Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Unexpected

I will tell you there are two things that are annoying to me.

First, as "an infertile" I have always been annoyed with people who have these unexpected or accidental pregnancies. There is nothing worse than trying for year after heartbreaking year to have a baby and listen to people complain and be shocked at an unplanned pregnancy. "We weren't trying" and "we were taking precautions and they didn't work". How fair is life, really, that it happens that way?

I love you, all my friends who have unexpected children! But it's that part of me that tried and tried and wished and hoped and prayed that would get so annoyed (i.e.-jealous) at pregnancy announcements.

The second thing that can be pretty annoying comes to me through another experience, that of an adoptive parent. An adoptive parent after infertility will hear no less than 6,487 times "just you wait - you'll adopt and then you'll get pregnant". And these well-meaning comments come from very supportive, loving friends and family and it's never meant in a bad way. Usually there is a story to back it up, but I can tell you it doesn't do much to make the pain of infertility go away.

We infertiles are incredibly sensitive in case you didn't know.

The truth is that under 10% of couples who adopt after infertility go on to get pregnant. In fact, watch this news story where they say "it is so uncommon, it is newsworthy when it happens". Less than 10% ever become pregnant after adopting a baby. So essentially, by telling an infertile or adopting couple that they will get pregnant after bringing a baby home is doing exactly the opposite of what most are trying to do: it's giving false hope.

It just doesn't happen very often. Not as often as you may think.
----------------------------

So I guess all of this is really building up to a whole other announcement. One that I've been struggling with, that has brought many tears, several near-panic attacks and a tremendous amount of guilt.

I'm pregnant.

As annoying as it may sound (because believe me, I've been annoyed) it was completely and totally a shock, unplanned, unexpected, totally out of our minds. Nothing we ever imagined would happen and certainly nothing we imagined would happen so soon after bringing our precious son home. Infertility often makes you skeptical and pessimistic, even after being blessed with SO much hope and promise in adoption.

There is still a looooooong way to go. A lot of things that could happen. But I'm finding myself crying less about selfish reasons like I did the first few days, but worrying more about the health of a baby I'm already attached to. Yesterday we went to the doctor to have everything confirmed and for the first time I had an ultrasound not to check follicle sizes on my ovaries, but to measure the size of an 8-week-old baby. And then the galloping sound of a strong, pounding heartbeat flashed and it was like living in a movie.

John and I are both still reduced to tears at one thought: we won't have the time with Colt as our only that we'd so desperately wanted. Every single time I think about that I tear up and I regret our very flippant decision to not get on birth control. He is an absolute joy and I want to shower him with love and affection and 100% attention forever because he deserves it. I can't even fathom how I will love another baby as much as I love him, I can't fathom how I can share attention, I can't fathom how I will get through this and not let Colt down.

So please feel free, all you mothers of multiple children, leave a comment reassuring me that I CAN love more than one. Please reassure me that I CAN devote time and attention to two babies. Tell me how much Colt will love having a sibling so close in age. Tell me how much fun it will be. How the hard work will be worth it. How the diapers will be plentiful, but a much shorter timeframe. Tell me that my kids will love me despite my exhaustion, how they will know no different. Please feel free to tell me all of that because right now, at this point, I cannot hear it enough.

I can't get tired of hearing how I WILL survive 2 babies 14 months apart.

So, there you go. I hesitate to complain or feel sorry for myself because I do realize what a blessing this is. I don't know if it's the shock of it all, or if it's that part of me that will always be "infertile"...never believing this can really happen and feeling guilty that it has.

I am amazed at God's unfailing love and blessings. For so long we'd been told nothing was wrong with us, and clearly nothing is. But HE knew. He knew there was a 16-year-old girl out there who needed us. He knew our son was out there and the only way to find him was to walk a broken, bumpy, beautiful road. God has always been in control of completing our family and here we are, so quickly moving from 2 of us to 3 to 4. We are blessed beyond measure and thankful God has put the lives of two babies in our hands to care for and raise.

February 24th is so far away, yet right around the corner.








43 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Beautiful post, Jess. The last paragraph says everything. How different our world would be without our precious Colt. Amazing how God has such a plan for all of us that we are completely unaware of.

This is gonna be awesome for you, John, Colt and all of your family. And all of your friends!

ChandraJoy said...

This made me cry! I can't even begin to fathom all that you are going through right now. I CAN be one of those moms who can tell you that you WILL love both of your children! Your love multiplies more than you can even imagine! You will find that your love for Colt will grow even more as well!!

God apprently thinks you and John are something special! He knew that you all were meant to have Colt and that you all are strong enough to bring in another angel into the world!

You guys are in our prayers as it continues to sink in and all the emtions that are still coming around!!

Julie said...

God is so incredible! He's had this cool plan for you all along - from the very beginning. He's smiling right now, knowing that you're in for the most amazing ride that he created just for you. It's going to be awesome!
www.xanga.com/saltyfrog

AJH said...

God is so good! He knew that Colt was to be your son and He also knew what road you needed to go down for His plan to be. He also knew that Colt needed a sibling, and His perfect plan is coming full circle!

We adopted a baby girl after fertility and adoption rollercoasters! When baby girl was 3 months, 6 days old we had a call that I had 15 minutes to get to the hospital to bring baby #2 home. Not knowing boy/girl, birthdate anything...baby girl and I jumped in the van and headed for the hospital to discover that baby boy was EXACTLY 3 month older than her and I had ALMOST twins! God gives you what you need to get your through the situation that He has brought you to. It wasn't until now (they are almost 3) that I have felt a little stress of being what both of them need me to be. God provides! Congrats!

LL said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. First of all, a BIG FAT CONGRATS! and second of all, God is Great. He does have a perfect plan and that plan was to have Colt as your son.

Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy! And BTW Feb 24th is a great day...my bday! Congrats again!

Jen said...

You can and will love all of your babies (whatever that number ends up being) an amount that is immeasurable. Even when they break your iPhone you will look at them and see the amazing person that they are and what they can grow up to be. Colt may not remember what it is like to be an "only", but he will know that he is loved, that you prayed for him, and that you do everything that you can to meet all of his needs. What is important is what they do remember not what they don't. He will remember the fab mom you are and how you took such great care of him and his siblings.

It is difficult to deal with the logistics of kids close together but it is certainly not impossible! You have a wonderful family that will surround you when you feel overwhelmed and you'll be able to do more that you could have ever believed!

I am so excited for you! It is unreal that you get the best of two worlds - an adoption that was a fabulous experience and resulted in a son that was meant to be yours and a pregnancy, unexpected right now but much prayed for, that will result in a beautiful addition to your family! God has truly blessed you :)

KLTTX said...

Congratulations Jessica, John and Colt. Having two so close in age will be rough for the first year or two, but after that it will be awesome. They will be so close and able to do everything together. You'll handle the exhausting years with no problem. As the mother to one bio son and one adopted son, I was worried too about not being able to love another child as much as the first and it amazes me every day that my heart just gets bigger and bigger. I have so much love for both of my boys and you too, will feel the same about your two children. I hope and pray that your pregnancy goes smoothly and you have at least 30 more uneventful weeks.

Infertility is Hard said...

Oh my gosh! Congratulations!

I was beginning to read your post, and I was thinking, Oh yes, I hear those comments all the time. So annoying.

I was shocked with your announcement, but am so so so happy for you. You and your husband and Colt have been truly blessed. Not only that, but I love the compassion and sensitivity you continue to have towards us other infertiles. No matter how down in the dumps I feel about my own infertility struggles, I will never not be happy for beautiful families such as yourself who receive a much deserved blessing.

CONGRATS and I wish you a very healthy and happy pregnancy. :-D

Melba said...

Oh WOW! This is beautifully written, you had me in tears those last couple of paragraphs.

I lived through some of the experiences of which you speak when my own sister announced her "surprise" pregnancy, before we were even in the pool with our agency. That was a rough time for all of us, and one of the few times in my life that I can remember being truly furious with my sister. And now I can ABSOLUTELY assure you that her baby is an incredible blessing in all our lives! She and Charlie are only five months apart, and our family just wouldn't be our family without her. My sister said the same things about not knowing how/if she could love another child as much as her other two...but she does, no questions asked!

Also...as far as the whole sibling thing goes. I think you are giving Colt a tremendous gift by giving his a sibling so close in age!! My sisters are my best friends in life, I don't know how I could have lived without them. AND...I'll just be blunt, sometimes I don't like only children. Sometimes only children end up becoming entitled, spoiled adults. I'm not blanketing anyone, b/c there are exceptions to every rule, but in my varied and plentiful experience with children, only children are often bratty children!

In any case...CONGRATULATIONS, and best of luck! I can imagine the craziness and overwhelmingness of it all! I have thought several times since Charlie's arrival that I would be one part sad/angry and two parts excited/happy if this were ever to happen to us, which (as you are well aware is highly unlikely.)

Hugs,

Melba

Charly said...

Jessica, I am so happy for you! I was on Facebook reading your tater tot post, not knowing what you were talking about. My first thought was oh my god, she's pregnant! I jumped over to your blog and there it was. I was almost in tears here at work. I called a friend that reads your blog and told her. I'm super excited....Colt will have so much fun having a little brother or sister so close in age. What a plan God has in store for you.

Molly said...

Girl! First, CONGRATS! This post could not have been better written. And, thank you for feeling for Colt and understanding that this is going to cause some question (adoption/bio).

Now, the only thing I know about here is the close siblings thing. Ours are 15m apart. I do not agree that it will be a rough couple of years. For us it was only a rough couple of months (3). Then it was pure bliss. I mean, there are moments of insanity, but that was here without kids! There are so many GREAT things about having kids close together. They are besties. I saw lots of people saying they wish this was a girl...and that would be fun. Girls are SO much fun. But, I hope it's a boy. My boys are inseperable and they are each other's best playmates. So, I am hoping its a boy! Now, I have no clue about the being preggers when they are this close, and I know that has to add emotions, stress and exhaustion...so I will pray for all of the energy God can hand you.

Do not worry about what Colt is missing out on because you are having them close together...he knows nothing different. This is normal for all he knows! This is the best thing you could give him...a sibling. Besides, boys need things to play with and what better to have than a constant friend? Seriously, I wish I could talk more people into having kids closer together so I am pumped for you 3!

uncomplicateme said...

Just think, you will have TWO miracle babies. How awesome is that?! My heart has been just giddy with joy for you for the last day - which is odd for someone I don't even know. I've been MUCH less excited for pregnancies of people I DO know.

You are and will continue to be an excellent mother and John an excellent father. I have no help on how to love two babies because I'm just right there with you right now. My heart is exploding with love for one, I don't know how it makes room for two. But I do know that it just does. Somehow.

Things will absolutely fall into place. Big hugs.

momof2monsters said...

You can do it. My two girls are 32 months apart and I thought the same thing. Can I ever love another baby as much as I loved the first one. The answer is yes. And now with baby number 3 coming, the same thought keeps coming to my mind. Can I love all three? I am pretty sure I can. A love a mother has for her children is imeasurable. You find everything to love about them. Even when they are sassy and when they keep you awake all night because something is in their room and they cant sleep. Cherish the moments with them. Mine will all be basically 3 years apart. I still remember back in December when I found out I was pregnant, and now here it is 3.5 weeks away from delivery. Time goes by really fast. You are a great mom and will be able to adapt to having 2 little ones to chase after. You are going to do fine. God is in control and he will provide and give you the strength and courage you will need.

Kerri said...

Amazing! I am so happy for you and your growing family. Having just had my second, I had those same concerns that you had and to be honest, it was not as exciting the second time around. But Tait has her own little personality and you just cannot help but fall in love with them. You'll love them for different reasons and you'll love them more than you can ever imagine. God has certainly blessed you and will not give you more than you can handle. Thanks for sharing your great news!

hope548 said...

I know I would have the same feelings and emotions as you if the same thing happened to me. Congratulations! I hope everything goes smoothly for you and I know you will figure out how to balance it all and spread your love between two wonderful children! I'm pretty sure we are able to keep growing more love as we need it!

Aubrey said...

We are so ecstatic for you guys!! You both are amazing parents and will bless this baby so much! I love how God knew Colt needed you. I'm thankful the infertility journey led you to your beautiful baby boy that God intended for you to have all along and that God provided you with yet another baby to love! You have a beautiful story! I can't wait to see how God uses your entire family story to bless others! I am proud of you guys and the courage you've had throughout the past several years!! You've come out strong, compassionate and with an understanding that many may never have. Congratulations on your family of four!!! Love you!

Kimberly said...

Wow, we are so thankful for you. As a second child myself, I am praying the same prayer - that our second will know he/she is as special to us as Evelyn...We are so happy for you!

Emily said...

Well, I've told you all this but I'm going to say it on the blog so everyone knows what an awesome friend I am. Ha!

Don't even worry about loving two as much one. I had the same thoughts (having an "oops" baby...feeling guilty about Cason not getting baby time with us for very long). You know those times, when you are just hanging out as a family, and you think, "What did we even do before Colt was born." Well, it's like that. A LOT like that. You just realize that this one has a perfect place in your family just like Colt. We can't imagine our family without Kendall, she just fits in so perfectly! And this baby will be the same for you. You will have NO problem loving this baby...worry about college, worry about diapers, worry about two teenagers but DON'T worry about your capacity to love this child.

Kara Scharrer said...

WOW! I'm crying and smiling all at the same time! Isn't life just so unpredictable and crazy? I am so happy for you guys and will continue to pray for Colt and for the new babe (and for you and John, too!).

As for having two, I find it easier and better, sometimes, with two of them, than I did with just one. In fact, I often wish that my kids were closer together in age (they are 20 months apart). Before having two, though, I had all the same fears that you do, but I was so surprised to have all the same feelings for Skogen, as I did for Maida, when I saw him for the first time. I think it all comes naturally.

CONGRATS! I can't wait to keep up with your pregnancy and the big brother, Colt! :)

Sammy said...

CONGRATULATIONS! From the bottom of my heart. I am honestly so happy for you (every bit of me is!) You are such a wonderful Mommy, number 2 will be as blessed as Colt xxx

Mountain Girl said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I can name at least 3 and now you, making 4 who have adopted and become pregnant! From an infertile who will probably never give birth or even be able to adopt a baby, I am OVERJOYED for those adoptive/infertile parents who then become pregnant! You will have more than overflowing love for BOTH Colt and Baby #2 - I hope it's another boy! :-) I am so very happy for you and hope things go great for you and baby #2. Thank you for sharing the news with us!

Dana said...

Oh.......WOW! How exciting for you guys!

My kids are 3 years apart, and the night before Katie was born I laid in bed with Noah and cried because I was sure I was ruining his life by making him share his parents with a baby. But he loved(s) her sooooooooooo much that I realized that we only gave him a precious gift. Colt is an amazing gift from God, and he too will love this second gift HE gave to all 3 of you!

jenny said...

AWWW CONGRATS :)!!!! I read ALL your blogs and see how you and John are such great loving parents for Colt! You both have so much love to go around :)! You'll do great with another addition to the family. Just think, God wouldn't have blessed you like that if he didn't think you couldn't handle it. How exciting :)!

Me said...

I love this news...it really gives me hope that God does have a plan for all of us, that we need to trust in him and rejoyce in his decisions...

Be proud and happy!

My DH and his brother are 13 months apart, and they wouldn't have it any other way. They are the best of friends...

Annie said...

I have six kids, the last three spend six weeks a year the same age, twins we began fostering at 5 weeks and their brother who joined us 6 months later. They are now 4 and 5 and I quite frankly cannot remember the first few months.

You can love them all completely. They will have a constant companion. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

Cool! Remain calm.

Tracey said...

I AM VERY HAPPY FOR YOU...BUT YOUR RIGHT IT IS ANNOYING! GOD BLESS!

Karen said...

Congratulations! I think that I would have very similar emotions if the same thing happened to us. It will be hectic, but you can do it. My friend Jen has 2 babies 16 months apart and she is getting a lot of help from friends and family. You will be just fine. Your family lives nearby and will rally to your aid! It will be hard at first, but the new baby will love watching Colt run around and in that way will be easier to keep happy, at least that's what I've heard. Hope the rest of your pregnancy is healthy and happy!

Michele said...

Thank you for making me cry AGAIN!

I know you're going to make this work and you'll probably make it look easier than it is. :)

Language Arts Lady said...

I think it'll turn out to be a great thing for Colt, to have a sibling so close in age. As an only child, I would look at my friends who has sisters/brothers and envy them... and still do!

For how it might work for you, you should hop over to Mckmama's blog, if you haven't read her in the past... she has four children, the eldest is 4 and the youngest is 8 months. Their life is hectic, but obviously filled with love!

(www.mycharmingkids.net)

Lisa said...

Congrats! I hope all goes well with the pregnancy and we can welcome a new little Anderson soon!

Don't worry. In the Hardin experience, Number 2 will teach Number 1 all kinds of life lessons you could never teach him as a parent.

1. Friends (and brothers) are more important than toys, so SHARE, and if you don't, someone may hit you.
2. You are not the center of the universe, no matter how adorable Mom and Dad think you are.
3. Mom and Dad may love you no matter what, but your little brother may not, so you have to act nice.
4. It feels REALLY good to be totally idolized by a cute little baby brother or sister.
5. It's fun to be a 3-year old know-it-all when you know more than someone in the household.

I'm sure that's just the tip of the iceberg. -Lisa H.

sarah7181 said...

Your' post just made me smile. Not because I'm mean, or not empathetic. But, well for two reasons. One, the lady accross the streat had the exact same thing happen to her.. and two... because I also had an unexpected shock of a pregnancy when my first was only 7 months old. I had those exact same feelings... I felt like I was robbing Ella of something.. .that I let her down.. oh how could I let this happen to her???!!! Now, Ella is turning 3 and Wyatt is 19 months old. I smile back on those feelings. Wyatt has done nothing but add to Ella's life... and help her to become a MORE giving child than I thought possible. This baby is SUCH a blessing... not only to you and your hubby, but to little Colt as well. But, for now, your worried. You'll be tired. Believe me, I was too. But, those early months will fly by, and you'll look back on them too. It's hard the first bit, and then it just gets easier and easier. It's almost like having twins. Wyatt even weighs 3 pounds MORE than Ella. Congratulations mommy!

Holly said...

You are going to do great! Congratulations to your growing family!

My mom got pg with me after adopting my brother and I hear it all of the time :P

Infertility is Hard said...

I just read your post again because I think the whole think is so remarkable.

I can only imagine the sadness you are feeling about not being able to give Colt 100% of yourself. But all I can say is that his life will be so enriched by having a sibling in his life.

You can do it, and you will do it. It will be wonderful. :-D

Wendi said...

Congrats!! I heard the news from Sara and was so happy for you guys.

RB said...

Great post :) Congrats!

TXMom2B said...

Oh my goodness! There was a time not that long ago that I thought I might be pregnant, and I, too, panicked. I can understand where you're coming from there! I had all the fears that you've written about. Becoming a mom changes how a woman might feel about pregnancy. However, God had a plan, and, if you trust Him, it will all be beautiful, at least once the dust settles. A friend of mine has two about the same time apart, and their kids keep each other busy once the newborn stage is over.

Congratulations! Just think, you've already got so much experience with a baby. Watching Colt interact with his little sib will bring you so much joy, and he'll have all the benefits of having siblings. I'm currently feeling guilty about our decision to not adopt again until Andrew is old enough for us to adopt a school-age child because having siblings is so beneficial. They'll learn to share and having someone close in age to play with.

swatterson said...

Congratulations again! Don't forget: you don't have to share the love you have for Colt with another child (you won't have to spread it thinly over two people)...God just gives you more love to cover that child as well...a whole other reservoir opens up! You'll be amazed at your capacity to love them both the same and more and more all the time.

Also, when the older one is in a toddler age and getting into lots of trouble...you may find that there are times that you actually like the other kid better. kidding, kidding. :)

Kate said...

I'm very late chiming in here, Jessica - Sorry!!! But congratulations!! That is really exciting news, and I'm so happy for you.

I really appreciated your honesty in this post. I think you're going to be an amazing mother to Colt and the new baby, and you've got such a great support network.

You're very much in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

Dara said...

I just happened to click on your blog. Congratulations!!

birthmothertalks said...

Wow!!! another baby to love!! I am happy for you.

Jessica said...

Congratulations! I totally understand how you feel (or felt when you wrote this post.) I was a little bummed when we found out we were pregnant. I was SO over wanting to be pregnant and also felt guilty that my daughter would not be one and only anymore. I also got so ticked, and still do, when people threw their super-smart comments our way. "See, you just needed to relax!" Nooooooo, God planned long, long before any of us where in existence to build our family through adoption...you idiot. Ok, so I don't add that last part. But I really, really want to!

I really think you will enjoy having your kiddos close together. My middle one and youngest are 18 months apart and so far, it's great. My middle one was such a Mama's girl and I really worried about her being jealous of her new sister. However, from the moment we brought her home, she hasn't shown one bit of jealousy. Now, my oldest daughter was 28 months when her sister was born and there was some SERIOUS jealousy issues. Still are. They are starting to play better together though.

Anyway, sorry for the novel here. God bless you, your family and your newest blessing.

Becky said...

Wow. I am obviously very, very, very behind on reading blogs!
Wow.......congrats!
If it's so rare, wonder why I know SO many that adopted and then got pg?!!

Roo and Wren's Mama said...

Just found your blog - and had to leave a comment... I LOVE your story! Isn't God great?? We have a very similar story - after 5 yrs of mostly unexplained infertility, we began the adoption process. And just a few weeks before our beautiful girl was born - guess what, we discovered that I was pregnant. What a shock - it still makes me laugh to think about it! It was a crazy emotional time... but really special to see a glimpse of the wonderful plan that God had for our family. I was 11 wks preg when our first daughter was born, and was there in the delivery room with her birthmom, cut the cord, etc. Such a special gift, in so many ways. I am grateful now for our 5 long years of infertility, because God was waiting to give us our 'Roo'. Her little sister was born just 6 months later. Yes, it was a busy time (still is), but I just love it. My girls adore each other and are just the best of friends. It gets easier, the older they get (now 17 mo and 11 mo). You'll do fine! :)
I'm just so tickled to hear of another family with such a similar story. Everyone said to me 'oh after you adopt, you'll just get pregnant' too, and I rolled my eyes... until it happened. I joke that we are the 'adoption cliche'. God is good!