Sooner Trio

So after Labor Day weekend I lost my digital camera. FINALLY after tearing up our bedroom on Sunday I found it under the bed. I was determined that I would find it, as we were going to the Pumpkin Patch on Sunday and EVERYONE knows the only reason you take babies to the Pumpkin Patch is for obligatory photos with hay bales and pumpkins. Otherwise, what a waste of a trip!

So I found it. But it meant that I missed an entire month of documenting our son's life in pictures. I'm terrible, I know and he'll probably NEVER forgive me for leaving out most of his 9th month. In the meantime while I'm uploading said obligatory hay bale and pumpkin pictures, enjoy this adorable photo of Colt and his BFF's, Anna and Van at the OU/Texas game this past Saturday. They make the heartbreaking losses a little easier to deal with.

I CAN tell you they are teaching us valuable lessons in what we say when watching a football game. Turns out "crap", "sucks", and "pissed off" aren't really what you'd call "cleaning up your language"...John and I have a long way to go, sigh. We thought we were making progress with this vice!

Van plays the role of Big Brother to these two very well. They LOVE watching him and keeping up with him. Colt wanted to follow him around all day and Anna stared lovingly at him all day as he ran around and performed for everyone. It's fun to see them with someone who's not too much older, but just old enough to be cool...

Recapping the call

I didn't mean to wait so long to update! Sorry for leaving some of you hanging about the call with N on Wednesday.

It went SO well. We spoke for 30 minutes and it was comfortable, sweet, and just really reassuring. I was really amazed at how SHE was putting ME at ease and her maturity level was so high during the call. Especially because I was nervous when we first started talking and I just started spouting random pieces of info about Colt and laughing this really weird nervous laugh. She was patient and listened, then brought me back around to what the call was really about. Thinking back on it, I'm just really impressed.

She told me that when she first read my letter that we were expecting a baby, she started to cry because she was so scared that it meant things would change. Our feelings would Colt would somehow be lessened with the addition of a biological baby. But you could tell she already KNEW that wasn't the case, the logic was telling her that it would be no different. But her heart just wanted to hear me say it.

It's important to stop here and let you know I didn't cry one time during the call. Go Me!

Remember how I said in the last post that her family landscape was changing? I think it's ok to go ahead and say what that means because it's pretty crazy actually. She's getting married next weekend...and she's expecting a baby girl on March 6th, which is 12 days after our baby boy is due. There are so many things that have gone through my head on this one, but the one that stands out is that it makes me feel really at peace knowing that no matter where Colt was, he'd be a big brother at 14 months old.

She told me how nervous she was to tell me that she was pregnant again. I told her I thought it was funny that we were both so scared to tell each other basically the same news! And it's wonderful news, and it means more precious babies and we were both so scared.

We talked a lot about her fiance and how much he looks forward to seeing Colt's pictures and how excited he is to be a dad. We talked about getting together for our next visit. She said over and over how thankful she was to have contact, I told her how much we wanted to hear from her and stay in contact.

It was perfect.

Hopefully we'll go visit in the next month or so, as Colt gets closer to his one-year birthday. And now that we are both comfortable with direct contact, maybe we'll hear from her more often. She's pretty awesome.

So...the call went great! Thanks for your prayers!

N

So I haven't mentioned Colt's birthmother, N, in a long while. Mostly because our relationship has been pretty one-sided up to this point. Understandable, but it's brought about many emotions for me - especially lately.

The other day I was gathering up a new pack of pictures to send her and I was writing the letter. THE letter. The one where I told her we were pregnant. I can't even tell you how nervous I was to write that letter. I mean, it's just not something I TRULY prepared myself to have to write, even though there's a whole section about it in the adoption application with our agency. I can't remember the exact questions but it's basically along the lines of "How would you react if you were to have a biological child after adoption?". You answer, never believing you'll actually have to face it.

Anyway, I delayed writing the letter for probably a month. Once I finally wrote the letter, it felt like writing a confession. I won't go into it here, because it's between us, but I basically just told her that the pregnancy took us completely by surprise. I told her my biggest fear was that she would think we had misled her about our fertility problems. That she'd thinking we were less than honest. I was fearful she would be mad that Colt wouldn't have more time as our only child. And, ultimately, I didn't want her to think for one second that we would love him any less.

I sent the letter last week. Heard from our caseworker today that N called her last night. She was happy for us. But she was having some anxiety and was having trouble verbalizing what her fear really was. Ultimately, the short of it, she is just afraid that once the baby gets here we'll love Colt less. (TEARS, flowing, right now as I'm typing). T told her that she completely understood those fears, but she wanted to reassure her that she had spoken to both of us and that just wasn't the case. She shared with her some of our thoughts and fears, and that we loved Colt SO MUCH there was just no way we could love him any less.

N started to feel better, and told T that she believed her. But, she would feel a lot better if she could hear it from me directly. I didn't think twice before I blurted out "yes" when T asked if I would be willing to call her. I need to be able to talk to her about it as much as she needs to hear it. Letters just can't do that justice. We decided that I would call N from my cell phone directly and I'm very happy about that. We haven't had any direct contact with her since the day Colt was born and to have a line of communication like that means a lot.

So...I'm calling her in a little while. She has some MAJOR things going on in her life right now. Not sure I want to share here right now, but her family landscape is changing and we're happy for her. I can only pray that God gives me the right words and strength to convey my love for my son in a way that erases any fear from her mind. I think it may be the final thing I need to truly feel at peace with this pregnancy and to start feeling like it's an exciting thing. I've felt a lot of guilt and I'm hoping this helps alleviate some of that (I KNOW I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do so that's that).

So...prayers needed!

Don't look away!

So, remind me never to mention things on this blog that I'm not ready to happen. Like remember last post when I said Colt doesn't crawl and I'm not worried about it because he finds other ways to get around...well, Saturday morning Colt woke up and decided to crawl. Just like that. Like he'd laid in bed all night thinking about it and BOOM decided today was the day.

I was walking at the Race for the Cure with my mom and sister and John called to tell me he was pretty sure we had a crawler. As the weekend went on, he got stronger and stronger at it and is officially all over the place.

Oh, and that wasn't the end of it. He also decided that if he was going to crawl, he might as well start pulling up on everything. AND, why not go ahead and learn to crawl over the side of our crib? Because we wouldn't want to take our time with these things...no, it's much more fun to dive right in.

So we spent our weekend half cheering and showing off, half chasing him around pulling coins and pieces of trash out of his mouth that he crawled and magically found, and lowering the crib mattress. Our poor cat, Faith, is on edge because this THING is actually moving toward her...her poor little lazy life is about to be rocked once again.

He has bumps and bruises on his head where he's pulled up on things only to lose strength in his legs and tumble forward. But, you know, he is SO happy. He loves it, he loves the cheering and excitement we're showing every time he does some other adorable milestone.

Watching him peer through the slats of the crib last night made me very nostalgic and sad and happy all at the same time. In a matter of 48 hours he grew up. He's SO BIG. He does big boy things and he's so strong. He's not a little baby anymore and it's only going to get worse. He's only going to grow up faster and faster and I won't ever get this weekend back. I won't ever get this milestone and that day of discovery back...we'll just march forward to a new one.

How awesome and heartbreaking.

One boy, one special boy

I wanted to talk a little about Colt. I'm not great at the month-by-month update, but there are certain things about right now I want to remember! Rambling...

-He got his first tooth on September 21st, bottom right front. His second tooth arrived yesterday, October 7th in the middle of two awful ear infections and after a loooooong night of crying by all three Anderson's!
- He claps when we say "Yaaaaay!". In the morning I get him out of bed, we sit in the chair for a minute, and we wait for our cat Faith to come in the room (she always does). When she does, we say "There's the kitty, yaaaaay!". He lights up and starts clapping. It is THE. CUTEST. THING. EVER. No, seriously, the cutest thing ever.
- His hair grows faster than I can imagine. He got his third haircut at the tail end of August and he desperately needs his fourth. It is so thick and on top it starts to look like a toupee if it gets too long! But I love it, it's soft and makes him look so handsome.
- He HATES getting dressed. I mean, hates it. Hates getting undressed, hates getting new clothes on. It's not that he hates having clothes on and prefers to be naked...it's just he hates the physical act of clothes coming on and off. Every morning it's a fight to get ready for school and it wears me out. A couple of weeks ago, it was a particularly hard fight and I was sweating and out of breath from wrangling him. But the pants I put on him were too small and he looked ridiculous. They were too short and a little too tight...but I just took him to school anyway! I told him he was just going to look silly and that was the consequences. I told the teachers not to make fun of him, but I think they did and they ended up putting him in some of their shorts for the day because they felt so sorry for him! But I didn't...
- He is babbling all the time now. No real words, but he talks away like he knows just what he's saying. I have the best conversations with him.
- Sometimes when he gets up really early, I put him in our bathtub while I take a shower and get ready for the day. Kind of like a built-in playpen. However, now that he's starting to pull up I can no longer do that. Forget the potential head injuries on the marble tub edge...he can reach the faucets and the last thing I need is him to turn scalding hot water on himself while I'm washing shampoo out of my hair!
- He is starting to pull up, though he can't quite get his legs in the right position underneath him to go all the way. His upper body strength is phenomenal.
- He doesn't crawl. And I'm ok with that and I'm not going to work on it. He has very clear ways to get where he needs to go: 1) rolling all over the room, 2) bouncing on his bottom across the room, and 3) reaching with Inspector Gadget hands.
- He likes to try and eat our cheeks.
- He loves trees and streetlights. He'll crain his neck and reach with his Inspector Gadget arms anytime we see them. Christmas lights will be so much fun for him!
- He's really digging Mickey Mouse Playhouse in the mornings.
- He dances and claps to all church songs, especially Jesus Loves Me. Which is just all kinds of humorous.
- When he comes home from school each day, it takes less than 30 seconds for him to get his sleepy blanket, rub his eyes and go to sleep.
- He has 2 favorite sleepy blankets, hand-crocheted that he runs his fingers through and rubs on his face.

So much more...but this is all I have time for now. Thanks for indulging me!

Because I Read Tabloid Magazines

I spent most of the week in the Sacramento-area, enjoying their food and their restaurants with patios where people actually sit and eat without their hair and napkins blowing in their face. It was Heaven.

I also had what turned out to be a surprisingly emotional day yesterday for me, and I wasn't expecting it. I'm not sure when or if I'll be ready to talk about it...but basically I'm looking for any suggestions of blogs to read or online communities of people who have adopted and then (CLICHE ALERT) gotten pregnant. I can't find much out there. When we were going through infertility, I found so many blogs of people that inspired me and understood my journey, same thing when we were adopting. I find myself once again to be in a place where not a lot of people in my real everyday life can understand the range of emotions and questions and feelings I have...if you know of anywhere please leave a comment!

Trust me...it will spare you a post here which would leave most of you gagging or rolling your eyes or huffing in disgust at THAT lady who (OF COURSE) got pregnant after adopting and then tried to complain about it.

Ok...in other news I have to discuss a few pop culture items. Must do it, so let's go.

Roman Polanski
Look, ok, the dude essentially drugged and RAPED a 13-year-old girl (don't kid yourself, Whoopi Goldberg, it was rape because 13-year-old girls just don't have the capacity to consent to sex with a middle-aged man). I don't care if it was 30 days ago or 30 years ago...he did it and OH BY THE WAY he ADMITTED to it. He's guilty. And then he ran away. He ran away to avoid being punished for raping a 13-year-old girl.

If this was a priest who had committed this crime and gotten away with it for 30 years, or a stepfather, or an everyday average Joe trust me when I tell you Hollywood would be calling for blood. They would be all about how this person deserves to be punished, taking responsibility for their actions, punishing to the fullest extent of the law, and so forth. The fact that they want us all to "move on" and let it go for Roman Polanski because he is a brilliant director and has suffered by not being "allowed" back in the U.S. for 30 years...we should all be VERY angry at how these celebrities are patronizing us.

Not one of them would stick up for us if we were in that position. And their egos are so out of control they think we should let the rape of a child go unpunished because someone is talented? WHAT?! Roman Polanski hasn't suffered. First of all, he's allowed to come back to the U.S. anytime he wants. In fact, imagine how much simpler life would be if he would have just taken his punishment when it was given, served, and moved on. Come on back, Roman, and face the music anytime. We welcome you with open American Justice arms. Second of all, his work has NOT suffered by not making movies in Hollywood. Pretty sure it's been in the last, what, 15 years he won an Academy Award for directing a movie. He's a millionaire living in luxury in Europe and STILL winning American awards. He's NOT suffering.

I am appalled at anyone who thinks we should just "forget about it" and "move on". It's not like he can even claim innocence...he admitted it and ran away, people!

Jon Gosselin
Sorry, I can't stop talking about this complete and total scumbag. I stopped watching the show long ago, which is unfortunate because he has 8 of the cutest kids ever. He is ridiculous, total scum. And, look, I'm not saying Kate is all innocent victim here. She is whiny, witchy, and completely out of control (remember long before the divorce rumors even came about, there was talk of how she pushed everyone in her life including her family away because she didn't want them to take her money). But seriously, she hasn't gone out and worn Ed Hardy clothes while flaunting young girls and Hollywood loser dads on her arm.

Everytime I see that man's face I throw up a little in my mouth.

Kardashians
WHY, oh WHY are we continuing to make them stars? Disgusting, self-serving, and untalented. They bring nothing to society, we can't even claim they bring art and talent to the entertainment industry. I'm sick of hearing about them.

David Letterman
Sigh...I'm never surprised when I hear about things like this. But it never stops me from being disappointed.

Ok, I think that's it. Phew, I feel better already! I'm going to visit my grandparents this weekend with Colt, my mom and stepdad. John's staying here so wish me luck!