Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Hey, it's better than 110 degree heat

Well, "On the Road" has gone so well this week. Fingers crossed the rest of the week will be just as enjoyable! The weather has been fact today, I didn't even sweat and I was outside from 2:30 until 6:30. Nice trees in Chandler. Tomorrow is Choctaw and we'll be on a golf course so I'm hoping that means a pleasant experience.

On another subject, I'll update you with the latest on the baby front. Anyone not can tune out now. Lots of people ask, and since I haven't seen many of you lately I'll go ahead and update. If you want more info, feel free to call or e-mail me. I'm open!

We went back to the doctor on Tuesday. I'll try to make a long story short. We did find out something that could be the cause of all our troubles. To quote an episode of Friends, my "environment" is not very "hospitable" to John. It's a hostile environment. Which means our next step will likely be insemination (there is no PC or unawkward way to say it, so welcome to TMI!). Which is not that big of a deal. We had prepared for that and it is a step we want to take. BUT....this is it. It's the final step. It's as far as we want to go.

He also had me on another round of a medication called Clomid, which when working properly makes you extremely fertile. It had not worked for us the previous 3 times we tried, but the "environment" probably explains a lot of that. was very effective this time around. Too effective, actually. There were three follicles that were ready to go. The doctor said when there are four follicles, he will not participate in any efforts to prompt pregnancy. But he allows the couple to decide when there are three.

He was ready to do insemination today if we wanted to try it. But he walked us through the very real possibility that ALL THREE follicles could take....which would make three babies. Which could split into twins and could mean up to six babies. And, despite what it may seem like, it's not just a few extra babies to love. It's a host of health problems for me and the babies. It could mean mental retardation, physical problems associated with early delivery like cerebal palsy, or babies that would not even make it. With someone my size....three babies would be difficult to carry. But we had about three minutes to decide what we wanted to do. If we wanted to move forward, we had to begin preparing THAT DAY.

My initial thought was "take the risk, I'm tired of waiting". But John brought me back down to reality. Made me realize that the responsible thing to do is to wait until there are only one to two follicles. Because we have not been through all this and waited all this time to put our child in danger. This baby who is not even conceived, but who is already loved more than we could imagine....we have to start protecting it now. We have to make decisions now in the best interest of our baby, of our children. It was not the right time, there was too much risk. So....we declined and will be spending ANOTHER month waiting.

I'd love to tell you that this experience has taught me patience. That it has made me a bigger person. That it has made me value God's time and his plan. But, it hasn't. I'm not any more patient than I was 19 months ago. I'm not a bigger person....I might be even smaller because the stress of all this has transcended into every aspect of my life. I feel like even my work is suffering from distractions and frustrations. As for God....I am more confused than ever. I don't understand. I don't understand his plan or his time or the things that happen. It doesn't mean I don't trust him....I just don't understand.

I know that everyone suffers with something, and no one really understands God. I know John and I are incredibly blessed in so many ways and I know that God is there with us and for us. That he brought us to our wonderful doctor and is providing us incredible technology to overcome this particular problem. And I know he will not give me more than I can handle. And I know that my plight could be so much worse. I could be starving in Ethiopia, or have incurable cancer, or lose my house, or lose my husband, or have multiple internal problems that cause infertility and require surgery to fix.

But....being responsible sucks. Being patient sucks. Being an adult sucks. A lot.

Please, please pray that we can move forward next month. That my body will work with us and not against us. And know that I'm truly at peace with our decision.

I think my next blog will be about the three pairs of shoes I purchased over the weekend.


Cary said...

Thank you for continuing to be honest about this. I am continuing to pray. I can only imagine how difficult this is.

I did get a laugh, however, out of the thought of you popping out six babies at once.

Elizabeth said...

Two things...

ONE: Did you actually say "golf course" and "pleasant experience" in the same sentance? Just wondering.

TWO: hehe "your environment is not hospitable for John." hehe DUH! I could have told you THAT! And it probably would have been free. And by free, I mean Wii Time.

Emily said...

What? You don't want to have up to six babies at once? Why not?

PS When you see your baby for the first time you'll know why went through all of this.

Pam said...

Thanks for the update, you've been in our prayers. I'm proud of you guys- that could not have been an easy decision...

Love ya!

Audrey said...

I can imagine that was a tough decision to make on such short notice. It will be the first of many tough decisions you have to make as a parent yours are just starting earlier. We are still praying for both of you and I know that one day in the near future you will be holding a baby. I just know it! Please continue to talk candidly and rant all you need to about this because I am sure it is nice to finally get it all out. Take Care!