Thursday, June 24, 2010

Life is messy

After Colt was born, John and I would shake our heads in amazement at the adoption experience we'd gone through. So few bumps and bruises. I can remember this night very clearly. My heart races even re-reading that post. And I can also remember this day that happened at the peak of my exhaustion with a newborn. I know it was nothing compared to what his birthmother was going through, but it was terrifying and scary for us and it's all we knew at the time.

Then this day happened, then this day, and finally this amazing day! And our journey was complete. And John and I have a wonderful feeling about adoption, it's warm and fuzzy and we couldn't be happier with our experience. But I DO remember those days when Colt wasn't ours. I DO remember hoping he was our son, but knowing he wasn't yet.

When Owen was born, I noticed so many differences in the way I felt right away. Not in how I felt about Owen versus how I felt about Colt in those early hours and days. But how much more relaxed I was. How I could laugh and sleep and enjoy every second. With Colt, those first few weeks were a dream and he was wonderful...but every time the phone rang my heart would stop. I would stop breathing until I saw the caller ID of who was calling. As each court day came up, my stomach would churn. I loved him long before I met him, and I just had to pray that he would stay with us.

The past several months, I've been thinking of and praying for two families that are so dear to us. They are parents to beautiful, amazing children through adoption. Both families have very open adoptions, and are so close with their children's birthparents. I look to them as examples. Both families have again become waiting families with our agency. And both families have recently lost a placement.

My heart aches for them. They are strong and faithful and know that what truly matters is that those babies they lost are happy and healthy and with the RIGHT parents. Neither of these families have animosity or bitterness about their experience. They ache, oh how they ache, but they also know that the sunshine will come after the rain. And both are still in contact with the families that decided to raise their children. I am in awe of their attitude, in awe of their spirits, and in awe of what God is doing in their lives.

I highly encourage you to visit the Shockley's blog and the Satterfield's blog. They are families that have experienced the ups AND downs of adoption. They have a heart for children, and a heart for the first families out there that make such a difficult decision. I appreciate that they are so open about their's important to know that adoption is NEVER easy. It's just not. It's an amazing process, but one filled with pain. Whether birth families or adoptive can be messy. But isn't life messy? No matter how our children come into our lives, things are never how we plan. Life is always messy. These amazing families just find the strength and pray for the knowledge to get through it with grace.

We love you, Shockley's and Satterfield's. We're praying for you, your children, and the children you are blessed to know that stayed with their first families. God has big plans for your families!


Melba said...

You know, I remember that "sheer terror" post you wrote too...I remember reading that and holding my breath.

It is such a scary risk to take--to love before it's truly OK to love but I don't know any other way.

I still vividly remember the phone ringing before our 30 day waiting period was up when C. was a newborn. The caller ID popped up saying CSS (our agency.) I almost passed out right then and there. I was so terrified to answer the phone. It turned out that they only wanted to talk to me about medicare coverage for C's birth but the thoughts that raced through my brain when that phone call came through--I can't imagine living through that kind of loss. BUT, I know it does happen and I know people do live through it. So crazy to even contemplate.

I will keep your friends in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that their RIGHT babies come along soon!


Holly said...

I am about to head over to their blogs...thanks for posting about them. My heart breaks for families who go through failed adoptions. Heck, my heart just breaks (and rejoices) for everyone involved, on both sides, of adoption.

I am grateful that I never had to deal with any waiting period. I would have been a wreck.

Leah said...

Such a beautiful post, and I love reading about the differences between Colt and Owen. And like you said, the love wasn't different, but I can ONLY imagine the anxiety and fear you must have felt that Colt would be taken away. It's such a scary and real feeling.

Thinking of your friends who lost placement. I can't even imagine that type of pain.