Wednesday, October 14, 2009

N

So I haven't mentioned Colt's birthmother, N, in a long while. Mostly because our relationship has been pretty one-sided up to this point. Understandable, but it's brought about many emotions for me - especially lately.

The other day I was gathering up a new pack of pictures to send her and I was writing the letter. THE letter. The one where I told her we were pregnant. I can't even tell you how nervous I was to write that letter. I mean, it's just not something I TRULY prepared myself to have to write, even though there's a whole section about it in the adoption application with our agency. I can't remember the exact questions but it's basically along the lines of "How would you react if you were to have a biological child after adoption?". You answer, never believing you'll actually have to face it.

Anyway, I delayed writing the letter for probably a month. Once I finally wrote the letter, it felt like writing a confession. I won't go into it here, because it's between us, but I basically just told her that the pregnancy took us completely by surprise. I told her my biggest fear was that she would think we had misled her about our fertility problems. That she'd thinking we were less than honest. I was fearful she would be mad that Colt wouldn't have more time as our only child. And, ultimately, I didn't want her to think for one second that we would love him any less.

I sent the letter last week. Heard from our caseworker today that N called her last night. She was happy for us. But she was having some anxiety and was having trouble verbalizing what her fear really was. Ultimately, the short of it, she is just afraid that once the baby gets here we'll love Colt less. (TEARS, flowing, right now as I'm typing). T told her that she completely understood those fears, but she wanted to reassure her that she had spoken to both of us and that just wasn't the case. She shared with her some of our thoughts and fears, and that we loved Colt SO MUCH there was just no way we could love him any less.

N started to feel better, and told T that she believed her. But, she would feel a lot better if she could hear it from me directly. I didn't think twice before I blurted out "yes" when T asked if I would be willing to call her. I need to be able to talk to her about it as much as she needs to hear it. Letters just can't do that justice. We decided that I would call N from my cell phone directly and I'm very happy about that. We haven't had any direct contact with her since the day Colt was born and to have a line of communication like that means a lot.

So...I'm calling her in a little while. She has some MAJOR things going on in her life right now. Not sure I want to share here right now, but her family landscape is changing and we're happy for her. I can only pray that God gives me the right words and strength to convey my love for my son in a way that erases any fear from her mind. I think it may be the final thing I need to truly feel at peace with this pregnancy and to start feeling like it's an exciting thing. I've felt a lot of guilt and I'm hoping this helps alleviate some of that (I KNOW I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do so that's that).

So...prayers needed!

9 comments:

LL said...

praying for peace for you and for N, praying that God will lead you in the coversation and you will find the right woirds to convey what you truly feel!

Mountain Girl said...

Ahhh, I am sad that you have felt such anxiety and guilt over this. Just think Colt will have a brother! I have no doubt that you both will have more love to go around to both boys. I will pray that your conversation will bring both of you peace and excitement!

hope548 said...

When I was briefly pregnant, I feared the same thing. How do you convey how much you love your child and that you're actually worried about having enough love for a second? I hope your call with N goes/went well. Please let us know how it goes.

RB said...

Hope your call goes well :)

ChandraJoy said...

I pray the call went well. You are such an awesome mom!

Mrs H said...

I imagine that would be a very hard phone call. It's probabably better "live" than in a letter though.

You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy I hope you are able to now.

Peace and love all around!

KLTTX said...

I was glad to see on FB that the call went well.

I nominated you for a Kreativ blogger award on my blog.

Leah said...

Prayers coming your way. What an amazing letter it sounds like you sent her. I have no doubt that you will always be madly in love with your Colt.

Becky said...

That must be very difficult!! I can understand her fears and hope that you were able to ease them!