Saturday, July 07, 2007

Today is Different

I started this blog because everyone else was doing it. I didn't have anything interesting to say. In fact, I stole the idea of posting about building our house from JC and Courtney and now we don't even live there! But I have continued this blog because it is a small glimpse into my life at this very moment. One of these days my archives are going to take over, and I'm going to be able to look back and think "what a life I led". I'll be the only person interested, but will fill my future life with laughter.

I desperately desire to write everything I'm thinking; write about my experiences at work; write about human anatomy; write bad words and embarrassing moments and highly inappropriate things that EVERYONE goes through but only the brave blog about. There is so much I WANT to write and I never do because I'm aware of my audience (all 20 of you, most of whom are related to me). But I read lots of other blogs that I can only aspire to because of their sophisticated profanity, and general ability to turn every day moments into entertainment. In trying to avoid saying anything out of the box, I end up writing silly thoughtless things that aren't all together interesting and not at all what my life is really about.

Today is different.

My life has been consumed with one major thing for the last 19 months. We waited to tell anyone about our struggle. We actually waited 18 months before saying anything to anyone. Too often we stayed quiet, not able to answer a thousand questions, laughing off the mere suggestion. And then crying (well, I was doing the crying) later about how everyone is so rude for asking and it's not what our life is about and why can't it just freaking happen already?!

Our little family is made up of two people who have two very different philosophies on opening up. Two different ways of dealing with struggle. Two different ideas of how much to put out there. I'm so incredibly open most of the time, John tends to keep things to himself. So for 18 looooong months we waited. And at the 18-month point we realized: this isn't getting any better. And it sucks. It sucks so bad and someone else needs to understand how sucky it really is.

That's a poignant revelation, huh?

We've been trying to have a baby for 19 months now. There are so many things I could write about, describe, inform. But this isn't an infertility blog--it's a blog about my life. I'm going to refrain from turning it into an infertility blog because there are a lot of them out there. One of my favorites is here. Look to the right on this blog for an entire LIST of infertility blogs if that's your interest. But I promise, this is not what my blog will be about--I admire those women that can put so much out there. Their openness has helped me figure out so much of this complex thing. However, I don't want to put details out there, just my feelings and frustrations.

Especially for all my WONDERFUL friends who are extremely fertile out there, I know you could care less about the causes and diagnoses and treatments and frustrations that comes with this burden. But, I also don't want to keep from posting about the issue because, as I said above, it CONSUMES me. The struggle for a baby IS my life at this moment. I don't imagine I will ever forget that, but I want to ensure that I don't.

I didn't post anything here, because I didn't know when to say something at work. It's not the most appropriate, professional conversation you can have. But, it is a serious health issue. It's a very delicate process, very timely and it may mean missing meetings or staying away from travel at certain times. I managed to spit it all out at my performance review a few weeks ago and they still gave me a promotion. And were incredibly supportive, which makes me believe God truly designed this job just for me.

So, my QUICK, shortened version of our story.

It became VERY real in May when my regular OB/GYN called and said "I just don't know what's going on. I've done everything I can do to this point, it's time to talk to the expert". So very nervously John and I went to see an expert. It was a two-hour flurry of unexpected ultrasounds, blood tests, personal questions, and NUMBERS everywhere. The only thing John remembers about that day is the dry-erase board where the doctor wrote down every procedure he would like to do with the price tag next to it. Because, despite having wonderful insurance that takes very good care of my long list of ailments, they offer ZERO coverage on infertility. Every thing we do is going to come out of our pocket.

Those numbers become very real and very important very fast.

For those interested, some of the things we have determined at this point:
-My rheumatoid arthritis is not a contributing factor.
-The medications I'm on to treat the RA are all safe, category B when it comes to pregnancy.
-The problem does not lie with John.
-Clomid hasn't worked for me. It did however work for this girl in a big way! And I may have to try it again anyway next month. We'll see....
-At this point the only answer I have is a "mild case of PCOS". (hey--explains all the breakouts!)
-I have had a test called an HSG. Hhmm...that was expensive. My doctor called me perfect, and it ruled out about 60% of possible problems.
-We have had many talks about how far we're willing to go. And we believe that having a biological child is a wonderful idea, but we refuse to break our bank, break our sanity, and put my body in danger for achieving that goal. Especially when there are wonderful alternatives that would provide us with the chance to be parents and give a child who is not biologically ours a wonderful life. We have truly left that in God's hand, but believe he will point us in the right direction at the right time.

Everything is so technical, so clinical, so delicate. Which I guess is ok...the magic of pregnancy has worn off by now. The dream of surprising our family and friends with the announcement of an impending birth is gone. Yes, I'm jealous of all my friends, and yes it's painful to not be able to join them. No, I'm not skipping baby showers or crying every time someone else announces they are pregnant. I guess because I KNOW we'll be parents one day, in some form or fashion. We will have a baby, we will raise a child, we will be a mom and dad. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

This sweet, romantic, loving process of bringing life into the world is now a MISSION. We are on a mission, and that's about the most fuzzy way I can describe it.

Anyway, I've gone on and on but MAN it feels good to write about it and spit it all out. Thanks for listening. I'll do my best not to bore you everyday with it.....but I may pipe in every now and then. I just wanted you all to know what we're going through right now. Understand why we may be sad, or irritable, or emotional....just bear with me while we get this figured out.

Now, stop asking me when I'm going to have a baby--I'm working on it!


Brooke said...

Love you Jess!

Cary said...

Thank you for sharing. Now I can pray about this for you.

Elizabeth said...

We love you Jessica! and maybe John a little too. Nope! Just you! : ) Stay brave. And know that you're not the only one struggling. PCOS sucks, but we wil beat it. Pretty much because we're AWESOME! hehe Thank you for telling your story for so many that aren't ready and scared for the same reasons. You two will make great parents when the timing is just the way God meant it to be.

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry for all the unmeaning hurt! We love you and will be praying about it all. If you ever want to talk I don't mind listening to lots of technical stuff!

Laura said...

I know this has been a crazy struggle for both of you. Just know that I'm here for you, to answer all the crazy medical questions I can (and if I can't, I'll find the answer). Love you lots!

Julia said...

I love you. And I can't wait to spoil your kids rotten someday!


Melanie said...

Hey I didn't know that you thought you had PCOS. My sis-in-law has that. It took them 5 years of trying before they diagnosed her. Now they have a little girl of their own. I know she did progesterone shots...not sure if that was all. I will try to find out more. We are praying for you guys.

Audrey said...

Big Squishy Hugs to you and John! Thanks so much for sharing. Just think now, all 20 of us that read your blog know what to pray for specifically! Stay Strong and as you say, you WILL be parents someday!

Jeanna said...

I'm so glad you shared this story on your blog! Because you're right, it's not really a "hey guess what" story we'd typically talk about at work. I'm so excited for you and John pursuing parenthood! I'm confident everything will work out in God's plan and timing. Adam and I will be praying for you guys!