pregnant which will bring the grand total to 22 months! Just shy of the two-year mark. We will not be having a party to celebrate that milestone, by the way.

So to celebrate all this news, I will stress myself out at work and fly on a few more planes. Pittsburgh this Thursday and Friday, Sacramento Sunday through Tuesday, Dallas next Thursday. At least I'll get through some good books and frequent flyer miles. And, hey, who knows? Since I won't be getting pregnant maybe I'll spice things up and drown myself in a few Mai-Tai's. I don't even like Mai-Tai's. But I bet they taste better than a dysfunctional uterus.