Max

Well, I've had a pretty rough day today. There have been several events recently that have led me to make a very difficult decision--probably the hardest I've had to make in a very long time.

I am a cat person. An animal lover in general, but a true fondness for cats. Almost 5 years ago I had a fish that died, so I headed to Petsmart to get a new one. While there, I spotted "Zeus", a giant orange cat that looked exactly like the cat I'd had for the first 16 years of my life. And something in me melted. Without even thinking about it, I adopted Zeus and brought him home. What a surprise to my rommate, Laura, who was on a cruise in the Virgin Islands. She came home and there was this giant long-haired cat. I was so taken by this cat I didn't even ask her thoughts on it....and she's allergic to cats!

So here I am with this fluffy kitty I renamed Max. And I tried, and I tried, and I tried to make him the lap cat I'd hoped he'd be. I made excuse after excuse for his anti-social tendencies. And he warmed up to me, he really did....but he never warmed up to anyone else.

I have stuck with Max for almost five years now. And I don't want to go into a lot of details (you all probably know how he is). But I made the final decision today that there is nothing more that I can do to make his life happy and easy. He is in a consistent state of fear and anxiety. Something very bad must have happened to him when he was small, because he is scared (truly terrified) of the human touch. And it's not getting better or easier with age--he's getting worse.

On Friday John and I will take Max to the vet to end his suffering. I am convinced that he is sick. Maybe not physically sick or suffering from a painful disease, but he is mentally sick and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. In other situations, the humane thing would be to put him to sleep and I think that's the humane thing for mental suffering as well.

We spoke with the vet at length today, and there was no hesitation that this was the right decision. Some people have even told me I am brave for making this decision. At some point, you have to let go and realize what's best for everyone. I feel so very guilty for wanting to give up the fight. But my guilt is no reason to prolong Max's suffering.

So I will do my best to treasure the moments I have with him this week. No one has ever had moments with Max like I have....I'm the only one who has ever woken up at 3 in the morning with a 20-pound purring furball on my head or my chest! But those are the times I love him the most and I consider him a blessing. I really do love him.

Please keep me in your thoughts this week as we prepare our family to be a little smaller. It may sound cheesy, but in our house animals are part of the family and we love them terribly. Letting one go is no easy task.