Owen - Your First Birthday

Dearest Owen,
Today you turn 1. It's been a year since you came into our lives. It's hard to imagine a day without you...it feels like you've been with us forever.

I look at pictures from July 4th, 2009 and my first thought is not about your brother's first Independence Day. It's how it was 3 days before I got the biggest surprise of my life. I remember being tired and that day in particular convinced me I needed to take a test. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn out the way it did. I didn't even tell Daddy I was taking it! I was alone as my world turned upside down and I paced the house until your dad got home, my heart pounding. I was afraid I would be robbing Colt of his parents, afraid I couldn't give YOU the kind of undivided attention your brother had received. It's a feeling that didn't leave me until the moment you were born. But Daddy - we;;, he was SO happy and SO excited so immediately after hearing the news that those few moments after telling him were the calmest of my entire pregnancy. Mommy tends to worry, so I did.

Clearly I had nothing to worry about!

From the moment I saw you on the ultrasound, I wished you would be a boy. I wished, I prayed, I dreamed of bringing a brother to Colt. I knew that our lives would be infinitely sweeter if there were brothers so close. I could hardly contain my excitement when I found out my wish had been granted. Colt began calling you Bubba the day you were born, and since then you've adored him. He's the funniest person you know.

One of my very favorite things about you is that you are so focused. Focused is a way of saying quietly stubborn. You don't back down. Ever. And when you accomplish whatever it is that you're focusing on (getting somewhere, knocking something over, pulling something apart) you sit back and clap for yourself with the biggest grin. You know what it means to accomplish your goals and I have no problem cheering with you - even if it means cleaning up a hundred blueberries off the floor before your brother stomps through them.

I feel like I could describe you with a million S-words: strong, sturdy, stubborn, sweet, silly, sensitive, snugly, social...you get the picture. You very much enjoy just sitting in my lap and watching your surroundings. You lay your head on my shoulder when you get shy or sleepy. You cling to me when I try to put you down, as if to say "no, Mama, I want more". You don't say too many words and you don't have to. I can read you like a book by looking in your eyes.

You're sensitive, something I joke about as your ability to produce crocodile tears and dramatic wails grows each day. If someone sets you down, especially when you're sleepy, it genuinely hurts your feelings. So you're promptly scooped back up and your round cheeks are kissed a hundred times to make up for it. That's the way we do it here.

Your giggle is infectious, I've taken more video and recorded your voice more times than I can count. Your grin is so wide, your four teeth so pearly white. You indulge my snuggling. Your hair is growing so fast - so blonde in person and so red in photos. You laugh like me, smile like your Mimi. You eat everything and store up reserves in your round, puffy cheeks. You drum like crazy and love rhythms but could care less about the melodies. You are mesmerized by Mickey Mouse and clap whenever he comes on TV. You love the bath and splashing. Your official first words were "boobear" for blueberry and "ah duh" for all done; I mean you can say mama dada but intentional words had to do with food, of course! Your favorite things are your baby blankets and your giraffe rattle.

I have soaked in every detail of your first year, living in the moment knowing how fast it goes. I am a much calmer, more patient, more relaxed mom since you arrived. I didn't know how having a second son would affect our life; I just couldn't predict the joy.

Thank you for blessing us, thank you for letting me be your mommy, thank you for being the exact perfect fit for our little family. Your brother may have created our family, but you completed us.

Love you forever, like you for always, as long as you're living, my baby you'll be.
Love,
Mama

Mostly for me

Having spent so much extra time with the boys the last two weeks with snow days galore, it's been extra hard to leave them. Also, John is in training and hasn't been home in 2 weeks so they've been so super attached to me. I love it, honestly. Best feeling ever.

But we're ALL ready for Dad to come home.

Anyway, I wanted to just list a few things I want to hold onto, memories I've cherished that I know will slip away.

Owen:

• So close to walking. He's such a fast crawler I can hardly keep up with him.
• When he arrives at the location he was crawling to, he sits back and starts clapping. Like "yay! I made it, let's celebrate!".
• He lifts his arms when he wants to be picked up, just as tall as he can. He often throws his head back to look up at me and almost tips himself over. It's the best feeling to see him be able to communicate that he wants to be picked up and snuggled!
• He has a death grip on my arm when he doesn't want to let me go. And really, he's just playing a game with everyone. Anyone who is holding him and trying to pass him to someone else to hold, he'll wrap his arm around their's and not let go. Then he'll bury his face in your neck/shoulder and it causes you to say "aw, Sweet Baby, you just want me" and you'll kiss his head and squeeze him tight. He does this because he wants the kisses...he rarely cries when you actually pry him off and pass him on. Something about him loving the cuddles makes me melt.
• He's talking a lot more, still no real words but he's being direct about communicating. I think we all do enough talking for him, he just doesn't feel the need to chime in!
• He DOES, however, know how to scream when he's in his high chair and out of puffs or fruit. There is NO tolerance for such deprivation.

Colt:

• He has been extra snuggly, as well. He's always been very affectionate, but it's clear being away from Daddy and having so much extra time with Mommy is affecting him. He wants to see me all the time and if I even step out of a room he starts calling for me to make sure I'm still there.
• He's SUCH a good helper in the kitchen. Loves to stir and pour and measure things. Since I haven't really spent a lot of time in the kitchen before now, this is encouraging and exciting to me.
• He has a new sign for singing - he tells me the song he wants and starts shaking his head and body like a bobblehead. I think it's supposed to be a dance, but it always means sing.
• I now know Phineas and Ferb episodes by one word each, often in regards to an obscure reference in the episode. There's kickball, mom, girl, knight, monkey, restaurant, watchin', Mars...
• He loves the songs off the Phineas and Ferb soundtrack, but lately he's been open to others. We make up a lot of songs (I have a great made-up one about the Incredibles if you need it), but the other night he asked me for a song about honey. So we now sing "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies and he likes to listen to it in the car.
• He also has a favorite P&F song he calls "Mom". I thought he was asking for it the other day but he yelled "NO! Not Mom. Mommy song." I figured out that the day earlier I'd begged to listen to one of MY favorite songs ("let's listen to one of Mommy's songs") and he liked it and now we can add Zac Brown Band's "Chicken Fried" to our list.
• He prayed last night, on his own, for every member of his family. It melted my heart as he listed each person off, and I thought what a blessing for each of them.
• He's obsessed with cleaning (me = proud) and sweeps, vacuums, and wipes down tables and chairs anytime I'll let him.
• Also obsessed with haircuts and the haircut kit we have at home. He likes to comb my hair over my face like Cousin It. Makes him laugh and laugh.
• He's desperate for Owen to walk. He loves to take people's hands and lead them to his play room, and he keeps trying to grab Owen's hand and about takes his arm off trying to lead him somewhere. He can't wait for his brother to walk hand-in-hand with him.

Both:

• They are really loving playing together. They like to hide behind curtains and under blankets and play peek-a-boo. The other day they were in another room, I couldn't see them but I could hear both their giggles over and over. Exactly what I'd dreamed of!

So blessed to have had these few weeks with them. My mom and stepdad and sister have stayed overnight during the snow days at various times and the boys just LOVE it. They love having extra family there and showing off and getting extra snuggles. My feet may be cold, my skin dry, my car salty, and my driveway covered in snow but the precious times with the boys have been worth every second!

Snow Day in fuzzy cell phone pictures

So, like 2/3 of the country we had snow days this week. Multiple snow days. They were great. Awesome. So much better than I expected! Boys were great. We exhausted everything we could possible do in our house: baked, cooked, colored, movies, building blocks, curtain games, made snow ice cream, playing chase, calling our family...it was a great few days! Faith stayed curled up on a warm fleece blanket almost the entire 3 days!

Here are some of our adventures from the cell phone perspective. Luckily Aunt Julia was here to help us out over the few days!

1/11/11 and Fears

It just seems like days like today, 1/11/11, can make people scared or nervous or conspiracy theorists. I guess it goes back to New Year's Day of 2000...remember Y2K and all the paranoia over changing to the new millennium? Today most of the feeds I see are people having fun with it. I'm sure there's lots of weddings happening this random Tuesday.

Anyway...it got me thinking about my phobias, fears, and anxieties. What makes me afraid? My top ten:

1) Driving at night or inclement weather - self-explanatory, right?
2) Getting into a cab at night while on a business trip alone - I am a master at cabs, thanks to the travel I do for work. But there's something about how alone and vulnerable I feel especially at night getting into a cab. I always think about the opening scene from "The Bone Collector" with Angelina Jolie. I like to be on the phone or texting info about my whereabouts to my husband during this time.
3) When my kids sleep late - because my mind immediately thinks they must not be breathing.
4) Carbon monoxide - I should probably just have a detector installed in the house. I'm terrified we'll get poisoned, and my big fear is that I wake up woozy realizing this is what's happening and I'll be the only one that survives. Wow. Heavy.
5) Taking both kids in public by myself. Yep, 11 months later and I'm STILL nervous about this.
6) Flying - always. It's easier now, but not completely relaxing.
7) Being the closest cubicle to the front door at my office - I'm always afraid some lunatic workplace shooter will come through the door and I'll be first. I'm moving cubicles in a few weeks though, so yay! Although now I'll be further from the door and any escape route...
8) Cold calls - for anything. Sometimes even to order food.
9) Driving underneath bridges or overpasses - call me crazy but I feel like if they're going to collapse I have a much better chance at survival if I'm on the overpass versus underneath. I nearly have a panic attack everytime I get stuck underneath one.
10) Open Water - While I loved Hawaii and I loved the snorkeling in calm, supervised waters, my dad had a real near-death experience with the powerful ocean and I also did not like AT ALL snorkeling out in the open water. Drowning, sharks, jellyfish...all big fear. I cannot watch "The Perfect Storm" without wanting to throw up.

So a common theme in my fears is death and death of my loved ones, right? I figure that's probably everyone's fear.

Things I'm NOT afraid of: clowns, the dark, heights. Among other things. When I started this post I really thought it would be fun and light (spiders, casseroles, etc.). Huh...guess not.

I will say that I've calmed down A LOT on my conspiracy theories and my fears about random crime and bad things happening since I stopped watching any "Law and Order" episodes. My husband and I made a deal that he would stop cussing if I would stop watching "Law and Order". Let's just say I held up my end of the bargain while I'm patiently waiting for Colt to yell the f-word when we miss a red light.

I still watch "Criminal Minds" but that's about it. Cutting those shows out of my life helped more than I realized they would. I sleep better at night, too. Anyway...would love to hear other's fears!

It's a good thing, huge opportunity, but I can always find something to complain about!

So, today my husband put in his 2-week notice at the job he's worked at for 8 years, since we were first married. We've been talking for quite a while about what was best for him and our for our family, and a new opportunity came up just in time. He's been through a lot in the last several months, as the economy and restructuring are themes in all pockets of employment these days. And I'm excited for him, but of course nervous for us.

We've grown accostomed to the flexibility and the trust that being a long-term employee brings. We have both worked at the same places for our entire marriage. Which means that while our personal and family life did a complete 180, full of tumultuous and joyous seasons of change, our professional life has been steady and reliable. We've both enjoyed different positions within our respective companies, promotions and the like; but pretty much the same.

This new job also means a dive into more training on his new company, their policies, his position. And it means he will spend 6 weeks in training in Dallas in the near future. I am pretty grumbly about this period of time away. I think that is an extremely long time to ask employees to be away from their families and I'm especially sensitive because we have very small children who are very attached to their dad. So, I am grumbly. Even at my busiest travel seasons I'm not away more than 2 nights at a time.

He will be home on the weekends, but that's not enough to make me feel any better about it. Now, I realize that some people (military spouses in particular) can't feel bad for me. They deal with their spouses being away with NO break for a year or more at a time. I cannot even imagine! I know a lot of people are dealing with tough economies, spouses working miles and miles away permanently. Commuting between cities.

But I've really thought about this for a while, and I don't think it makes my experience or my discomfort any less real or crappy. Just because someone has it worse than me, doesn't mean that what I'm going through is any better for myself. I see a lot of people saying things like "my kid is always sick with step, but so-and-so has cancer so I can't complain". Not that I want a world of complainers, BUT I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to talk about your problems or vent your frustrations. It is a fact in life that someone ALWAYS has it worse than you do. Period. I realize that, and accept that.

I've been making a point to tell that to my friends when they're expressing their frustrations and then suddenly feel guilty about it. "Yes, someone has it worse, but that doesn't make your experience any less valid". I know it can get annoying when people complain all the time, but I also think it's ok to talk about what you're struggling with.

Sigh...just me trying to justify my frustration with John being out of town for so long, I guess. We'll get through it, my sister is practically moving in and my mom and in-laws are ready to help as needed. So I am blessed and will have it much easier than most! This is stemming from a GOOD thing, a great opportunity. And when he returns, he'll be going to a job he LIKES and that hopefully treats him well.

We should all be so lucky.

Smile

You make me:
Smile like the sun,
Fall out of bed,
Sing like a bird,
Dizzy in my head,
Spin like a record,
Crazy on a Sunday night.

You make me:
Dance like a fool,
Forget how to breathe,
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee,
Just the thought of you can drive me wild.

Oh, you make me Smile.

(lyrics by Uncle Kracker)

The tough stuff

This week has been on the rough side of parenting. Two mostly sleepless nights with Colt have made it hard for this girl to function. But just when I thought I would lose my mind after the 5th time of Colt waking up last night, something pretty amazing happened. It was about 5:30a and so John ended up just bringing him in to lay with us before my alarm went off at 6:00. Colt laid next to me, his forehead pressed against mine, rubbing his blankie through his fingers with one hand, and rubbing my cheek with the other. He was quiet, and just lovingly stroking my face.

2-year-olds are full of words and thoughts and expressions and though I can tell what he's saying more now than even a month ago, I still can't understand a vast majority of what he's communicating. Trying to understand pain or discomfort in a 2-year-old is very difficult. I know his throat is still hurting from last week, but it took 6 hours of writhing and screaming on Wednesday night to determine the pain meds he was on were "backing him up" and his tummy was cramping big time. Then last night, after all the waking and sleeping it wasn't until he was laying next to me that I figured it out.

"Baby, what hurts? Is it your tummy?"
"No, Mama."
"Does your throat hurt?"
"Nooooo!"
"Your ears?"
*shakes his head*
"What is it, Honey?"
Finally, he pats his cheek and says "Owie".

His teeth. Sure enough, pearly white molars, the last of his baby teeth, are popping through.

So it's been a mix of frustration and (sadly) anger on our parts the last few nights trying to figure out what he doesn't know how to tell us. And then, this morning, complete pride and accomplishment that - sure enough - Mama can understand what's going on and how to make it better.
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On a similar note, I often find myself in a strange place of what to blog. I love sharing the highs of parenting, the silly and fun and adorable things my kiddos do. But as we all know there are some real low points. Times I lose my temper, times I can't stand the word "no" for one more minute, times I'm desperately wishing a grandparent would come take them for a sleepover so I can just sleep in already.

I hesitate in sharing these moments, not because they're not real. But because even after 2 children and more than 2 years...infertility is still raw to me. And I'm afraid to "complain" about my kids or being a mom for fear that people will think I'm not grateful.

I remember thinking "I'd give anything to be kept up all night by a colicky baby" or "I'd love to have stretch marks if I had a baby" and getting very angry with people who complained about such things. Time marches on and lives change. But I'm not sure when I'll be able to really, really let go of that part of me that wanted something SO desperately. I got it - and sometimes it still feels unreal to me.

I wasn't prepared for this

UPDATE: Colt is fabulous after his surgery! Thanks for all the positive thoughts and prayers. More on that at another time.

Today I want to write about the OTHER little man in my life, Owen. The tiny squishy baby that has turned into a BOY overnight. A lot has been spoken of his older brother lately, and that will probably happen a lot because Colt is loud and showy and doing saying lots of cute 2-year-old sayings.

But somehow, while we were trying to keep up with Colt, Owen quietly and quickly grew up.

It hit me like a ton a bricks after taking the first photo below two weeks ago. He's been pulling up, standing, crawling for over a month now, but two weeks ago when I was dropping him off at school I caught this moment and I couldn't stop staring at how much he's changed. How TALL he is, his sweet facial expression, even how long his hair is growing.

I realized that I had never once imagined what it would be like when he started walking. When he turned one. When he grew up. I have always, always pictured him as my BABY. In my mind he's forever 4 months old.

I feel a mixture of things. Of course I'm grateful that he is growing and accomplishing milestones and developing. But the speed at which these things are happening seem to be so much faster than with Colt. I spent so much of my time with Owen just reveling in his babyness - enjoying my maternity leave, holding him longer, not sharing him as much, and pretty much putting aside WORRYING. No more first-time mom worries and trying to do things by the book. And it was (is) wondrous and joyous.

But it's making it that much harder to let go and let him grow up. He doesn't eat baby food at all. He's almost off bottles. Not a paci boy. Nearly walking. Not a night cuddler anymore. Not really a cuddler at all these days since he'd rather be down and exploring (I know this will pass as Colt is in a phase where he cuddles a lot). He's closer to climbing out of his crib than Colt is.

This is our last baby. And no matter how much he can do or how old he gets, as long as I'm living my baby he'll be.

Owen - slow down. Come fall asleep on Mama's shoulder once in a while! I love you SO MUCH, my Sugar Bear.

New Years Goals

You know, 2010 was a pretty great year for us. I'm sad to see it go, in a way. I really don't have anything to complain about except maybe medical bills and the cost of diapers...but not even that could damper a year that we welcomed our sweet second son, my work provided some awesome new challenges and responsibilities, our extended family stayed safe and healthy, I lost weight, our children were blessed, we're employed.

Next year I have a few goals. Simple, specific and beneficial.

1) more one-on-one time with owen at bedtime, specifically spent reading. Colt is not so into books and I'd like for at least one of my kids to love books like I do. I feel like owen is my best shot at this stage!

2) make it a nightly habit to brush colt's teeth. Right now it's just if we remember.

3) meal plan and cook more meals at home. In the last few months we have eaten dinner at home more. Really for no other reason than the kids are prone to epic meltdowns near their bedtime. And I noticed something...they eat SO much better when we're all there, at our table, eating off our plates. They get excited, even over Hamburger Helper. So goodbye to the regular expense and "convenience" of take out. I'm not committing to healthier meals or a large variety or even a certain number of days each week. Just simply more meals at home, together.

4) watch my portions and make better food choices. Say no. I'd love to be down another 15 pounds by the time I'm 30 in April. But I'm not going to stress about it. Out of financial necessity I'm dropping my membership to weight watchers in January but I haven't been following it to a T for a while and I haven't gained any! So further better choices should help knock the pounds off! Plus owen pretty much only eats fruits and veggies, in mass quantities, so that should help my snacking options!

5) be a better wife. I'm quick to anger, quick to become irritated, and I operate in a "what's fair" mindset. All have taken a toll and I don't like the kind of nagging personality it makes me. So I want to work on being fun and supportive and helpful as a wife, not just as a mom.

There are other things: be a better friend, watch my attitude, spend more time with family, potty train Colt. But I'll worry about those as I go. For now, my top 5 goals for 2011 are above.

Happy New Year!

Surgery

Colt and I checked in the hospital early this morning to have his tonsils and adenoids removed and new ear tubes put in. I was so nervous, but no need to be. I know he'll continue to be sore for a while but in the 5 hours he's been out of surgery he's eaten scrambled eggs, yogurt, mac and cheese, Popsicles, chocolate milk, Sprite, apple juice, and French fries. This is the same kid that didn't eat for 4 days at Christmas, so I think he's going to be fine.

Doctor said his tonsils and adenoids were both very large and his ears full of fluid. Once the soreness wears off he should feel better than he has in a long time. We're in the hospital through tonight and hoping for a quick recovery at home.

Your Second Birthday

My dear, sweet, wonderful first born son,

Today you turn TWO years old! I can't believe you're two, but more than that I can't believe I've been a mom for two years now! It seems like yesterday. I can recall every second of December 16, 2008 from the moment I got up until I was dozing that night with you sleeping next to me. All tiny 9 lbs, 7 oz of you.

You have enriched my life and made it so full. Full of joy, full of wonder, full of patience, and so full of love sometimes I can't breathe. You are innately curious, and born to love people. You are the most sensitive, loving, empathetic child I've ever known and you teach me daily to stop and look at the world beyond my own two eyes.

Right now, you want to hug everything. You literally appreciate everything that comes across your path: Christmas trees, pumpkins, jackets, toys, your brother, bathwater...it doesn't matter how big or how small, you show your appreciation by hugging everything. We drove through Christmas lights the other night and you begged to get out and "ug" every tree you saw until we finally pulled over, got you out in 20-degree weather, and let you hug the Christmas tree. And you were then content to be on your merry way.

I feel such pride when I see you this way. But nothing has brought me to tears more than watching you be a big brother. Caring for Owen's every need, sharing your things like most 2-year-olds can't comprehend, calming him when he cries, and excitedly spouting off your stories to him as if he can understand every detail. I didn't know how having a baby so soon after you'd become our baby would affect you. Now I know - you were born to be a big brother.

You're talking all the time now. I can't get enough, honestly. Even with the "why's" and the "mama mama mama"...it's all just so new for me and I laugh every time we talk. We sat at the kitchen table a few weeks ago before church, and you ate Cheerio's with a bowl and spoon and we chatted like it was a regular tradition. I felt like discussing colleges or homework or something. You're an old soul, my boy. And old soul with the curiosity of a child I hope you never lose.

I expected to kiss your boo-boo's and try to take away your aches and pains. But I never expected that YOU would be kissing MY boo-boo's. I never expected you'd have such a concern for a band-aid on MY finger, and that you'd stop each time you saw it to kiss it. But that's just who you are - always concerned about others and making sure smiles are abundant.

You're a creature of habit and it's been easy to find what makes you tick. You love suckers, you love Perry the Platypus, you love music (and still love mama's singing!), you love showing off. You love belly laughs and tackling Daddy in the floor. You love kissing your brother and seeing him first thing in the morning.

You made me a mom, and I can't imagine anything I could do that will repay you for blessing my life in this way. Feeding you, clothing you, caring for you...it's all felt like winning the lottery and I am blessed beyond measure. Tonight I will see you, you'll hug my neck, we'll curl up on the couch and watch your TV show. Then we'll sit in your rocker in the dark and together we'll sing "God is so Good" as we always do, your tiny voice in unison with mine. And my heart will be full.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Love,
Mama

The 2nd Birthday Bash

Despite a minor snafu with the cake (that turned out was a blessing in disguise) the party to celebrate Colt's 2nd birthday went off without a hitch! My sister made the super cool sign (that tore and blew away about 30 minutes after putting it up, thanks 30 mph winds) and we had a fun Phineas and Ferb theme. Colt was excited and loved all the guests and the presents. Can't believe I've got another birthday party under my belt...only two months until Owen's first big bash!

Things

Things I am avoiding doing that MUST be done:
-Planning food and decorations for Colt's birthday party THIS SATURDAY
-Paying medical bills
-Ordering Christmas cards
-Making my Christmas card list
-Ordering family photos
-Christmas shopping (online or otherwise)
-Coming up with family traditions for Christmas
-Finishing my presentation at work
-Planning dinner and babysitter instructions for our night out to Michael Buble concert TONIGHT
-Wrapping presents
-Laundry
-Buying presents for daycare teachers
-Tracking Weight Watchers points

Things I don't have to worry about:
-Cleaning my house - it's been pretty well-maintained
-Budgeting for Christmas shopping - DONE!
-Finishing this other presentation - DONE!

Things I'm doing instead:
-Blogging...enough said

Elizabeth Edwards

I saw the news that Elizabeth Edwards died today, and it made me much more sad than I expected. I wouldn't ever say I was a huge fan of her husband's, and I tend to approach all things politics with a cynical attitude. So, I don't know the true Elizabeth Edwards.

But I know her reputation. And her reputation, what she'll be remembered by, is that she was kind, she was loyal, and she was an amazing wife and mother. She persevered, she rose above the tragedies and scandals. She had a grace and a presence about her.

So, I don't know if that's what she was like when cameras were off and she was surrounded only by those who loved her. I sure hope she was like that. But I DO know that I can only hope to be remembered that way. And it's a life worth striving for.

Sleep well, Elizabeth. Rest in peace.

Pictures from the last month

They crush me

So many pictures, so little time to organize and post! Here are a couple from the last week from my phone. Not the greatest quality but both capture the boys' sweetness right now.

Last night I put up the rest of our Christmas decorations. We'd put the tree up before Thanksgiving, and Colt "wakes up" the tree every morning (turns the lights on). But last night I drug everything else out and got our mini-Christmas wonderland all set up. One thing I knew would be a hit was a large stuffed Santa Mickey Mouse. We got it last year during the height of Colt's Mickey obsession. So I set it on the fireplace last night and waited for his reaction.

It was priceless. There was a hushed whisper of amazement: "Mickey!" he said. He approached the animal every so gently, wrapped him up in his arms and nuzzled their noses together. He then kissed him and said "MmmmWAH". And, of course, Mickey had to ride to school with us (see picture below). He held on so tightly, his arms wrapped around him the whole way. He was crushed to leave him but said a sad "bye-bye Mickey" when I told him Mickey was going to work with Mommy. He bravely headed into the building without his new BFF.

This just encompasses Colt's spirit so well. He is SO kind, SO sensitive, and SO loving. It breaks my heart in a good way a hundred times a day. Even when he's frustrated or gets mad, it takes only a few minutes to wrap his arms around my neck and say "Uv You Mama". He is so kind to Owen. The minute Owen cries Colt pats him or brings him toys. He shares EVERYTHING. Even when Owen comes and takes something, Colt almost always willingly gives up that toy to keep his brother from crying.

And Owen is a complete snuggler right now. Over the weekend at my grandparents house, he sat with my grandma calmly and lovingly most of the weekend. He laughs and smiles 98% of the time. And the kisses...oh, the kisses. He opens his mouth and dives right into your lips. Plenty of slobber but I don't mind. I know the slobbery open-mouth kisses disappear so quickly I'm soaking (literally) them up as long as I can.

The joy is overwhelming and crushing. I can't imagine that it gets better than this!

The more things change the more they stay the same

Laying here at my grandparents house in the same room, same bed as I've slept on every visit since I was born. Pretty much the same story but a few twists: husband in the other twin bed instead of sister, reading iPhone under the covers instead of a Babysitters Club book with a flashlight, and trying to stay quiet not so my mom won't bust me but rather so I won't wake my sleeping oldest son. This room is full of love and memories!

The Dragon and the Puppy

There will be more photos to come, but a sneak peek at the boys ready for some Halloween awesomness. I just want to eat them up!

Videos of the boys!

John here...Jessica told me to get on her blog tonight and post a couple of videos of the boys, so here ya go!


The first is Owen. He is definately not camera shy. He is now sitting up on his own, and discovered how to put his paci in all by himself. You will rarely ever see him not smiling!




This one is of Colt after he helped daddy carve his first pumpkin (or as Colt calls it, the momkey).

Survival Mode

So we've been operating in "survival mode" for quite some time. You know - cutting corners, doing things (or not doing things) we feel pretty guilty about to make it through the day. And I don't mean bad things...I mean things like we eat out far too often, or give Colt hot dogs for dinner 3 nights in a row, we don't eat together as a family, sometimes we keep Colt up too late just for some play time, or skip Owen's bath for the third night in a row and instead wipe him down with a baby wipe. You know you're in survival mode when it takes you 4 days to complete a blog post.

I think every family hits times where it's "survival mode". I don't believe this is just an issue in families where both parents work, though I've been struggling with feeling like that lately. Work, for me, has been both awesome and exhausting lately. Most of you know this is the time of year that I travel and this year was probably the most travel I've ever had in a season. I believe we've come through it with grace and peace and continued thankfulness for having family at every corner who can help get us through.

There are lots of things in survival mode I want to change. Going to church more often is a big one. We go every Sunday morning but I'd like to go Wednesday nights and spend more time with our small group/Bible class. Unfortunately that's one that probably will have to wait as my kids are melting down and ready for bed by 7p during the week, sometimes earlier.

Spending time with my husband that doesn't involve football games or favorite sitcoms (meaning out of the house) is a big one. But unfortunately every extra minute I have outside of work I'm wanting to be with the boys. Or asleep!

One thing I have taken control of is weight loss and exercise. It's not easy, oh no. Not easy. But I joined Weight Watchers, and I'm losing weight! Noticing a difference in my clothes and feeling better about my looks in just a matter of weeks. I personally think it's pretty impressive with all the travel I do and how little control I often have over my diet. In addition, I've joined a Zumba class and when I'm not in class I'm doing the Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred. I HATE it. I HATE exercising. But I'm doing it!

The biggest one that I often feel guilty about is meals. Colt has to eat early, he has an early lunch and is starving by the time we get home. I also HATE to cook and I'd rather spend those few hours in the evening with the boys rather than in the kitchen. And so, we've relied on Gerber Toddler Meals and as of late hot dogs or fast food. And after he goes to bed, John runs to fast food restaurant again for our meals. It seems so simple and yet it's so exhausting.

So I'm trying something new. I've made a list of easy-to-make meals for Colt. Things I can make over the weekend and reheat. Meals with better ingredients that can be assembled and cooked in minutes. And, honestly, just having a plan. It sounds so silly but I've been praying about it a lot. It's a goal I have that is going to be HARD for us. I dread it, but know that I want Colt to eat better or at least be exposed to better food.

For reasons that require their own post these meals are not necessarily for me and John. Seriously, it's a whole other post. But it's a step. A start. I'll never be known to my kids as a great cook. But I can at least feel like their mealtimes were important enough to me to make a plan and spend time in the kitchen.

I'm motivating myself to cook several meals tomorrow by baking Pumpkin Bread tonight. It's one of the things I'm actually pretty good at. So I will enjoy warm, gooey, buttery pumpkin bread tomorrow as I slave over the oven. Feel sorry for me, ok?!