Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sadness (Yet another entry into my world of babies....or lack thereof)

Wow, I feel very.......deflated.....yes, that's a good word. Deflated. Other words to describe me today? Discouraged, disappointed, frustrated, angry, depressed. The D-words are really floating to the top right now.

I don't know what to say. After all the things that go wrong in the world, I'm afraid my infertility problems will come across as insignificant and even a little selfish. Who cares that I can't have a baby when people are dying and living in poverty?

But, then again, this is my world. And while I have been frustrated and impatient with this whole process I have yet to feel this emotion of SAD. I am sad today. Very sad and it's the worst feeling of all. Maybe it's because I allowed myself to believe that this month was going to be good. I allowed my "instincts" to run positive. So positive I even broke out the baby name book last night for the first time in a year. And I haven't been avoiding baby sections at stores. Maybe not seeking them out, but allowing myself to pass by without holding my breath and maybe even stopping for a peek at the pacifiers. I'm so afraid this is going to turn into jealous rage and sadness and I'll start avoiding baby showers or some insaneness like that. I hope this is just a passing feeling for today.

I have known I don't have control over my body for a long time. Over 4 years now I have been battling rheumatoid arthritis, and I have to say I often feel like I am losing. My joints ache, I'm stiff, the fatigue is uncontrollable and debilitating. The pain is exhausting.There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to control that, other than take the medications they prescribe. No control, no changes in lifestyle, nothing. It just runs its course.

Infertility has been similar to that experience, though it seems like much more is at stake. RA is just me, just my body. Infertility affects John, affects my family, affects my future. And, guys, there is NOTHING I can do. Nothing. Nothing can make time go faster. Nothing can make my body cooperate. Nothing can keep me from going out of my mind. I have been overwhelmingly hopeful and positive about the whole experience but today was a crushing blow.

The follicles from last month did not go away. They are gigantic and will probably take another 1-2 months to subside. To top that off, they found a polyp on my uterus which they had not been able to see before now. Polyp's in your uterus often act like an IUD (implanted birth control device). That could be a problem....my body thinks I have birth control in my system. Not even insemination or IVF could fix that. The polyp will likely have to be removed.....next month.

Yes, we are looking at another month before we can fix these things, and then another month after that before we can start trying again if everything is fixed. For those that are counting, that's TWO more months before we can even fathom getting pregnant which will bring the grand total to 22 months! Just shy of the two-year mark. We will not be having a party to celebrate that milestone, by the way.

So to celebrate all this news, I will stress myself out at work and fly on a few more planes. Pittsburgh this Thursday and Friday, Sacramento Sunday through Tuesday, Dallas next Thursday. At least I'll get through some good books and frequent flyer miles. And, hey, who knows? Since I won't be getting pregnant maybe I'll spice things up and drown myself in a few Mai-Tai's. I don't even like Mai-Tai's. But I bet they taste better than a dysfunctional uterus.


Elizabeth said...

Your uterus SUCKS! And mine does too! I hate our uterusus! And I'm not afraid to tell it so. I'll tell yours so, when I see it tonight.

Jess, I know it's hard. I let myself go to that stupid baby book section at B&N last Friday and pick up and read that stupid baby name book too. It's like for that very moment you forget about all the rest of the stuff and just concentrate on that cute figure you imagine with each and every name. It's pretty much torture.

But, you have to focus on the truth. The truth is, one day you WILL have a baby. No amount of uterus stupidty will change that fact. That's gonna be my new key-phrase for this situation. It's all just a stupid-head!

Jen said...

Jessica, I am so sorry that today has been so bad. I know that you will be a mom and when that day comes it will be full of unimaginable rejoicing on your part but also on the part of all of us who love you.

I will be praying for your heartbrokenness, your patience, and your baby - the one that is just waiting for the perfect time to meet you.

not so zen momma said...

I'm not really a fan of my uterus either! We should have an anti-uterine rally tonight!

Audrey said...

Oh Jessica! Hang in there sweetie! I just KNOW your time will come. I know it sucks but, just hang in there!

Pam said...

I don't know what to say other than this really sucks. I don't have any magic advice or words to make you feel better, but just know that I love you and pray for you constantly. And I need to whoop some tail in trivia soon.

Melanie said...

Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you and John. I don't think there is anything I can really say to make things better. I just want to let you know I am here for you.