Friday, January 07, 2011

The tough stuff

This week has been on the rough side of parenting. Two mostly sleepless nights with Colt have made it hard for this girl to function. But just when I thought I would lose my mind after the 5th time of Colt waking up last night, something pretty amazing happened. It was about 5:30a and so John ended up just bringing him in to lay with us before my alarm went off at 6:00. Colt laid next to me, his forehead pressed against mine, rubbing his blankie through his fingers with one hand, and rubbing my cheek with the other. He was quiet, and just lovingly stroking my face.

2-year-olds are full of words and thoughts and expressions and though I can tell what he's saying more now than even a month ago, I still can't understand a vast majority of what he's communicating. Trying to understand pain or discomfort in a 2-year-old is very difficult. I know his throat is still hurting from last week, but it took 6 hours of writhing and screaming on Wednesday night to determine the pain meds he was on were "backing him up" and his tummy was cramping big time. Then last night, after all the waking and sleeping it wasn't until he was laying next to me that I figured it out.

"Baby, what hurts? Is it your tummy?"
"No, Mama."
"Does your throat hurt?"
"Your ears?"
*shakes his head*
"What is it, Honey?"
Finally, he pats his cheek and says "Owie".

His teeth. Sure enough, pearly white molars, the last of his baby teeth, are popping through.

So it's been a mix of frustration and (sadly) anger on our parts the last few nights trying to figure out what he doesn't know how to tell us. And then, this morning, complete pride and accomplishment that - sure enough - Mama can understand what's going on and how to make it better.

On a similar note, I often find myself in a strange place of what to blog. I love sharing the highs of parenting, the silly and fun and adorable things my kiddos do. But as we all know there are some real low points. Times I lose my temper, times I can't stand the word "no" for one more minute, times I'm desperately wishing a grandparent would come take them for a sleepover so I can just sleep in already.

I hesitate in sharing these moments, not because they're not real. But because even after 2 children and more than 2 years...infertility is still raw to me. And I'm afraid to "complain" about my kids or being a mom for fear that people will think I'm not grateful.

I remember thinking "I'd give anything to be kept up all night by a colicky baby" or "I'd love to have stretch marks if I had a baby" and getting very angry with people who complained about such things. Time marches on and lives change. But I'm not sure when I'll be able to really, really let go of that part of me that wanted something SO desperately. I got it - and sometimes it still feels unreal to me.


Sammy said...

Yeah, I also feel like I can't complain! I used to hate it when people who were infertile and then had breakthrough, complained. But I had no idea of the reality of parenting and that sometimes it is just so hard. Regardless of HOW we got to have children, the reality is still really hard at times.
I think we need to give ourselves permission to complain sometimes and not fear the judgement! Easier said than done I think ....

Angie said...

There are times I think the same things. I guess for me, the fear of judgement stems from me knowing full well that before, I did the judging. When I hear other moms complain now, I think, "good, I'm not the only one" but before, I thought, "I would give anything for THAT and she's complaining?". The feelings are real, normal, mommy feelings. Thanks for posting such real thoughts!

alison said...

I love hearing about the tough stuff. Not because I love that it's happening, but because it makes you human - it's what makes us all human. I don't really think you're complaining, just blogging. Sometimes when I read blogs where people are going on and on AND ON, post after post about how their kid won't nap or some equally mundane thing, that makes me a bit stabby. Partially because I don't give a rat's arse, and partially because there are millions of people who would give their right arm to have a kid who doesn't nap.

Anyway, all that to say, you're awesome, please don't change. :)