Anderson Happenings

Goals

2012-01-30T11:08:00.000-06:00

I entered 2012 with a real feeling of clarity. For the first time in over 2 years, I feel like I can move past survival mode. The boys are growing up and older, and I no longer feel like life is dictated by their schedule. Well, I mean, we're still staunch sleep schedulers but I feel like I can see beyond diapers, bottles, naps, and meeting every need.

So, I thought this year would be all about the other parts of life I'd left behind. I joined a gym after thinking about it for a long time...truly committed in my mind. I pinned a ton of healthy recipes and snack ideas because this was the year we would stop eating so much fast food. I also took a trip to IKEA because I realized we wouldn't be moving anytime soon and it was time to put OUR stamp on this adorable house we live in. Not only did I purchase things for the top of my kitchen cabinets (long time unfinished project) but I bought enough frames for a gallery wall....which means I'm going to actually print and display some of the thousands of photos from the last three years! Finally, I purchased several accessories and cute clothes for the body I have now to feel better about myself as I work and eat for the body I want.

Guess what? I have a gym contract for 12 months and I've been 7 of the last 30 days. I've thrown out zucchini, broccoli, apples and several other things I bought for healthy eating because I didn't use them before they went bad. But the Magic Shell topping I bought for ice cream last week is already gone. My IKEA pile remains in a lovely pile in my bedroom. Pictures remain on the computer.

But, I'm caught up on my DVR...and I added "Downton Abbey" to my viewing list so I'm really making strides on adding MORE TV to my life .

What I'm realizing is that just because I'm not in survival mode, just because I feel like I have more energy and can appreciate beautiful things beyond just precious baby smiles and toddler milestones, doesn't mean I can do it all right away. I still have every intention of making this the year I find myself again, but I'm going to have to go in stages.

Last year the only thing I challenged myself to do was create a mom journal - a short daily planner where I wrote a few sentences each day about the "little things" I loved and wanted to remember. Not the big things...but our activities, the precious things the boys said as they discovered their vocabulary, even the rough times. Guess what? I completed that. 365 days of entries that I wrote each night. I didn't miss a day, and I loved it. I find myself thinking all day about what I'll write and remembering those little things. It's better than a blog, and I've kept it up all this year, too. Oh, the power of one small change...

Anyway, I'll keep you updated on when/if things change. I do know that I've got to do the gym thing because if nothing else, I'm paying for it. I also like it because it's MY thing. It's not something I do with a friend, or even with John. It's just my place. And I have convinced John to paint our room/bathroom at some point so house changes may take a while but there's a plan in place.

There's also the budgeting, saving money, and going to church/getting more involved thing that always weighs on my mind.

But I am a darn good mom, and I'm darn good at my job, and I keep a clean house. So I celebrate the things I'm good at...just seeing the potential for so much more!

You can go home again...

2012-01-11T14:13:00.000-06:00

Through a random series of events this week, I found out that Owen's teacher actually lives in the house I grew up in. I happen to be friends with her on Facebook so once I found out she lived there, I immediately went looking through some of her pictures. To see her sweet family living in our home...it was so exciting! But it also made me so nostalgic.

We moved into that house when I was in 6th grade and lived there until my sophomore year of college. Those are the most impressionable years for anyone, so anytime I think about that house I'm flooded with memories. Searching through those pictures brought terrific and terrible memories for me all at once.

...that was my room, there, the one where I covered the walls with so many pictures of Brad Pitt, Jared Leto, and Mark-Paul Gosselaar that it looked like wallpaper. Where I laid on the floor in front of my boombox waiting for my favorite songs to come on KJ103 to press record for a mixtape.
...that was my sister's room, where we sponge-painted horses on the wall and where the Commodore 64 lived that I played Concentration on for hours.
...that was the loft where our Barbie dollhouse sat, the one I played with for far too long with my best friend from around the corner. It's where we went for slumber parties for privacy, where we tortured our mom by walking on the banister like a balance beam far above the living room below.
...that was the fireplace where my prom pictures were taken, where our stockings were hung each Christmas, where our family gathered for photos at my graduation party. That's where the painting hung that my grandmother made before I was born.
...that backyard housed a trampoline when I lived there, where a majority of my Sweet 16 party (my first co-ed party) was held. I still remember the laughs and fun of that night.
...that kitchen is where my mom would make crockpot chicken noodle soup once a week my senior year for my group of friends since we had off-campus lunch.
...that living room held more youth group devos and slumber parties than you can imagine; it's also where the TV trays would be set up every Thursday night while the three of us watched "Friends" and "ER" together, never missing an episode.
...that driveway, well, that driveway was the same driveway John pulled into to take me on our first (disastrous) date. And 7 dates later it's where he first kissed me.

...that hallway was where my sister and I slept on the floor the night my parents came home and closed their bedroom door, not to open it again until late the next morning. When everything changed. When our house was suddenly one person less.
...that's the spot in my mom's bathroom where we held our precious cat as he took his last breaths, the cat that had been around longer than me. And that backyard, up at the top, is where he's buried.
...that's my parent's room, my mom's room, where my sister and I piled into her bed every night for two solid years after the divorce. We were even fearful of sleepovers, because that bed was where we felt the most safety and comfort.

Christmases and birthdays, baby showers for friends, choir parties, and random moments of teenage craziness...it all floods me when I look at those pictures. More happy than sad, thankfully. But overwhelming in any case. I loved that house. It was the last place I really had a room. Once we moved from that house, which was far too large for a single mom and her younger child after I'd left for college, I didn't really have a room again. Probably a good thing, since it made it easy to never move back in! But there are times I wish we still had my childhood home.

I do know, however, that HOME is where family is. And I'm as comfortable in my mom's 2-bedroom condo as I would be in that old house. But it's also nice to know that a wonderful young family is building memories for their kids just like mine in those same rooms and hallways. It's nice to see how well it's being taken care of. It's nice to know that if I wanted to, I could go back for just a minute (she invited me!).
.............

When we put it all together, she laughed and said "so YOU are the "JBP" that carved your initials into our banister?". No, JBP is my sister. But the JRP that's on the windowsill in your son's room...that's me. I knew I would miss that house, and I wanted the strangers moving in after us to know that someone made their memories there. That the house was loved.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Colt!!

2011-12-16T05:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Colt,
Today you are 3 years old. THREE! Three feels so much older than 2. You've been talking about this day "MY berfday" since Daddy's September birthday, so it's big! Physically you've grown taller and thinner since last year. But the biggest change has come in your vocabulary and the hundreds of words pouring from your mouth.

You discovered a musician named Laurie Berkner this year. And, in true Colt fashion, you fell hard and fast for her. It was Laurie-this and Laurie-that. We thanked God in our prayers for Laurie. You begged to hear her in the car, on the TV, and while rocking to sleep at night. I thought she would be the perfect encouragement for potty-training. But you were so excited to watch her video that you couldn't concentrate on thinking about going potty. So we had to send her back to school (we borrowed the video) and you were potty trained by the end of the day.

You're potty trained now! I was so nervous, dreading it really. Diapers are easy. So we waited and waited...which paid off because you were more than ready. But with potty-training came the word "poop" and you pretty much say it all the time. You replace song lyrics with the word poop. You call your brother poopy. You say it just to say it. And you dissolve into fits of giggles each and every time.

Your love for music is apparent and growing every day. You remember every song you hear, coming up with names only you understand and I struggle to remember which of them are which for our car rides.You play all of Mimi's guitars when you visit her house. You love drums. And you're working YouTube like only a toddler in 2011 could. Your fingers are long and skinny, musician fingers; your tune is pitch-perfect.

You go back-and-forth between being a Mommy's boy and a Daddy's boy. You're always a Grandma's boy. One of my favorite things about you has been how open you are to family. You absolutely LOVE going to visit Great-Grandma, Great-Grandpa and Aunt Linda, you ask to go every couple of weeks. You are truly interested in your family members and seeing them and giving hugs.

And your brother - well, you're a wonderful big brother. You've outgrown being enamored, and spend most of your time yelling at him to stop touching your things. But, you know, you reach out and hold his hand almost every time we're in the car.

You are kind, you are empathetic, you are JOYFUL. A love of the movie "Monsters Inc" means that you ask every night if the monsters are going to get you. I respond "no, Honey, I will protect your". And any time I'm sad or stressed or crying you rub my hand and say "Mommy, it's ok. I will protect you".

Some of my greatest joys in life are the nights when I sit by your bed and we sing together; when we have family dance parties; when you say your prayers; when you wake up remembering it's Sunday donut day; when you ask why; when you call me Mommy-Babe. I love being your Mommy.

I love you, Babe!
Love,
Mommy

My Favorite Things: Cleaning and Lists

2011-11-15T13:53:00.001-06:00

So, this morning I had a very early, very short flight to Dallas. The kind of flight that doesn't warrant dragging out my Nook because it's an electronic and I don't have more than 20 minutes to read it, and I have many minutes on ascent and descent to stare at the seat in front of me.

Instead, I did something equally as wonderful as reading. I made lists. I LOVE making lists. And to make it even better, I made lists of things I'm going to CLEAN next week. I was smiling from ear-to-ear.

At the risk of jinxing it, I am announcing that next week I am taking the three days before Thanksgiving to take off and CLEAN. I know, I know...selfish lady that isn't taking her kids out of school for non-stop weekend-type fun. But my house NEEDS it. I haven't really deep cleaned in so long and it's suffering from a heavy and hectic travel season this year. And, well, let's be honest...I'm officially surrounded by sticky, sweaty, smelly boys that have no real desire to pick up, scrub down, or organize anything in our house.

So my list was making the following lists:
Weekend Prep (subheads include cleaning supplies store trip)
Monday To-Clean (including subheads Colt's room, bathroom)
Tuesday To-Clean (including subheads Owen's room)
Wednesday To-Clean
John to clean while I'm gone
To Pack for the boys
To pack for me

Isn't it exciting? Then, the very best part (other than a super clean and organized house) is the part where I get to cross the items off the list. Drawing a line through the word or marking an X to the side is one of my favorite things.

Anyway...you'll know where I'll be next week. A few days just me, my house, my ipod tunes, and the smell of non-organic bleach filling my soul.

Feeling like a grown up (warning - dorky, random story to follow)

2011-10-19T22:15:00.000-05:00

I’m from “the small states” where paying for parking is all but unheard of except in “the downtowns”. I know in large metro areas, paying for parking is expected and no big deal. But in OKC we just don’t pay for parking unless we’re going downtown or in Norman on football gamedays.

So, it’s funny to me that a true turning point in this whole attempt to think like I’m 30, instead of the perpetual 19 I feel like every day, had to do with parking.

A few months ago, you may recall that I attended a dream concert of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys in Tulsa. I loaded up some of my best girlfriends for an all out road trip 90 minutes North. Despite my best attempts, we didn’t plan our dinner very well, and ended up at a subpar restaurant in trendy Utica Square because none of the good ones were open on Sunday (don’t get me started). At that point, we were cutting it close so we ate and then headed to the arena.

Once we pulled up, we had to decide where to park. Time was running out and there were two carloads of us when my friend Brooke said confidently “we’re parking in THAT lot”. THAT lot was the $20 lot. Right across from the arena, it was prime and not all that crowded. But it was TWENTY DOLLARS. No one pays that kind of money, evident by the scores of people lining the main street walking from their $5 lot half a mile away.

But Brooke had been using a certain kind of logic for quite some time and I felt it surge through me as I pulled into the lot. “I’m 30 years old, I work really hard, I make decent money. I’m parking in THAT lot” I announced to my passengers. And I did, and it was awesome, and it made leaving the arena SO EASY.

Now, I’m aware that’s an awfully dorky story. And you’re probably thinking “seriously, $20?”. But that was a big moment for me. We’ve been so entrenched for so long in paying down debt, and we’re not used to this sort of thing…it was a big moment. Despite over a decade of coupledom with my husband, 2 beautiful children, buying 2 different houses, and traveling across the country for business…I still often feel I’m not older than a college sophomore (there's a whole embarrassing story about this, and it's why I don't really work with interns anymore because I "try too hard"). But that night, in addition to my awesome concert experience with awesome people, I felt like a grown-up.

Trying not to recite this logic when I go clothes shopping.

The Wanderer

2011-10-11T16:18:00.000-05:00

So, by nature of some responsibilities I've taken on at work this year this September was full of travel for me. I naturally avoided thinking about it until the first trip, because 6 cities in 3.5 weeks makes for way too much pre-trip anxiety. But, I'm on the other side of the travel and can breathe a little easier.

More than ever this year, I got the comment "how do you do it?" from clients and coworkers. My response each and every time was that I have a rockstar husband. He's one of those that doesn't get phased by taking care of two toddlers by himself. He loves being with them, and they're more than comfortable with daddy time.

It wasn't always this way, and I can't imagine anyone who could naturally take that on. Actually, I've always traveled quite a bit and I have to say that when I first started taking trips we experienced the most difficult period of adjustment. And that was BEFORE kids. It was really hard figuring all the logistics out. I don't know why, but something in John just changed when we had kids and he was more at ease with the travel.

When Colt was a baby and when Owen was first born, we had our parents and sisters down the road that helped A LOT. I don't think we could have done it without them. But now, many times during my time away John won't call anyone. He just handles it.

I have some routines I follow when leaving town - I make sure the house is clean, dishes done, groceries are at least semi-stocked. I set out full outfits including socks for the boys for each day I'll be gone. I check their school sheets to see if any special days are happening (snow cone day or show and tell) and leave the right things. I make sure they're stocked on diapers for school so John doesn't have to run to the store. I try to make sure all laundry is done and put away, but more often than not there's a load left in the dryer. I set medicines out. I make sure I give the boys a bath the night before I leave, because John is not a huge fan of bathing both boys by himself...I'm not normally gone more than 2 nights at a time but still. And I try to pass on my flight and hotel info to him in e-mail form just in case.

We just have this silent routine that makes everything as easy as possible on him. I don't know how we did it, we just did. I'm thankful everyday that he encourages my work and the opportunities it has afforded me.

I've always been a caller - someone who calls when walking to my car or in between meetings. But after ~~obsessing over~~ watching a lot of the show "Disappeared" this summer on the ID channel, I now make sure I always call when I land, when I'm in a cab, when I'm headed out for an evening, and when I am in for the night. And especially when I get home and walk to my car at the airport by myself.

I know that as the boys age, it will not only be emotionally more difficult to travel often but logistically as well. But for now, I'm enjoying the routines and watching the boys thrive with their Dad.

Gotcha Day

2011-09-01T05:00:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note to celebrate our family today. It was 2 years ago today that we finalized our forever family. The picture with the judge is extra special to me...all 4 of us are there, Owen's just still inside!

I won't get overemotional, just so thankful we have this day to celebrate. Colt is my sweet, special firstborn son. He lights up all of our lives, we're blessed to call him our son. Thank you to our judge, our sweet lawyer and friend, our caseworker at our agency, our family, and N for making this day possible.

We are celebrating at home tonight with our family, hot dogs, and cupcakes. Nothing big...just taking time to be thankful. :

Snakes in the House

2011-08-29T10:31:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, one of my fears became true. I found a snake inside my house.

I found a SNAKE. INSIDE my HOUSE.

It was crawling...scratch that... SLITHERING on my kitchen floor. It was much larger than the 5 inches John is telling people it was. It was at least a foot long...a ruler is a foot, right? It was at least a foot long. But it might as well have been a python because it was INSIDE my HOUSE. Inside.

When I spotted it on this lazy Sunday afternoon, I did what any good mother would do with her two toddlers in the same room. I screamed and jumped on top of the kitchen counter. "Sssssnnnnaaakkkeee" I squealed to John. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh" and the shudders were taking over my body like a seizure. Colt asked me what was wrong and I smiled sweetly, grit my teeth and said "nothing, honey, Mommy is just being so silly!". I eyed John to GET OVER HERE THIS IS NOT OK.

He caught the snake, thanks to my quick actions of finding a mason jar and a fork. I'm a downright hero around here. He took it next door and, with our neighbor, determined it to be a garter snake. Then he walked about 300 yards in the field behind our house and let it go.

He let it go. Yes, it's head was still intact. This was unsettling to me, but I assumed I was just being a weenie.

But the consensus among social media, which I took to within minutes of discovery, is that SNAKE IN HOUSE NOT OK. SNAKE IN HOUSE NOT NORMAL. Every single suggestion, except my sister-in-law's (which, she is related to my husband so I assume the lack of common sense is genetic), was to KILLITSHOWNOMERCYCUTTHEHEADOFF.

But nope. It's out there. In that field I can see from my kitchen window. It's going to come back, probably with friends and family. It's a regular AT&T commercial up in my house.

John kept teasing me, as a good supportive understanding husband would do. So I punched him and told him to stop. Colt said "what did Daddy do?". I told him that Daddy was being mean to Mommy. Colt got very serious, walked over to John and pointed to the hallway. "Daddy, you go timeout RIGHT.NOW. We don't be mean to Mommy".

That's right, the 2-year-old put Daddy in timeout. It was the right thing to do. Then Colt took my hand, showed me the window on the backdoor and said "the snake can't get you anymore...it's ok, baby".

Guess who I love more? Geez, that kid eats me up with the sweetness and compassion.

I slept fitfully last night. I now walk with my head down to make sure I don't see any snakes, or worse STEP on one. I have been shaking all shoes before slipping my bare feet into them.

I'm thinking of interviewing realtors this week. We clearly can't keep living here.

Swimmin' Pools...

2011-08-27T21:24:00.004-05:00

We actually have done a lot of swimming this summer. As long as it was between 9a and 11a then the sun wasn't too scalding! About every weekend we went, and once a week each boy had "water day" at school and wore their swimming suits to play in sprinklers and slip-n-slides.

All that swimming and I didn't get a picture of them in their swimming suits until today! We went late afternoon for once, but only stayed about 30 minutes before poor Owen (he got my complexion) was turning very red despite SPF 70. But they LOVE to splash and swim and jump in the pool, float on floaties and play ball. Next summer I'm putting them in swim lessons for sure...they're both little daredevils in the pool!

Summer

2011-08-27T16:24:00.012-05:00

This summer has been insufferable. Nearly 60 days of temps over 100 degrees. We haven't been in our backyard since May. MAY. So we've been doing A LOT inside. Not ideal, but we manage to have fun! Here's a glimpse of a few of our recent activities...

Learning to bowl, eating spaghetti, building blanket forts, having dance parties, and roadtripping to Missouri where we visited family and stayed in our first hotel as a family.

We've actually had a lovely summer, lots of fun, and we've learned a lot. But we sure are ready for fall-like temperatures. Preferably BEFORE the time change so we have the evenings to play outside...

What's in a Name...and Little Brother

2011-08-04T15:45:00.003-05:00

Colt
----
I was searching through old financial records the other night and came across a file with all of Colt's hospital records at his birth. Standard procedure in adoptions is that the baby is identified with his birthmother's last name at the hospital...relinquishment is normally long after all are checked out of the hospital, and he was not our child legally. Even after we left the hospital, we were caring for him but we were not legally his parents. He was someone else's little boy.

Colt's birthmother listed his full name with Anderson on his original birth certificate. But the hospital records list him as "Baby Boy" J (her last name). It hit me like a ton of bricks. It's really the only record where his name is something other than Anderson. And to see him referred to as Baby Boy instead of Colton...

It was a glimpse into a different life. How different a path he could have had. What a different person he would be. For most of us, a different name wouldn't change who we are. But for adopted children - the difference in name means a different life.

Not a bad life, I know he would be loved and cared for. But a different life and different family and different house and different love. It was a lot for me to take in. It also brought back a lot of emotions as I remembered how complicated that time in our life was. So, so worth it...but it was just so complicated.

Who would he be if we were not his parents? Who would WE be if he was not our son?
---------------------------

Owen
------
Shortly after that emotional hard hit, I got an e-mail from Owen's sweet, sweet teacher. Owen is moving into the next class at school next week and leaving my favorite (and his favorite) teacher. She wrote to tell me how much she will miss him and how much she has fallen for our little blonde-haired man.

She went on to explain how happy, joyful, jolly, laid-back he is. How all her stories to her husband begin with Owen. How he fills her day with so much joy. She said he reminders her of herself, which really sent me over the edge because that's one of the biggest compliments I could hear because she is just that wonderful. She's full of joy and is so kind and gentle. I love the thought of Owen being a little Mrs. A.

She gets him. She understands him, even though he doesn't talk. She communicates with him, she sees him as a leader in the class and watches how helpful he is, how kind he is to his friends. She really gets him.

So, of course I got weepy. But then it was made even harder because I realize that she sees the "him" that not even John and I get to see very often. She sees him as Owen. Not ColtandOwen. He's not with his big brother, she didn't know Colt before. She just knows sweet, wonderful Owen. I get sad that we don't spend enough one-on-one time with him. He's a different kid when not competing for attention. It's not a bad thing, he's just more laid back and Colt is an attention hog!

Also, I wonder if we'd be more patient, more understanding with Owen's speech delay if we didn't have the boys so close in age. It's so easy to get caught up in what Colt's doing and what Owen isn't. Mrs. A doesn't see that...she is able to stay patient because Owen is who he is.

We are BLESSED to have the teachers that the boys have. I don't take them for granted. But I am very, very sad he's leaving her. He is a special, special boy and I love it when he's "favorited".
--------------

Don't know what it is lately, but I'm just overcome with emotion and my heart is just full with my family. I'm just so thankful for THESE children. I'm thankful I'm COLT and OWEN's mom.

The little things

2011-07-20T21:12:00.003-05:00

So, I have a solid 8 months under my belt and I feel confident in sharing one of my proudest accomplishments of this year. My "mom journal".

I'm sure you've noticed, but blogging has been a struggle for me this year. For some reason, I stare at the screen and all the space to fill and I am just blank. But I feel like I'm missing an awesome opportunity to document the amazing experiences of my kid's early years.

I found that Facebook and twitter statuses were easier for me to write, but I wasn't confident in the ability to archive all of those. And I was positive most people didn't want to hear a lot of the small, seemingly mundane moments I wanted to remember.

So at the beginning of the year, I bought a planner. It's a simple planner that is broken out into short rectangles each day...one week takes up two pages. It's just the right size to capture my thoughts without feeling overwhelming. It takes less than a couple of minutes most nights.

And I have written in it every single day since January 1st. I take time every night, even the nights I'm traveling, to write small, wonderful (and the occasional tough) moments. It is a treasure to me, something I look forward to. It causes me to better remember a sloppy kiss or funny saying or a milestone. I've even recorded voice notes on my phone when something great happens in the morning so I don't forget later in the day.

So, it's a small thing, but I'm so proud that I've done it. Knowing I have boys, they probably won't have the interest that girls would in reading these kind of things. Maybe they will. But it is mostly for me.

I wrote this in the beginning of journal:
"I wanted to write this mostly for me...to remember the small moments of these precious days that go by so quickly. I also hope that one day Colt and Owen will look at these and see how much I truly love being their mom. That they'll know I treasured moments big and small. That even the tough days were blessings. And that every night before bed, I take time to reflect on what I love about them. Every day they're learning and loving and surprising me. They're the pleasures of my life. My world begins and ends with my three men...my family. I love you!"

Hangin' Tough...

2011-07-19T13:59:00.004-05:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know! It's been over a month which I think is a record for me, even with the sparse updating I've been doing!

Things here are good. They're great, actually. And now that I've said that I'm sure I'll get a blow. But as of this moment things are great.

Owen had his ear surgery. We just did a follow-up yesterday and things look great. We could tell a difference in his balance within hours of coming home. He's already much more vocal as well, and every now and then a word will escape. He still whispers words, but he can absolutely understand direction and what we're telling him. So while we wait until his vocabulary bursts onto the scene, we are confident he's made a big change.

The kids together are just so much fun right now. They are interacting with each other exactly as I'd hoped they would. Playing together and looking for each other. When we do things with them one-on-one they both keep asking about their "bubba". They just expect to be together and miss each other when they're not.

Other things are good, too. I've been working really hard and taking on some different responsibilities over the last 7 months (and more) and I was really excited to get a promotion at work. I've wanted it and I'm just so pleased to see it come to fruition. I don't talk much about work here, but just know that I love what I do. I'd have to, to travel like I do and work the hours that I do. They are an awesome agency with management that is so accessible and invested. People are what they're all about...I've been fortunate to spend my career there and look forward to growing even more there. I'm just excited. (is it a faux pas to talk about a promotion??)

Over this last weekend I was able to have one of the most fun experiences I've had in a long time, and help my sister realize a dream. My sister and I have found a common love of concerts. Concerts are not logical, they certainly don't make financial sense. But we absolutely love them and have been to some awesome concerts together. When i heard last year that New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys were going on tour TOGETHER I about died. And when I heard they were coming to TULSA I was immediately sold. The day the tickets went on sale, I bought them and 7 months later my sister, 6 of my favorite girlfriends, and I were on a roadtrip.

I was, obviously, a New Kids fan as a pre-teen. My sister was Backstreet Boys generation and she was OB-SESSED. But she'd never seen Backstreet. I, however, had been to a 1990 New Kids concert (which she also attended but cried and fell asleep because she was 4). Anyway, we lived our childhood Sunday night. I can't even describe the awesomeness, but where else are you dancing your suburban booty off with 10,000 other 30-ish women, and screaming with every shirt that came off an NKOTBSB member? It was so awesome.

Other than that, we're here. We're existing through absolutely unbearable heat. We're stocking away pocket change to pay our electric bill to keep the house cool. Boys are growing. I found my camera battery charger so expect to see some photos very soon!

Owen's Ears

2011-06-15T16:38:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow Owen is having ear tubes put in. It's a minor "surgery" but does require anesthesia, so we are a little nervous.

I had suspected for some time that he is not hearing well. He does not talk. Like up until two weeks ago, he had said exactly zero true words. He says "aaahhh" most of the time, points, signs...we can communicate but he's not saying any words. We have been to the doctor multiple times over the 16 months of his life, not once has there been a visit where he didn't have thick fluid in his ears.

In fact, he was saying very few consonants at all. We had a hearing test for him last week and sure enough - he cannot hear well. In fact, on the right side you basically have to yell for him to hear you. He certainly isn't picking up on the formation of speech...he hears enough to know something is going on, can read you lips well but cannot figure out how to replicate that in his own voice.

So, tubes should help. We're prayerful it will, anyway! I'm excited for him to discover a whole new world, and hope he's chattering away like his big brother in the next few weeks.

And despite the fact that he bit me so hard I have a giant purple bruise on my shoulder last night, I could still squish him and love him and hug him until he can't take it. So I'll worry until the procedure is over and he's squawking in my ear. I'll even let him bite me without yelling back if it will make him feel better...

If you have a spare thought and prayer tomorrow, please send it our way!

Night of the Twisters

2011-06-07T20:07:00.005-05:00

So I'm finally sitting down to write about what happened a few weeks ago. It seems so crazy that I've spent this long "dealing with it", as those that were actual victims of the storms are moving on and rebuilding their lives.

As everyone knows, Joplin, MO was hit by one of the worst tornado's in recorded history 3 weeks ago. And honestly that hit home with me even more than the countless small towns that are hit in my own state each year. Joplin is on the way to my grandparent's house in Springfield, MO. I've been stopping there at the Steak 'n Shake and QT for 30 years. I know it. So I was on edge, especially knowing how close it came to my grandparents.

The following Tuesday, May 24th, was shaping up to be the midwest's version of "the perfect storm". For a week there had been buzz of something major happening. And I happen to have a wonderful friend IRL, Nathan (@natecast on Twitter), who was very serious when warning his friends to prepare for the worst. Nathan loves weather, is fascinated with the graphs and models and hook echos and all that stuff...but he's far more than "amateur" in my book and rarely over-hypes anything.

That day it was cloudy in the morning, cool outside. By noon the sun had come out and the air was so thick you could hardly breathe. Everyone who has been around tornadoes know this is a very, very bad sign. Nathan began sending regular updates to his friends telling us an approximate time of arrival of severe weather. The National Weather Service told residents of the OKC metro area to stay off the roads between 3-6pm. And the State of Oklahoma closed early and sent home non-essential personnel. Schools were closing early.

All that backstory so you know how serious it was. All day, I could only concentrate on where we should go. Few people have basements in Oklahoma, our house is no exception. Our normal spot for tornado safety is the master closet or pantry. But I had a very, very bad feeling about this. And I wanted to be underground. All day I worried, wondered where the right place was. Was I overreacting?

Our good friends B&D have an underground storm shelter in their garage. They had extended the offer to take cover any time, but I knew that Nathan and his wife and daughter were already planning on going there. I texted B, she said to come on over. So at 3:00 I picked up the boys from school and began to get ready to ride out the storm.

By 4:00 tornadoes had already started firing west of us. And the largest was tracking right toward our house. B&D live about a mile north of us, and I took the kids and headed over. John couldn't leave work, and we assured him the right thing to do was stay put on the east side of town. By 4:00 it was too late...he'd be in the middle of the storms if he left.

By 4:30 the rest of us were at the house and Nathan began to get very nervous. He felt like it was the right time to get in the storm shelter. At this point Owen was glued to my hip, unwilling to even move to the other hip he was so tense and scared. Colt was sucking on his paci, running his blankie through his hands. He doesn't normally have those items during the day but I was so grateful I brought them. He was glued to my leg.

Speaking of, I had packed for the apocalypse. I think Brooke must have thought I was INSANE when it took two trips to come into her house. Everything from electronics to snacks to an entire pack of diapers and wipes, extra clothes, jackets...I think I truly was prepared for our house to be demolished. Also, I think I was planning for a roomy basement instead of a cellar to take cover in.

Anyway, the storm shelter. We decided to head down. And immediately I felt a rush of emotions. As we lowered Colt inside and I saw him staring up at me, I began to get very scared. I crawled in, they handed Owen to me and I began to get a whole new kind of emotion. Panic. Panic that we were really down here, that it was so bad and unpredictable outside, and panic that suddenly 3 women (one pregnant) and 5 children were in the ground in a concrete shelter only 3 feet wide. And the guilt I had was immense. If I had realized how small it was, I would have never put B&D in the position I did. That shelter is for THEIR family's safety and it wasn't clear if Nathan and Derek would even fit.

So imagine, fear, panic, guilt all hitting me at once...and after a few minutes down in the ground, my kids hot and sweaty and glued to me, we realized we couldn't breathe. There was a small air hole, but no circulating air. It was in their garage on one of the muggiest days I've ever felt. Of course we were all in jeans, long sleeves and tennis shoes (because if there is debris you need to be covered) so we were pouring sweat. The door on the top of the shelter was a sliding door built into the garage floor. And all I could think about was that if the tornado hit the house and debris piled on top of the shelter, it would be hours before anyone arrived to dig us out. My heart was racing.

L, panicked and pregnant, voiced her fears first. She'd been the first to get in and was farthest from the opening of the shelter. As her anxiety grew, it became even harder to get a breath. And she had to move. We maneuvered around and I concentrated on getting her to the other end. I moved into her spot. I lasted about 7 seconds before I felt exactly the same way. Thoughts of my children melted away and all I could think about was getting air. I was prepared to leave the kids there and take shelter above ground. It was a drastic, terrifying, completely self-involved feeling I had. I was out of my mind. B moved into my spot. Owen and I stood and stuck our head out of the shelter, hoping Nathan and D would give us the all clear before everyone had to hunker down.

And eventually they did. The tornado had been skipping around but it was now far enough east that we knew it had missed us. All told we were in the shelter for somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. But it felt like an eternity. As everyone was getting out, again I looked down and saw Colt staring up at me. All 5 kids had been so quiet and so sweet and calm...I was embarrassed that I had panicked like I did.

So we moved inside, hung out for about 30 more minutes before feeling safe enough to head home. John was taking shelter at his work as the storms moved his way, and my mind was with him while he did. The kids calmed down, Colt discovered B&D's iPad with "Phineas & Ferb" episodes. Owen gave my arms a rest and played with his friend W. Nathan continued to watch the weather, and every now and then as footage of damage was aired, I would look over and see him with his eyes closed. Almost like he was in prayer or disbelief. I knew that he was processing as many emotions as the rest of us were.

By 5:30 I loaded the kids up and headed home. I called John to tell him about the experience...how close the tornado had come and how I felt like a complete failure as a mother with my reaction inside the shelter. How I felt such heavy guilt for imposing on B&D. And then I turned on the news. And saw that the tornado had destroyed structures just 3 miles north of our house. And worst of all, they were asking for search party volunteers to look for a 3-year-old boy who was missing.

His name was Ryan. His pregnant mother had done everything we're supposed to do when a tornado is headed our way in Oklahoma: she got in the bathtub of an inner room in the house, covered herself and her THREE children with a mattress and waited. And the tornado demolished their home...sucking her three children out of her arms and tossing the family like rag dolls around the neighborhood. His older sister was in critical condition when they found her, his mother unconscious, his baby brother was killed. And they couldn't find Ryan. When they did find him 3 days later, it was too late.

I cannot get over the fact that this woman lived my nightmare. She lived what I'd feared and prepared for all day. Her babies were taken from her in the worst way. And then I knew...no matter what had happened or how I'd reacted, everything I'd done that day was the right decision. Taking them out of school early, imposing on B&D, getting underground...it was all the right decision because a mere three miles separated me from my nightmares coming true.

I have continued to think about that. I've lived in Oklahoma my entire life, had close encounters with tornadoes before. It is part of who we are as Oklahomans...our memories and experiences are dotted with devastating effects of mother nature. But I'd never lived through a storm like that as a mother. It's brought entirely new meaning to preparations and disaster plans. While on my way to get the kids, I'd called my mom and mother-in-law and sister to let them know where to meet should the storms hit and take out cell towers. So that we'd all know we were ok. So we'd know when to start looking for someone. It seemed so reactionary and over-the-top at the time, but it was necessary. I have to start thinking like that.

I will always be grateful for B&D not hesitating to open their shelter to us. For B remaining calm and collected in the shelter making the kids laugh while I freaked out. For D and Nathan taking care of all of us as they watched the weather move through. And John is so grateful that he knew we were taken care of, that we would be safe even if the tornado was right on top of us. It's just awesome to have friends who love you like family.

I continue to pray for the victims of the Oklahoma storms that day, and for Joplin and Alabama and Mississippi, too. And certainly Ryan's family as they recover from losing their two precious sons. This has been a terrible season. We're on a waiting list to have our own underground storm shelter installed because I want to be underground. No matter how hard it might be, I need to know my family will be underground, and not being ripped from my arms.

Motherhood changes everything...I just didn't realize all the ways it would.
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**Thanks for reading! I know it's long, just needed to get the story out there.**

Thinking beyond 140 characters

2011-06-01T17:55:00.001-05:00

I’ve been quiet. I feel like I’ve lost my ability to write, honestly. Definitely haven’t lost inspiration. I have daily inspiration that I could fill volumes with. Especially now that one of my inspirations is forming sentences and picking up on sayings and humor. But I’ve found my brain is operating differently.

I used to write stories. Lots of stories, long and short. My mind was constantly forming plots, characters, names. That’s how I started writing. In third grade we had a writing challenge for mystery stories and my teacher liked my “book” so much she kept it for future classes as an example. That’s when I knew I had a gift. She remains one of my heroes, as the woman who spurred my love of reading and introduced me to the world of putting my imagination on paper. If I ever wrote a book, it would be dedicated to her…I’ve known that since I was 9 years old.

This love continued for a long time. I wrote stories through high school. And in college, by nature of schedules and “growing up” I moved away from stories. By then maybe this narcisstic phase of writing began. AOL instant messenger was created. People were creating webcites on GeoCities. Napster was all the rage and sharing music files was as intimate and creative as any blog is today.

And then, blogging appeared. I’m still so infatuated…scratch that, completely IN LOVE with blogging. I love reading blogs. I love finding new blogs. I scour my Google reader multiple times a day and have several blogs that make my heart leap when I see new entries. I think back on blogging and how it was a lifesaver, a true lifesaver, when I was going through this mad journey to find my sons. But more than that, just an outlet to release all my weird random thoughts and celebrity obsession and house design. Being a young professional, newlywed, discovering friendship in a new world…all chronicled on my blog in a precious gift to my future self and maybe a daughter-in-law one day (because, let’s be honest, my sons won’t ever appreciate it like a woman would).

But lately I find myself thinking in only two ways: 140 character tweets/Facebook posts and PowerPoint slides. I really am struggling to find the motivation to write anything more. I often think of things I want to write, but by the time I sit down to do it I’m too tired or distracted to follow through. Plus I doubt anyone reads anymore, it’s just too long between posts.

All that to say I do have something I want to write. Last week so many were victimized by monstrous tornadoes. And even though I’ve lived in Oklahoma my entire life, I had an all new experience as one giant tornado touched down less than 5 miles from my home. My children changed everything. And I think the best way for me to move on, to deal with the emotions of that day and that experience is to write. And, so I will…

30

2011-04-25T20:20:00.003-05:00

I turned 30 last week.
I guess I could be depressed, except I really don't have anything to be depressed about. My life was pretty wonderful at 29, I can only imagine it will get better.
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One of the things Owen has taught me is to just enjoy the moment. To not stress about their every little next development and just enjoy the wonder that is my children in that moment. Several weeks ago my grandparents were in town and Owen was very close to walking. In fact he took his first steps while they were here, but before that I kept rooting him on and saying "he's so close" and my grandmother smiled and said "oh, he has his whole life to walk...just let him crawl for now".

A month later and, sure enough, he walks 90% of the time. In fact, I'm kind of missing the crawl! But she's right - he has his whole life to walk and to run and to rush around. He's still not saying very much, but he has his whole life to talk. We're still feeding him formula IN A BOTTLE at night to go to sleep (a big no-no according to the books for a 14-month-old) but I don't even care...he has his whole life to put himself to sleep and drink regular milk. I'm savoring every bottle and every rock and every babble.

Love the lyrics to the song "Let Them Be Little":

Let them be little, 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh, just let them be little
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It was a wild and crazy Easter. Four celebrations actually: our Easter morning and indoor egg hunt (because it was raining of course), then lunch at John's parents, egg hunt at church, then dinner at my mom's. I was so tired when I got home I couldn't even move an Easter basket to the table. It was fun and the boys got to see all their loved ones but still...next year I'm aiming for a little more low key.
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My latest obsession is The Hunger Games series. And my new Nook that I got for my birthday. Actually, the Hunger Games series ON my Nook. Yes, 30 is good to me so far.
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Colt's new obsession is "Monsters Inc". He's so funny, he doesn't obsess over "Cars" or "Toy Story" like so many kids do. No, his favorites are "The Incredibles" and "Monsters Inc". What would we do without Pixar?
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We have a REAL LIVE LANDSCAPER coming to our house tomorrow! I'm so excited to have our flower beds cleaned out and a new tree planted. And he's fixing our fence. We were very responsible with our tax return AND we sold John's Honda (since he has a company car now) to pay down debt so we're treating ourselves to a landscaper. I feel so...old...
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Headed to bed...with no promise of being a better blogger anytime soon! Maybe, but probably not!

Airplanes

2011-03-29T09:44:00.001-05:00

So I'm leaving on a jet plane, as they say. And I don't get too sad about it anymore. Or at least I don't dread traveling like I used to. But, see, there's this thing...called a 2-year-old who now knows what airplanes are. So when I told him that I was going on an airplane the next morning he got excited.

Me: "you have to be good the next few days while mommy is gone."
Colt: "go? Where Mommy go?"
Me: "I get to go on an airplane for work."
Colt lights up: "airplane! Mommy airplane? Go on airplane with Mommy?"
Me: "I wish you could go with me! It would be fun to fly on an airplane. Do you remember when we went on an airplane, just the two of us?"
Colt: "uh-HUH! Let's go mommy. To the airplane."

He takes my hand and starts to walk to the door. How I wish I could bring him with me!

Then as I dropped them off at school I was squeezing Owen and he was giving me his famous slobbery, open mouth kisses I started tearing up. Only a few days away, but I'm telling you those cheeks are addictive. Irresistible.

I imagine it's only going to get harder.
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Colt is talking like crazy. "what dad mommy?" is heard most often. School bus, choo-choo, chuch, school, ice cream, pizza are all things we see on our morning drive. He is getting better at understanding and verbalizing right and wrong choices. And his memory is phenomenal.

Owen is taking lots of independent steps. It's awesome to see him get so excited when he does it. Before we know it, walking will be like breathing and that excitement will fade. But for now we're practicing and celebrating every step and he's soaking up the attention.

Life is good!

Thankless Chores No One Notices

2011-03-17T10:35:00.003-05:00

In preparation for two weekends of out-of-town relatives visiting, I decided to spend some time last weekend house cleaning. I tend to do a good job of surface cleaning and keeping things picked up, but wanted to do the tough stuff (especially in the boys' rooms and bathroom) while I had time.

What ended up happening is the story of my life. It turned into a spring cleaning kind of session. Which is not all that bad, and I'll admit is a bit of a high for me. I like cleaning, I love all day cleaning sessions. I'm just not loving cleaning every single night after kids are in bed and all I really want to do is fall into bed for a "Teen Mom 2" marathon.

Anyway, John took the boys out of the house for a few hours while I dug out the bleach and a new Swiffer Wet Jet. I was proud of my progress, until John came home and incredulously asked me "what did you even do while I was gone?".

Enter crazy woman.

In one breath of rage, I spit out every single thing I did in those hours he was entertaining toddlers away from home. But he couldn't notice. Because there was still a lot to do (especially in our room) and I'd ended up doing SPRING cleaning instead of regular cleaning. My rage went something like this:

"What did I do? WHAT DID I DO? Well, for your information I sortedtheboysclothessweptandmoppedalltilefloorscleanedthemicrowavecleanedoutthefridgedustedthetopofthefridgepolishedallthewoodfurniturecleanedtheboysbathroomCLEANEDTHECANOPENERBLADEscrubbedtheupholsterydid4loadsoflaundryincludingtheboyslinensandwipeddowntheappliances!"

Don't worry, I'll break it down for you as I had to with John. It got me thinking about all those thankless chores we do that our families won't ever notice but that have to be done. I even asked my Twitter friends to chime in...here are just a few of those things:

Cleaning the microwave
Stain prepping kid's laundry
Sorting kid's clothes by size and season
Storing kid's clothes by size and season
Cleaning the ceiling fans
Cleaning the top of the fridge/cabinets
Cleaning the thingie that catches water from the dispense on the fridge
Washing windows
Dusting things on top shelves and mantle
Dusting blinds
Cleaning out the fridge
Vacuuming couch cushions
Pantry organization
Sanitizing doorknobs
And my personal favorite: cleaning the blade of the electric can opener (go check it right now, you'll see what I mean)

As a woman, these things HAUNT MY DREAMS. Which will be a whole separate post on what goes on inside a woman's brain and how exhausting, really, it is to live in my head. I'll be sure to tag my husband on that one.

Any way, do you agree/disagree? What thankless, unnoticeable chores am I missing?

Sing a Song

2011-03-07T15:06:00.003-06:00

When I was little, my dad used to sing to me a lot. He wrote songs, but also just had music playing all the time. He was also great at putting together mix tapes, and his hesitation to jump into iPod and iTunes has been curious. Anyway, the point is that music was in our house and in our car a lot. The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, The Carpenters, The Monkees, and plenty of other 70s classics were the soundtrack of my childhood.

One song he sang was a Carpenter's classic, "Sing a Song". I don't know if he actually sang this a lot or not, but to me when I think of that song it's his voice I hear. This weekend on Netflix, we turned on a Sesame Street special and Colt was instantly mesmerized. It was a 20 Year special and it went through all the things that had happened on Sesame Street in 20 years (I believe this was a 1989 special) and I was hooked, as well. And of course teared up along the way.

At the end of this special, they sang that song, the voices of children singing it. It brought back a lot of memories, but hit me especially hard as I really, for the first time, listened to those lyrics as a parent.

Sing, sing a song
Sing out loud
Sing out strong
Sing of good things, not bad
Sing of happy, not sad.

Sing, sing a song
Make it simple
To last your whole life long
Don't worry that it's not good enough
For anyone else to hear
Just sing, sing a song.

Colt loves music. Of course, I'm just eternally proud of him anyway but his interest in music has always fascinated me. He has been able to recall songs and words and dances since he was just a few months old. He had favorites before he could crawl. He could do hand motions before he could speak. He loves any show with music, and he's quite demanding in what is played in the car.

Recently he's started actually singing, not just listening. And if that tiny 2-year-old voice in perfect pitch doesn't pierce your heart then I don't know what will. It is heartbreakingly sweet. And I love that he will sing anywhere, anytime. I love that he expects his mom, his Grandma, his Mimi to sing anytime he asks. In the middle of the restaurant? Bring on some "Roll the Gospel Chariot". At the park, better sing "Jesus Loves Me" for all the world to hear. He loves music, and loves to sing. Always.

So the words of this song are like my mantra for him. I want him to ALWAYS sing. Sing loud, sing strong. Don't worry that it's not good enough. Sing happy songs. JUST SING. I always want that for him.

But I know there will come a time, far too soon actually, where he won't sing anyplace and anytime. I know there will come a time when he will be embarrassed, when someone will make fun of him, where someone will stop him from doing so. And I won't be able to help. It is part of life, experiencing that hurt. And for some reason, listening to that song this weekend made me ache inside.

As a parent, I've lived very much in the present. I don't read a lot of parenting books. I just live in the moment and do what feels right. And I've surprised myself with some of the ways that I naturally parent. But living in the present means I've spent little time thinking about how to handle things in the future. How to answer questions, how to handle discipline, how to handle hurts. Oh, I think about it but I don't really prepare.

The idea that one day I won't be able to protect Colt's heart, to protect his and Owen's feelings...that one day I won't be able to be in the moment for them...it's just overwhelming. It's painful and sad and makes my heart pound.

I love being their mom. I love being their protector. I love being their encourager. So since I won't be able to always fix things for them, in the meantime I will just encourage them to sing without worrying. What's the old saying, "dance like nobody's watching".

Colton and Owen - just sing. Sing anything, anywhere, anytime and don't let anyone stop you. Sing and be happy. Don't live life like it's an American Idol audition - I hope you just simply sing a song. I will always sing with you.

Darn you, Sesame Street. *sob*

Mother's Intuition

2011-02-24T21:22:00.003-06:00

So just a quick story. Because I'm delirious after a rush of adrenaline and complete sleep deprivation.

I am SO sick of my kids being SICK. I mean that in a really loving way, honestly I'm sick of watching them go through ear infections and strep throat and RSV and now pneumonia...it breaks my heart when they hurt and I can't help. I mean, technically I can: I am their caretaker. But I can't immediately take their pain away.

Sunday morning Colt woke up and began vomiting uncontrollably. In the 25 minutes it took us to get ready to go to after-hours urgent care, he's thrown up on his bed, our bed, our couch, our chair, the kitchen floor, the bathroom floor, the bathtub, and the carseat. Everytime he moved he threw up. At the time we assumed a stomach virus. But it was accompanied by a high fever around 103.

He tested negative for flu and strep at urgent care and they sent us on to the ER. Already my wonderful, saintly mother had taken Owen and I would not see my precious baby son for 5 days. Because despite urgent care having major concerns about our VOMITING AT WILL, LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS, RAGING FEVER TODDLER...the ER wait was long. Over three hours we waited for blood work and exam. At this point, every stinking sign was pointing to meningitis and I was about to lose it if we waited another hour and got in and couldn't do anything because we were too late. THAT is what was racing through my head.

But as we sat there, and watched 3 people be called back in the three hours we were there, Colt suddenly woke up, drank a bottle of VitaminWater, ate some graham crackers and began running around hysterically. Fine. No fever. And I did not want to wait one more minute, especially when they said that there were still 5 in front of us. So we took him home.

Monday, more dry heaving and really high fever. Called the pediatrician - it's a stomach bug we don't need to see him, let it run it's course. By Wednesday his fever was scary high and it had gone on long enough. I KNEW all along this wasn't a stomach bug, I KNEW something was very wrong. I just knew. Finally got into our pediatrician and sure enough - pneumonia. Covering 3/4 of his right lung. One shot of antibiotic and the next day he was like a new kid.

So, today I decided we needed to bring Owen home. I MISSED that baby's sweet cheeks. He'd stayed at my mom's since until Wednesday, we didn't know Colt wasn't contagious. Pick him up early from school for a treat, get him home and BOOM 102 fever. Welcome Home, Baby! Once again called the pediatrician, once again we were told to "watch and see". And I know that works on kids about 90% of the time. But I was riding high from my "I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH MY PNEUMONIA-RIDDEN BABY" victory. So I marched poor sleepy Owen to urgent care where they found two bulging, bright red ear infections.

I just have to laugh. Smile about my mother's intuition. Laugh about how FUNNY it is that the kids got THIS sick and caused me to miss a week of work after missing 5 days over the previous 2 weeks for snow days. All while John was gone. ALL while John was gone.

I'm freaking Supermom.

And ready for Daddy to come home tomorrow!

Owen - Your First Birthday

2011-02-15T20:26:00.006-06:00

Dearest Owen,
Today you turn 1. It's been a year since you came into our lives. It's hard to imagine a day without you...it feels like you've been with us forever.

I look at pictures from July 4th, 2009 and my first thought is not about your brother's first Independence Day. It's how it was 3 days before I got the biggest surprise of my life. I remember being tired and that day in particular convinced me I needed to take a test. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn out the way it did. I didn't even tell Daddy I was taking it! I was alone as my world turned upside down and I paced the house until your dad got home, my heart pounding. I was afraid I would be robbing Colt of his parents, afraid I couldn't give YOU the kind of undivided attention your brother had received. It's a feeling that didn't leave me until the moment you were born. But Daddy - we;;, he was SO happy and SO excited so immediately after hearing the news that those few moments after telling him were the calmest of my entire pregnancy. Mommy tends to worry, so I did.

Clearly I had nothing to worry about!

From the moment I saw you on the ultrasound, I wished you would be a boy. I wished, I prayed, I dreamed of bringing a brother to Colt. I knew that our lives would be infinitely sweeter if there were brothers so close. I could hardly contain my excitement when I found out my wish had been granted. Colt began calling you Bubba the day you were born, and since then you've adored him. He's the funniest person you know.

One of my very favorite things about you is that you are so focused. Focused is a way of saying quietly stubborn. You don't back down. Ever. And when you accomplish whatever it is that you're focusing on (getting somewhere, knocking something over, pulling something apart) you sit back and clap for yourself with the biggest grin. You know what it means to accomplish your goals and I have no problem cheering with you - even if it means cleaning up a hundred blueberries off the floor before your brother stomps through them.

I feel like I could describe you with a million S-words: strong, sturdy, stubborn, sweet, silly, sensitive, snugly, social...you get the picture. You very much enjoy just sitting in my lap and watching your surroundings. You lay your head on my shoulder when you get shy or sleepy. You cling to me when I try to put you down, as if to say "no, Mama, I want more". You don't say too many words and you don't have to. I can read you like a book by looking in your eyes.

You're sensitive, something I joke about as your ability to produce crocodile tears and dramatic wails grows each day. If someone sets you down, especially when you're sleepy, it genuinely hurts your feelings. So you're promptly scooped back up and your round cheeks are kissed a hundred times to make up for it. That's the way we do it here.

Your giggle is infectious, I've taken more video and recorded your voice more times than I can count. Your grin is so wide, your four teeth so pearly white. You indulge my snuggling. Your hair is growing so fast - so blonde in person and so red in photos. You laugh like me, smile like your Mimi. You eat everything and store up reserves in your round, puffy cheeks. You drum like crazy and love rhythms but could care less about the melodies. You are mesmerized by Mickey Mouse and clap whenever he comes on TV. You love the bath and splashing. Your official first words were "boobear" for blueberry and "ah duh" for all done; I mean you can say mama dada but intentional words had to do with food, of course! Your favorite things are your baby blankets and your giraffe rattle.

I have soaked in every detail of your first year, living in the moment knowing how fast it goes. I am a much calmer, more patient, more relaxed mom since you arrived. I didn't know how having a second son would affect our life; I just couldn't predict the joy.

Thank you for blessing us, thank you for letting me be your mommy, thank you for being the exact perfect fit for our little family. Your brother may have created our family, but you completed us.

Love you forever, like you for always, as long as you're living, my baby you'll be.
Love,
Mama

Mostly for me

2011-02-10T12:43:00.003-06:00

Having spent so much extra time with the boys the last two weeks with snow days galore, it's been extra hard to leave them. Also, John is in training and hasn't been home in 2 weeks so they've been so super attached to me. I love it, honestly. Best feeling ever.

But we're ALL ready for Dad to come home.

Anyway, I wanted to just list a few things I want to hold onto, memories I've cherished that I know will slip away.

Owen:

So close to walking. He's such a fast crawler I can hardly keep up with him.
When he arrives at the location he was crawling to, he sits back and starts clapping. Like "yay! I made it, let's celebrate!".
He lifts his arms when he wants to be picked up, just as tall as he can. He often throws his head back to look up at me and almost tips himself over. It's the best feeling to see him be able to communicate that he wants to be picked up and snuggled!
He has a death grip on my arm when he doesn't want to let me go. And really, he's just playing a game with everyone. Anyone who is holding him and trying to pass him to someone else to hold, he'll wrap his arm around their's and not let go. Then he'll bury his face in your neck/shoulder and it causes you to say "aw, Sweet Baby, you just want me" and you'll kiss his head and squeeze him tight. He does this because he wants the kisses...he rarely cries when you actually pry him off and pass him on. Something about him loving the cuddles makes me melt.
He's talking a lot more, still no real words but he's being direct about communicating. I think we all do enough talking for him, he just doesn't feel the need to chime in!
He DOES, however, know how to scream when he's in his high chair and out of puffs or fruit. There is NO tolerance for such deprivation.

Colt:

He has been extra snuggly, as well. He's always been very affectionate, but it's clear being away from Daddy and having so much extra time with Mommy is affecting him. He wants to see me all the time and if I even step out of a room he starts calling for me to make sure I'm still there.
He's SUCH a good helper in the kitchen. Loves to stir and pour and measure things. Since I haven't really spent a lot of time in the kitchen before now, this is encouraging and exciting to me.
He has a new sign for singing - he tells me the song he wants and starts shaking his head and body like a bobblehead. I think it's supposed to be a dance, but it always means sing.
I now know Phineas and Ferb episodes by one word each, often in regards to an obscure reference in the episode. There's kickball, mom, girl, knight, monkey, restaurant, watchin', Mars...
He loves the songs off the Phineas and Ferb soundtrack, but lately he's been open to others. We make up a lot of songs (I have a great made-up one about the Incredibles if you need it), but the other night he asked me for a song about honey. So we now sing "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies and he likes to listen to it in the car.
He also has a favorite P&F song he calls "Mom". I thought he was asking for it the other day but he yelled "NO! Not Mom. Mommy song." I figured out that the day earlier I'd begged to listen to one of MY favorite songs ("let's listen to one of Mommy's songs") and he liked it and now we can add Zac Brown Band's "Chicken Fried" to our list.
He prayed last night, on his own, for every member of his family. It melted my heart as he listed each person off, and I thought what a blessing for each of them.
He's obsessed with cleaning (me = proud) and sweeps, vacuums, and wipes down tables and chairs anytime I'll let him.
Also obsessed with haircuts and the haircut kit we have at home. He likes to comb my hair over my face like Cousin It. Makes him laugh and laugh.
He's desperate for Owen to walk. He loves to take people's hands and lead them to his play room, and he keeps trying to grab Owen's hand and about takes his arm off trying to lead him somewhere. He can't wait for his brother to walk hand-in-hand with him.

Both:

They are really loving playing together. They like to hide behind curtains and under blankets and play peek-a-boo. The other day they were in another room, I couldn't see them but I could hear both their giggles over and over. Exactly what I'd dreamed of!

So blessed to have had these few weeks with them. My mom and stepdad and sister have stayed overnight during the snow days at various times and the boys just LOVE it. They love having extra family there and showing off and getting extra snuggles. My feet may be cold, my skin dry, my car salty, and my driveway covered in snow but the precious times with the boys have been worth every second!

Snow Day in fuzzy cell phone pictures

2011-02-04T13:55:00.009-06:00

So, like 2/3 of the country we had snow days this week. Multiple snow days. They were great. Awesome. So much better than I expected! Boys were great. We exhausted everything we could possible do in our house: baked, cooked, colored, movies, building blocks, curtain games, made snow ice cream, playing chase, calling our family...it was a great few days! Faith stayed curled up on a warm fleece blanket almost the entire 3 days!

Here are some of our adventures from the cell phone perspective. Luckily Aunt Julia was here to help us out over the few days!

1/11/11 and Fears

2011-01-11T11:16:00.002-06:00

It just seems like days like today, 1/11/11, can make people scared or nervous or conspiracy theorists. I guess it goes back to New Year's Day of 2000...remember Y2K and all the paranoia over changing to the new millennium? Today most of the feeds I see are people having fun with it. I'm sure there's lots of weddings happening this random Tuesday.

Anyway...it got me thinking about my phobias, fears, and anxieties. What makes me afraid? My top ten:

1) Driving at night or inclement weather - self-explanatory, right?
2) Getting into a cab at night while on a business trip alone - I am a master at cabs, thanks to the travel I do for work. But there's something about how alone and vulnerable I feel especially at night getting into a cab. I always think about the opening scene from "The Bone Collector" with Angelina Jolie. I like to be on the phone or texting info about my whereabouts to my husband during this time.
3) When my kids sleep late - because my mind immediately thinks they must not be breathing.
4) Carbon monoxide - I should probably just have a detector installed in the house. I'm terrified we'll get poisoned, and my big fear is that I wake up woozy realizing this is what's happening and I'll be the only one that survives. Wow. Heavy.
5) Taking both kids in public by myself. Yep, 11 months later and I'm STILL nervous about this.
6) Flying - always. It's easier now, but not completely relaxing.
7) Being the closest cubicle to the front door at my office - I'm always afraid some lunatic workplace shooter will come through the door and I'll be first. I'm moving cubicles in a few weeks though, so yay! Although now I'll be further from the door and any escape route...
8) Cold calls - for anything. Sometimes even to order food.
9) Driving underneath bridges or overpasses - call me crazy but I feel like if they're going to collapse I have a much better chance at survival if I'm on the overpass versus underneath. I nearly have a panic attack everytime I get stuck underneath one.
10) Open Water - While I loved Hawaii and I loved the snorkeling in calm, supervised waters, my dad had a real near-death experience with the powerful ocean and I also did not like AT ALL snorkeling out in the open water. Drowning, sharks, jellyfish...all big fear. I cannot watch "The Perfect Storm" without wanting to throw up.

So a common theme in my fears is death and death of my loved ones, right? I figure that's probably everyone's fear.

Things I'm NOT afraid of: clowns, the dark, heights. Among other things. When I started this post I really thought it would be fun and light (spiders, casseroles, etc.). Huh...guess not.

I will say that I've calmed down A LOT on my conspiracy theories and my fears about random crime and bad things happening since I stopped watching any "Law and Order" episodes. My husband and I made a deal that he would stop cussing if I would stop watching "Law and Order". Let's just say I held up my end of the bargain while I'm patiently waiting for Colt to yell the f-word when we miss a red light.

I still watch "Criminal Minds" but that's about it. Cutting those shows out of my life helped more than I realized they would. I sleep better at night, too. Anyway...would love to hear other's fears!

It's a good thing, huge opportunity, but I can always find something to complain about!

2011-01-10T10:21:00.003-06:00

So, today my husband put in his 2-week notice at the job he's worked at for 8 years, since we were first married. We've been talking for quite a while about what was best for him and our for our family, and a new opportunity came up just in time. He's been through a lot in the last several months, as the economy and restructuring are themes in all pockets of employment these days. And I'm excited for him, but of course nervous for us.

We've grown accostomed to the flexibility and the trust that being a long-term employee brings. We have both worked at the same places for our entire marriage. Which means that while our personal and family life did a complete 180, full of tumultuous and joyous seasons of change, our professional life has been steady and reliable. We've both enjoyed different positions within our respective companies, promotions and the like; but pretty much the same.

This new job also means a dive into more training on his new company, their policies, his position. And it means he will spend 6 weeks in training in Dallas in the near future. I am pretty grumbly about this period of time away. I think that is an extremely long time to ask employees to be away from their families and I'm especially sensitive because we have very small children who are very attached to their dad. So, I am grumbly. Even at my busiest travel seasons I'm not away more than 2 nights at a time.

He will be home on the weekends, but that's not enough to make me feel any better about it. Now, I realize that some people (military spouses in particular) can't feel bad for me. They deal with their spouses being away with NO break for a year or more at a time. I cannot even imagine! I know a lot of people are dealing with tough economies, spouses working miles and miles away permanently. Commuting between cities.

But I've really thought about this for a while, and I don't think it makes my experience or my discomfort any less real or crappy. Just because someone has it worse than me, doesn't mean that what I'm going through is any better for myself. I see a lot of people saying things like "my kid is always sick with step, but so-and-so has cancer so I can't complain". Not that I want a world of complainers, BUT I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to talk about your problems or vent your frustrations. It is a fact in life that someone ALWAYS has it worse than you do. Period. I realize that, and accept that.

I've been making a point to tell that to my friends when they're expressing their frustrations and then suddenly feel guilty about it. "Yes, someone has it worse, but that doesn't make your experience any less valid". I know it can get annoying when people complain all the time, but I also think it's ok to talk about what you're struggling with.

Sigh...just me trying to justify my frustration with John being out of town for so long, I guess. We'll get through it, my sister is practically moving in and my mom and in-laws are ready to help as needed. So I am blessed and will have it much easier than most! This is stemming from a GOOD thing, a great opportunity. And when he returns, he'll be going to a job he LIKES and that hopefully treats him well.

We should all be so lucky.

Smile

2011-01-08T19:59:00.003-06:00

You make me:
Smile like the sun,
Fall out of bed,
Sing like a bird,
Dizzy in my head,
Spin like a record,
Crazy on a Sunday night.

You make me:
Dance like a fool,
Forget how to breathe,
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee,
Just the thought of you can drive me wild.

Oh, you make me Smile.

(lyrics by Uncle Kracker)

The tough stuff

2011-01-07T16:52:00.004-06:00

This week has been on the rough side of parenting. Two mostly sleepless nights with Colt have made it hard for this girl to function. But just when I thought I would lose my mind after the 5th time of Colt waking up last night, something pretty amazing happened. It was about 5:30a and so John ended up just bringing him in to lay with us before my alarm went off at 6:00. Colt laid next to me, his forehead pressed against mine, rubbing his blankie through his fingers with one hand, and rubbing my cheek with the other. He was quiet, and just lovingly stroking my face.

2-year-olds are full of words and thoughts and expressions and though I can tell what he's saying more now than even a month ago, I still can't understand a vast majority of what he's communicating. Trying to understand pain or discomfort in a 2-year-old is very difficult. I know his throat is still hurting from last week, but it took 6 hours of writhing and screaming on Wednesday night to determine the pain meds he was on were "backing him up" and his tummy was cramping big time. Then last night, after all the waking and sleeping it wasn't until he was laying next to me that I figured it out.

"Baby, what hurts? Is it your tummy?"
"No, Mama."
"Does your throat hurt?"
"Nooooo!"
"Your ears?"
*shakes his head*
"What is it, Honey?"
Finally, he pats his cheek and says "Owie".

His teeth. Sure enough, pearly white molars, the last of his baby teeth, are popping through.

So it's been a mix of frustration and (sadly) anger on our parts the last few nights trying to figure out what he doesn't know how to tell us. And then, this morning, complete pride and accomplishment that - sure enough - Mama can understand what's going on and how to make it better.
----------------

On a similar note, I often find myself in a strange place of what to blog. I love sharing the highs of parenting, the silly and fun and adorable things my kiddos do. But as we all know there are some real low points. Times I lose my temper, times I can't stand the word "no" for one more minute, times I'm desperately wishing a grandparent would come take them for a sleepover so I can just sleep in already.

I hesitate in sharing these moments, not because they're not real. But because even after 2 children and more than 2 years...infertility is still raw to me. And I'm afraid to "complain" about my kids or being a mom for fear that people will think I'm not grateful.

I remember thinking "I'd give anything to be kept up all night by a colicky baby" or "I'd love to have stretch marks if I had a baby" and getting very angry with people who complained about such things. Time marches on and lives change. But I'm not sure when I'll be able to really, really let go of that part of me that wanted something SO desperately. I got it - and sometimes it still feels unreal to me.

I wasn't prepared for this

2011-01-05T14:04:00.006-06:00

UPDATE: Colt is fabulous after his surgery! Thanks for all the positive thoughts and prayers. More on that at another time.

Today I want to write about the OTHER little man in my life, Owen. The tiny squishy baby that has turned into a BOY overnight. A lot has been spoken of his older brother lately, and that will probably happen a lot because Colt is loud and showy and doing saying lots of cute 2-year-old sayings.

But somehow, while we were trying to keep up with Colt, Owen quietly and quickly grew up.

It hit me like a ton a bricks after taking the first photo below two weeks ago. He's been pulling up, standing, crawling for over a month now, but two weeks ago when I was dropping him off at school I caught this moment and I couldn't stop staring at how much he's changed. How TALL he is, his sweet facial expression, even how long his hair is growing.

I realized that I had never once imagined what it would be like when he started walking. When he turned one. When he grew up. I have always, always pictured him as my BABY. In my mind he's forever 4 months old.

I feel a mixture of things. Of course I'm grateful that he is growing and accomplishing milestones and developing. But the speed at which these things are happening seem to be so much faster than with Colt. I spent so much of my time with Owen just reveling in his babyness - enjoying my maternity leave, holding him longer, not sharing him as much, and pretty much putting aside WORRYING. No more first-time mom worries and trying to do things by the book. And it was (is) wondrous and joyous.

But it's making it that much harder to let go and let him grow up. He doesn't eat baby food at all. He's almost off bottles. Not a paci boy. Nearly walking. Not a night cuddler anymore. Not really a cuddler at all these days since he'd rather be down and exploring (I know this will pass as Colt is in a phase where he cuddles a lot). He's closer to climbing out of his crib than Colt is.

This is our last baby. And no matter how much he can do or how old he gets, as long as I'm living my baby he'll be.

Owen - slow down. Come fall asleep on Mama's shoulder once in a while! I love you SO MUCH, my Sugar Bear.

New Years Goals

2011-01-01T10:12:00.001-06:00

You know, 2010 was a pretty great year for us. I'm sad to see it go, in a way. I really don't have anything to complain about except maybe medical bills and the cost of diapers...but not even that could damper a year that we welcomed our sweet second son, my work provided some awesome new challenges and responsibilities, our extended family stayed safe and healthy, I lost weight, our children were blessed, we're employed.

Next year I have a few goals. Simple, specific and beneficial.

1) more one-on-one time with owen at bedtime, specifically spent reading. Colt is not so into books and I'd like for at least one of my kids to love books like I do. I feel like owen is my best shot at this stage!

2) make it a nightly habit to brush colt's teeth. Right now it's just if we remember.

3) meal plan and cook more meals at home. In the last few months we have eaten dinner at home more. Really for no other reason than the kids are prone to epic meltdowns near their bedtime. And I noticed something...they eat SO much better when we're all there, at our table, eating off our plates. They get excited, even over Hamburger Helper. So goodbye to the regular expense and "convenience" of take out. I'm not committing to healthier meals or a large variety or even a certain number of days each week. Just simply more meals at home, together.

4) watch my portions and make better food choices. Say no. I'd love to be down another 15 pounds by the time I'm 30 in April. But I'm not going to stress about it. Out of financial necessity I'm dropping my membership to weight watchers in January but I haven't been following it to a T for a while and I haven't gained any! So further better choices should help knock the pounds off! Plus owen pretty much only eats fruits and veggies, in mass quantities, so that should help my snacking options!

5) be a better wife. I'm quick to anger, quick to become irritated, and I operate in a "what's fair" mindset. All have taken a toll and I don't like the kind of nagging personality it makes me. So I want to work on being fun and supportive and helpful as a wife, not just as a mom.

There are other things: be a better friend, watch my attitude, spend more time with family, potty train Colt. But I'll worry about those as I go. For now, my top 5 goals for 2011 are above.

Happy New Year!

Surgery

2010-12-30T15:23:00.001-06:00

Colt and I checked in the hospital early this morning to have his tonsils and adenoids removed and new ear tubes put in. I was so nervous, but no need to be. I know he'll continue to be sore for a while but in the 5 hours he's been out of surgery he's eaten scrambled eggs, yogurt, mac and cheese, Popsicles, chocolate milk, Sprite, apple juice, and French fries. This is the same kid that didn't eat for 4 days at Christmas, so I think he's going to be fine.

Doctor said his tonsils and adenoids were both very large and his ears full of fluid. Once the soreness wears off he should feel better than he has in a long time. We're in the hospital through tonight and hoping for a quick recovery at home.

Your Second Birthday

2010-12-16T15:13:00.006-06:00

My dear, sweet, wonderful first born son,

Today you turn TWO years old! I can't believe you're two, but more than that I can't believe I've been a mom for two years now! It seems like yesterday. I can recall every second of December 16, 2008 from the moment I got up until I was dozing that night with you sleeping next to me. All tiny 9 lbs, 7 oz of you.

You have enriched my life and made it so full. Full of joy, full of wonder, full of patience, and so full of love sometimes I can't breathe. You are innately curious, and born to love people. You are the most sensitive, loving, empathetic child I've ever known and you teach me daily to stop and look at the world beyond my own two eyes.

Right now, you want to hug everything. You literally appreciate everything that comes across your path: Christmas trees, pumpkins, jackets, toys, your brother, bathwater...it doesn't matter how big or how small, you show your appreciation by hugging everything. We drove through Christmas lights the other night and you begged to get out and "ug" every tree you saw until we finally pulled over, got you out in 20-degree weather, and let you hug the Christmas tree. And you were then content to be on your merry way.

I feel such pride when I see you this way. But nothing has brought me to tears more than watching you be a big brother. Caring for Owen's every need, sharing your things like most 2-year-olds can't comprehend, calming him when he cries, and excitedly spouting off your stories to him as if he can understand every detail. I didn't know how having a baby so soon after you'd become our baby would affect you. Now I know - you were born to be a big brother.

You're talking all the time now. I can't get enough, honestly. Even with the "why's" and the "mama mama mama"...it's all just so new for me and I laugh every time we talk. We sat at the kitchen table a few weeks ago before church, and you ate Cheerio's with a bowl and spoon and we chatted like it was a regular tradition. I felt like discussing colleges or homework or something. You're an old soul, my boy. And old soul with the curiosity of a child I hope you never lose.

I expected to kiss your boo-boo's and try to take away your aches and pains. But I never expected that YOU would be kissing MY boo-boo's. I never expected you'd have such a concern for a band-aid on MY finger, and that you'd stop each time you saw it to kiss it. But that's just who you are - always concerned about others and making sure smiles are abundant.

You're a creature of habit and it's been easy to find what makes you tick. You love suckers, you love Perry the Platypus, you love music (and still love mama's singing!), you love showing off. You love belly laughs and tackling Daddy in the floor. You love kissing your brother and seeing him first thing in the morning.

You made me a mom, and I can't imagine anything I could do that will repay you for blessing my life in this way. Feeding you, clothing you, caring for you...it's all felt like winning the lottery and I am blessed beyond measure. Tonight I will see you, you'll hug my neck, we'll curl up on the couch and watch your TV show. Then we'll sit in your rocker in the dark and together we'll sing "God is so Good" as we always do, your tiny voice in unison with mine. And my heart will be full.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Love,
Mama

The 2nd Birthday Bash

2010-12-12T19:06:00.011-06:00

Despite a minor snafu with the cake (that turned out was a blessing in disguise) the party to celebrate Colt's 2nd birthday went off without a hitch! My sister made the super cool sign (that tore and blew away about 30 minutes after putting it up, thanks 30 mph winds) and we had a fun Phineas and Ferb theme. Colt was excited and loved all the guests and the presents. Can't believe I've got another birthday party under my belt...only two months until Owen's first big bash!

Things

2010-12-08T15:13:00.003-06:00

Things I am avoiding doing that MUST be done:
-Planning food and decorations for Colt's birthday party THIS SATURDAY
-Paying medical bills
-Ordering Christmas cards
-Making my Christmas card list
-Ordering family photos
-Christmas shopping (online or otherwise)
-Coming up with family traditions for Christmas
-Finishing my presentation at work
-Planning dinner and babysitter instructions for our night out to Michael Buble concert TONIGHT
-Wrapping presents
-Laundry
-Buying presents for daycare teachers
-Tracking Weight Watchers points

Things I don't have to worry about:
-Cleaning my house - it's been pretty well-maintained
-Budgeting for Christmas shopping - DONE!
-Finishing this other presentation - DONE!

Things I'm doing instead:
-Blogging...enough said

Elizabeth Edwards

2010-12-07T20:40:00.004-06:00

I saw the news that Elizabeth Edwards died today, and it made me much more sad than I expected. I wouldn't ever say I was a huge fan of her husband's, and I tend to approach all things politics with a cynical attitude. So, I don't know the true Elizabeth Edwards.

But I know her reputation. And her reputation, what she'll be remembered by, is that she was kind, she was loyal, and she was an amazing wife and mother. She persevered, she rose above the tragedies and scandals. She had a grace and a presence about her.

So, I don't know if that's what she was like when cameras were off and she was surrounded only by those who loved her. I sure hope she was like that. But I DO know that I can only hope to be remembered that way. And it's a life worth striving for.

Sleep well, Elizabeth. Rest in peace.

Pictures from the last month

2010-12-07T20:26:00.013-06:00

They crush me

2010-12-03T09:28:00.004-06:00

So many pictures, so little time to organize and post! Here are a couple from the last week from my phone. Not the greatest quality but both capture the boys' sweetness right now.

Last night I put up the rest of our Christmas decorations. We'd put the tree up before Thanksgiving, and Colt "wakes up" the tree every morning (turns the lights on). But last night I drug everything else out and got our mini-Christmas wonderland all set up. One thing I knew would be a hit was a large stuffed Santa Mickey Mouse. We got it last year during the height of Colt's Mickey obsession. So I set it on the fireplace last night and waited for his reaction.

It was priceless. There was a hushed whisper of amazement: "Mickey!" he said. He approached the animal every so gently, wrapped him up in his arms and nuzzled their noses together. He then kissed him and said "MmmmWAH". And, of course, Mickey had to ride to school with us (see picture below). He held on so tightly, his arms wrapped around him the whole way. He was crushed to leave him but said a sad "bye-bye Mickey" when I told him Mickey was going to work with Mommy. He bravely headed into the building without his new BFF.

This just encompasses Colt's spirit so well. He is SO kind, SO sensitive, and SO loving. It breaks my heart in a good way a hundred times a day. Even when he's frustrated or gets mad, it takes only a few minutes to wrap his arms around my neck and say "Uv You Mama". He is so kind to Owen. The minute Owen cries Colt pats him or brings him toys. He shares EVERYTHING. Even when Owen comes and takes something, Colt almost always willingly gives up that toy to keep his brother from crying.

And Owen is a complete snuggler right now. Over the weekend at my grandparents house, he sat with my grandma calmly and lovingly most of the weekend. He laughs and smiles 98% of the time. And the kisses...oh, the kisses. He opens his mouth and dives right into your lips. Plenty of slobber but I don't mind. I know the slobbery open-mouth kisses disappear so quickly I'm soaking (literally) them up as long as I can.

The joy is overwhelming and crushing. I can't imagine that it gets better than this!

The more things change the more they stay the same

2010-11-26T22:23:00.001-06:00

Laying here at my grandparents house in the same room, same bed as I've slept on every visit since I was born. Pretty much the same story but a few twists: husband in the other twin bed instead of sister, reading iPhone under the covers instead of a Babysitters Club book with a flashlight, and trying to stay quiet not so my mom won't bust me but rather so I won't wake my sleeping oldest son. This room is full of love and memories!

The Dragon and the Puppy

2010-10-29T14:52:00.002-05:00

There will be more photos to come, but a sneak peek at the boys ready for some Halloween awesomness. I just want to eat them up!

Videos of the boys!

2010-10-26T22:29:00.003-05:00

John here...Jessica told me to get on her blog tonight and post a couple of videos of the boys, so here ya go!

The first is Owen. He is definately not camera shy. He is now sitting up on his own, and discovered how to put his paci in all by himself. You will rarely ever see him not smiling!

This one is of Colt after he helped daddy carve his first pumpkin (or as Colt calls it, the momkey).

Survival Mode

2010-10-21T08:37:00.003-05:00

So we've been operating in "survival mode" for quite some time. You know - cutting corners, doing things (or not doing things) we feel pretty guilty about to make it through the day. And I don't mean bad things...I mean things like we eat out far too often, or give Colt hot dogs for dinner 3 nights in a row, we don't eat together as a family, sometimes we keep Colt up too late just for some play time, or skip Owen's bath for the third night in a row and instead wipe him down with a baby wipe. You know you're in survival mode when it takes you 4 days to complete a blog post.

I think every family hits times where it's "survival mode". I don't believe this is just an issue in families where both parents work, though I've been struggling with feeling like that lately. Work, for me, has been both awesome and exhausting lately. Most of you know this is the time of year that I travel and this year was probably the most travel I've ever had in a season. I believe we've come through it with grace and peace and continued thankfulness for having family at every corner who can help get us through.

There are lots of things in survival mode I want to change. Going to church more often is a big one. We go every Sunday morning but I'd like to go Wednesday nights and spend more time with our small group/Bible class. Unfortunately that's one that probably will have to wait as my kids are melting down and ready for bed by 7p during the week, sometimes earlier.

Spending time with my husband that doesn't involve football games or favorite sitcoms (meaning out of the house) is a big one. But unfortunately every extra minute I have outside of work I'm wanting to be with the boys. Or asleep!

One thing I have taken control of is weight loss and exercise. It's not easy, oh no. Not easy. But I joined Weight Watchers, and I'm losing weight! Noticing a difference in my clothes and feeling better about my looks in just a matter of weeks. I personally think it's pretty impressive with all the travel I do and how little control I often have over my diet. In addition, I've joined a Zumba class and when I'm not in class I'm doing the Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred. I HATE it. I HATE exercising. But I'm doing it!

The biggest one that I often feel guilty about is meals. Colt has to eat early, he has an early lunch and is starving by the time we get home. I also HATE to cook and I'd rather spend those few hours in the evening with the boys rather than in the kitchen. And so, we've relied on Gerber Toddler Meals and as of late hot dogs or fast food. And after he goes to bed, John runs to fast food restaurant again for our meals. It seems so simple and yet it's so exhausting.

So I'm trying something new. I've made a list of easy-to-make meals for Colt. Things I can make over the weekend and reheat. Meals with better ingredients that can be assembled and cooked in minutes. And, honestly, just having a plan. It sounds so silly but I've been praying about it a lot. It's a goal I have that is going to be HARD for us. I dread it, but know that I want Colt to eat better or at least be exposed to better food.

For reasons that require their own post these meals are not necessarily for me and John. Seriously, it's a whole other post. But it's a step. A start. I'll never be known to my kids as a great cook. But I can at least feel like their mealtimes were important enough to me to make a plan and spend time in the kitchen.

I'm motivating myself to cook several meals tomorrow by baking Pumpkin Bread tonight. It's one of the things I'm actually pretty good at. So I will enjoy warm, gooey, buttery pumpkin bread tomorrow as I slave over the oven. Feel sorry for me, ok?!

Owen's Eyes

2010-10-10T14:44:00.006-05:00

This boy's eyes are so crystal clear. They are sometimes pale blue, sometimes very gray. They are beautiful with his fair skin and fair hair.

I hope they stay this way!

Baby Colt?

2010-10-10T14:39:00.005-05:00

Colt's new favorite thing is to try out all of Owen's baby stuff. Whether it's "night-night" in the Moses basket, bouncing in the bouncy seat, crawling in his infant car seat, getting stuck in the Bumbo, or getting stuck in the exersaucer he likes to pretend he's a baby.

But the last picture will show that, sadly, he is not. He's a big, giant, grown-up boy. More than his Mama's heart can handle sometimes!

Remembering the Call that changed our life

2010-10-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

It was a normal day, in fact I remember it being busy and harried and a little stressful. I'd renewed my driver's license that morning, and got a GREAT picture. I remember leaving the Tag Agency and thinking "the next picture on my license will be after I'm a mom". So weird the things you think of on days that change your life.

The client I work with had decided to sponsor a Regatta, a rowing event, and the first event of a long weekend of rowing was that evening. It was a Thursday, and at the office we were getting ready for everything. I was looking forward to the evening, my mom and her friend were joining me to watch the rowers and enjoy a beautiful cool, clear evening on the river.

It was a little after 4:00 that I was in my boss' office, talking about the evening events and my phone buzzed with a text message. 2 years later and one of the biggest regrets of getting an iPhone is that I had to give up the phone that had that text message. Anyway, the text came from a number I didn't recognize. It said "This is T from (Agency). Please call XOX-XXOX". And my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe as I called John, who was at that exact moment calling me. He'd just checked his voicemail and T had called him.

We knew this was it. It just was, we knew. Our agency made a point to not call unless it was THE call or something very important, because they knew seeing their numbers would get adoptive parents very nervous. So...this was it. We decided John would call. I think we decided because T had actually called him and had just left me a message but looking back I'm SO glad he did because I think it showed N from the beginning what an involved and excited Dad he would make.

It seemed like HOURS before John called back, but really it had been about 5 minutes. He asked me if I was sitting down. We were going to have a baby. We'd been CHOSEN! A baby boy, due in December.

I wanted to tell our families in person, so I didn't immediately call my mom. I knew I was going to see her that night but I still wanted to be able to tell her, my stepdad and sister all together. So we went to the rowing event, my lips not uttering a word. I did tell them we should all meet up for dinner after the event, and everyone was available.

During the event, T finally called me back for more info that she couldn't share while N was on the phone. I stepped away from my mom and her friend for a really long time, and they eventually came to my car where I was still on the phone. I told them to wait, I was on the phone with my boss. My stomach was churning, my heart racing as all I wanted to do was scream "we've been CHOSEN" to all around.

A little while later we all met at Cracker Barrel and I could barely get through ordering before I finally said "well...we got a call today". And tears started streaming and my mom said "the call?", and I could only shake my head yes. Yes, we'd received THE CALL. The call that would change everything.

We headed to John's parents next, where his mom was already asleep and as his dad told her the baby was due on December 7th she sleepily asked "Pearl Harbor Day"? And it was later that everything would sink in for her. Then we headed to his sister's house, called my dad, and his other sister. Then headed home to lay in bed and dream. Really dream.

There's no way we could even dream of what was to come. The joy and the work and the overwhelming love that would follow that call. It was beyond our wildest imaginations.

October 2nd will always be the day I celebrate my life as a mom. We love you, Colton!

Testing from the road

2010-09-22T09:17:00.001-05:00

Well since I'm on the road so much I figured I would try to be a better blogger and download an app. Let's see if it works! Headed to Panama City, FL today. Will write more once I arrive!
Testing, testing, 123...

Gotcha Day

2010-09-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

My Dearest, Darling Colt,

One year ago today we stood in front of a very kind judge, and Daddy and I made a commitment (formally) to love you forever. We'd actually decided long before you were born to love you forever, but this day - it was official.

What a year it has been. You're walking, talking, learning, and growing. You welcomed a baby brother with open arms. You fill our ears with laughter and smother our lips in kisses. You teach us new things every day.

Our love for you is overwhelming. Sometimes it's so big I feel like I could burst. My never ending commitment to you is to love you, unconditionally, for as long as I live. To do my very best by you. To never forget the sacrifices made to bring me to you. To be at your games, your concerts, and ceremonies; to relearn algebra alongside you; to practice locker combinations and fight over cell phones; to take you to movies and stuff our faces with popcorn; to cut your crusts off; to dive for foul balls at baseball games; to take you to your first Sooner football game; to take college tours at any college you want (except U of Texas). I just commit to being your mom through good times and bad, and never ever taking for granted each day you're with me.

We love you, and we celebrate this day as yet another milestone in our journey as a family. You made us parents - thank you for being such an amazing son.

Love, Mommy

A healthier ME

2010-08-30T10:13:00.002-05:00

I won't spend much time on this, I promise not to bore you. But I joined Weight Watchers this weekend (paid a month in advance and everything) and I am EXCITED!! The main reason? The Weigh Watcher iPhone app. Holy Cow, it's awesome. Recipes, easy points tracker, motivational tools....I'm addicted.

I'm also truly ready to make a change. I spent the month of August refraining from eating sweets (except for when I visited my great-grandparents because bonding over dessert is their thing, and who am I to say no to that?! I hadn't seen them in several years). And it showed me the willpower I am capable of possessing. I haven't seen a lot of change in the way my clothes fit or the my body (which means I'm not as addicted to sweets as I thought) but I do feel good about just saying no.

I have never even imagined the weight I'm at now. I keep thinking I don't look as big as pictures of me suggest I am. But I'm ready to fit into my clothes and feel good about it, I'm ready to exercise, and I'm ready to not be controlled by food.

Wish me luck. I really am serious about it this time, I have an exercise plan in place as well. I WANT to be successful and I have several friends in this with me so that helps. I'll be posting occasionally, but it's taking over my extra brainpower right now so I had to get it out there.

A healthier ME is coming!

Work-Life Balance?

2010-08-26T19:11:00.002-05:00

I've been on 5 business trips since mid-July, with three major ones to come before October. The next three are big ones: to Cabo San Lucas, Panama City Beach, and Lake Tahoe. Excited to travel places I've never been...but it's never easy. And I'm already really tired and worn out.

I don't talk a lot about work here. I'm open with my identity, so I am careful about saying good or bad things about work. I work in public relations, I imagine most of you know the client I represent at my agency. But still I don't say much because I never know.

I LOVE my job and especially recently it's been a welcome challenge. Lots of responsibility and leadership has been awarded to me over the last several years and lately it seems to have exploded. It's interesting because after Colt was born I felt distant and unmotivated to work. Days were long and I struggled with finally having my son and not being able to be at home with him. I realize now a lot of that came from being pregnant, too. It did a number on my body!

Anyway, strangely enough since I came back to work from Owen's birth I've been full of energy and excitement. I've had multiple people comment on my energy and say how impressed they were. I miss my children terribly during the day AND especially when I travel, but I'm sure thankful for a job that challenges me, excites me, invests in me, is flexible with me.

What I've found is that, for the most part, the energy I get at work translates to energy with my kids. And it means I rarely want to have girls nights or date nights or weekends away if it means being away from those boys. I cherish every.single.second. So for right now, things are good. No, they are great. And I love my work, I love my relationships at home, I love the chaos. I'm happy.

I've pondered something for several months now, a little tiff I got in with a friend on Facebook. A tiff I, admittedly, invited myself into. I'm so glad now that I didn't write about it immediately, when my emotions were raw and my tempers were flaring. I've had a lot of time to consider her words and luckily I feel exactly the same as I did when they were fresh: but I'm much calmer and have found so much peace since then.

I long-ago promised myself I would not engage in Mommy-war style dialogue. I find it doesn't help anyone, and what I did was take a statement too personally and stepped right into the war I swore I would void. So I accept responsibility for the hurtful opinion she expressed. And I've learned my lesson: just like politics, stay away from mommy-war issues (even if they are mean and hurtful to me personally) especially on Facebook. It's a forum to report lunches or ask for prayers or share pictures of the kids. It's not place for bickering.

I am still FB friends with this person, no reason not to be. To not be would mean I found her words so painful or truthful that I couldn't face her; to not be would mean I didn't respect her and all she's done for me; to not be meant that it bothered me. And while I disagree with what she said, it does not bother me. I'm confident in myself, my relationships, my choices, and I'm confident my life is God-driven and he is answering prayer.

So...there it is. I am "one of those people" who loves her job, loves her husband, loves her kids, loves her family, and loves her friends. So it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I Love my life.

And I realized, through all that pain an anger I was experiencing, that I don't need to be a perfect mom. I just need to be Colt and Owen's perfect mom. Their opinion is all that matters to me!

Three new posts below!!

2010-08-16T21:54:00.001-05:00

Brothers

2010-08-16T21:44:00.006-05:00

Well, despite these boys being together all the time, we don't get a lot of pictures of the two of them and when we do, they're not the best. Curse of a busy toddler, I suppose!

Colt is a-ma-zing with Owen. When Owen cries, he's right there to find his paci or give him a toy. He got new toys this weekend with Grandma, came home, and immediately took them to show Owen. He wakes up in the morning asking for him, and gives him goodnight kisses every night as he heads to bed.

Owen, for his part, is really starting to notice Colt and watch him. He laughs when he laughs or squeals or sings. Colt is such a show-off, I think Owen will be happy to let him steal the spotlight but he will be his favorite performer.

This whole brother thing has gone so much better than I ever expected. I was scared, worried, anxious of having two so close together and CONFESSION: I now wouldn't have it any other way. It is a BLAST!

Owen

2010-08-16T21:30:00.016-05:00

What can I say about my littlest man? He is JOYFUL! So full of light and joy. Very laid-back. Definitely going to let his older brother hog the spotlight. He is mellow and snuggly. He just loves to make eye-contact and laugh. Likes being sung to, his Aunt Renee babysat him the other day and sang him to sleep.

He's quite a little eater. Slurping down baby food like it's going out of style. His favorite is carrots, which is funny since that's the ONLY kind Colt NEVER liked. He is going to figure out that crawling thing in no time, he's a master of rolling and sitting up. He blows raspberries all the time, especially when he gets excited right after eating. He has outgrown the swing, about to outgrow the Bumbo and the carseat. He's a GIANT.

I don't know how I ever lived life without him. When I'm away from him, I literally crave his chubby cheeks to bury my face in and give kisses. He's our happy, mellow, cuddly youngest baby!

Colt

2010-08-16T21:12:00.019-05:00

I have vowed never to go two months without downloading pictures again! So much has happened. Colt is big on saying "cheese" now. He's missing one of his bottom front eye teeth, and I LOVE the little gap he has in his smile! There is a tiny glimmer of a tooth, it just hasn't made it's way in yet.

I have a few pics from DC on here. He was SUCH a great traveler and I loved every minute of traveling with him. No complaints here!

Below you'll see reading with friends, first time at a McD's PlayPlace, goofing around at home and building blocks with Dad.

This boy is SUCH a trip! We love his personality and the words that are flowing out of his mouth right now, his love of books and "Phinneas and Ferb", his hugs and kisses, his absolute adoration of his brother and sharing his toys and taking care of him...and even the every-so-often signs of sibling rivalry. He's just a joy every second!

Life is Happening

2010-08-09T15:28:00.003-05:00

Life is happening. I can't stop it, it just happens and moves so quickly.

Owen...
Rolling over both ways
Getting very good at sitting up
Laughing like there's not tomorrow
Eating baby food
Teething (stink)
Growing out of clothes before the chance to wear them - safely in 9-12 month clothing now!
Sleeping in his crib, not his bouncy seat...'tis blissful
Drifting off at night around the same time as Colt
Outgrown his swing and CAR SEAT but we still keep trying
The most joyful, easy-going baby I've ever been around

Colt...
Talking up a storm
Learned "mine" and "no" in the same weekend
Can work an iPhone on his own
Has an iPhone (now an iPod) because we're SUCKERS
Picky about his cartoons
Back into singing all the time (love. it. Especially "Let's Go Fly a Kite")
Took his first plane ride last week
Loves reading Goodnight Moon
Saw the White House
Gives hugs without abandon

These boys light up my world. I've been so emotional lately for some reason, because I LOVE the ages they are right now. It is the most fun I've ever had, the most peaceful I've ever felt, and the love in my live threatens to overwhelm me.

I take time every day to reflect on these blessings. I wish I could capture every moment in a video or a photo. But instead, I just bask in the moment. Soak it in, knowing one day those memories will flood back into my mind and they will be all mine.

I have pictures from Colt's Big Trip with Mommy. I shall post soon, I promise. It was WONDERFUL to get him all to myself for a few days, he was more perfect than you'd probably believe.

More to come. I've been reminded by several people lately that I haven't been good at blogging. I will be. More on that to come.

Phone snapshots!

2010-07-21T21:16:00.005-05:00

Colt has been "sick" the last two days and got Tuesday all day with mommy, and Wednesday all day with daddy. He went shopping and got frozen yogurt with mom. Daddy kept him busy with a social schedule: breakfast at McDonald's, visiting Mimi, Aunt Robin at their works, lunch with Papa, and then visiting Mommy at work. As you can see from the photos, he was working very hard at work, typing away and turning my computer mouse into a cell phone. Shouting demands and pounding away on the keyboard! Check out my little multi-tasker!

And just for fun. a couple of pictures from the past few weeks - Owen sitting up and Colt driving a tractor on 4th of July. And, yes, he drove it!

The What Ifs

2010-07-06T15:06:00.003-05:00

One night a couple of months ago, I had just finished giving Colt a bath and had moved on to changing Owen's diaper and getting him into pajamas. Colt was with me in Owen's room while I changed Owen, pulling clothes and diapers out of the drawer for me. We laughed, he was being curious and silly.

When I'd taken him out of the bath that evening, I hadn't drained the water. I dried him off, escorted him to his room to get dressed, and he was by my side when we went to get Owen. It slipped my mind to go back in and drain the water.

He left Owen's room to start bringing me toys from the playroom. And I remember clearly hearing the bathroom door close. I laughed for a minute, knowing it would be mere second before his whining would start and he'd want out. And then I remembered. The water. The bathtub.

The bathroom is literally 3 feet from Owen's room so from the time the door shut to the time I opened the door it was no more than 7 seconds. But when I opened the door, he'd already fallen in, reaching for a toy, and was head down in the water.

My heart stopped. I grabbed him up and he shook with fear but had barely been in the water long enough to get wet. We changed him and he snuggled all night while I cried going over the "what ifs" in my head. It haunted me for weeks.

What if I hadn't been changing Owen's diaper and hadn't heard the bathroom door close? What if I'd played along and waited until I heard him knocking on the door to open it? What if I hadn't remembered in that moment that I'd forgotten to drain the water. What if I was 1 minute late?

You can bet I drain the water before he even gets out of the bathtub now. And eventually I had to stop torturing myself because I know that the what ifs don't matter, it's the what happened and what happened was he was fine.
---------------------

There was this freak accident with Owen this weekend and I've been throwing around what ifs ever since. I'll try to tell you about it, but it's hard to accurately describe it.

On Sunday Owen fussed ALL DAY. He cried and whined and fussed and never seemed to be content. He pulled his legs up and arched his back and cried like he was in pain all day. Eventually I realized I'd forgotten his morning dose of Zantac and I assumed it was reflux-related. But even after that, he still cried unless we were holding him on our shoulder and standing.

As I prepared him for bed and changed him into jammies, I happened to look down at his feet. To my horror, his "index" toe was dark purple and swollen to the size of his big toe. Upon further inspection, I realized something was wrapped around it.

Owen has small toes, and he scrunches them up very tight. It's gross, but I'm constantly picking fuzz and such out from between his toes all the time. Somehow a fuzz ball had gotten stuck between his toes (I assume from a sock that picked it up in the laundry?) and it had a long hair in the fuzz ball. That hair was wrapped so tightly around his tiny toe that it was slicing through and cutting off the circulation.

I yelled for John and it was an agonizing 5 minutes that we tried to unravel and eventually cut through the hair. Owen was screaming and I was crying as the what ifs started in. What if it's too late and he loses his toe? What if we cut him while getting it off?

As soon as his toe was free, he stopped fussing. It didn't take long for the color to turn pink and the swelling to recede. As he fell asleep in my arms I cried and cried thinking about how he'd been trying to tell me all day that he hurt. And WHAT IF I hadn't looked at his feet? He would have lost his toe. And a toe is pretty important.
------------------

Both boys are fine, and what both taught me is that you can prepare and prepare to protect your kids and sometimes things just happen. You do have to be hyper-vigilant to keep the worst from happening but you can't always keep accidents from happening. And Owen...well, that taught me that you can't always prepare for what might happen. I have covers on our outlets, sterilize bottles, tighten and re-tighten car seats every time...but nothing ever prepared me to watch out for a stray hair cutting off circulation in a 4-month-old's toe.

The what ifs can extend a scary moment for a long time in parents. I'm grateful both boys are ok, and just praying I continue to have God guiding me in being their mom.

Quiet

2010-06-30T20:44:00.002-05:00

Things have been going on. Things big enough to take my energy, my thoughts, my emotions for weeks now. It's various things relating to both our jobs. So unfortunately I can't really go into it here like I'd like to. Writing is so therapeutic to me, it's hard to not be able to type things out and even harder not to get your thoughts and suggestions on the situations. But I guess I'll continue to bore and drive my family and friends crazy.

The other thing sucking any other life out of me is infant sleep habits. Or the lack thereof. Owen is...not sleeping well. At least not consistently. I am actually a very tolerant, rational, patient person (it's all relative), but Sunday I hit my breaking point. By Monday morning I was in tears dropping him off at school and his teacher was rubbing my shoulder telling me we'd figure it out.

We've made small changes to his routine: putting him in bed earlier rather than letting him swing in the living room until John goes to bed, we swaddle his tummy and legs but leave his arms out, and daycare is working on making sure he gets good naps. Last couple of nights have been better and I hope it stays that way. He's still sleeping in the bouncy seat, still having two feedings between 8:30pm and 7:00am but we're getting there.

This weekend we're looking forward to swimming and fireworks and running around with fireflies. But for now, I'm signing off because "Toddlers and Tiaras" is on and it's my weekly dose of feeling better about myself by watching crazy people. Night!

Life is messy

2010-06-24T09:35:00.002-05:00

After Colt was born, John and I would shake our heads in amazement at the adoption experience we'd gone through. So few bumps and bruises. I can remember this night very clearly. My heart races even re-reading that post. And I can also remember this day that happened at the peak of my exhaustion with a newborn. I know it was nothing compared to what his birthmother was going through, but it was terrifying and scary for us and it's all we knew at the time.

Then this day happened, then this day, and finally this amazing day! And our journey was complete. And John and I have a wonderful feeling about adoption, it's warm and fuzzy and we couldn't be happier with our experience. But I DO remember those days when Colt wasn't ours. I DO remember hoping he was our son, but knowing he wasn't yet.

When Owen was born, I noticed so many differences in the way I felt right away. Not in how I felt about Owen versus how I felt about Colt in those early hours and days. But how much more relaxed I was. How I could laugh and sleep and enjoy every second. With Colt, those first few weeks were a dream and he was wonderful...but every time the phone rang my heart would stop. I would stop breathing until I saw the caller ID of who was calling. As each court day came up, my stomach would churn. I loved him long before I met him, and I just had to pray that he would stay with us.

The past several months, I've been thinking of and praying for two families that are so dear to us. They are parents to beautiful, amazing children through adoption. Both families have very open adoptions, and are so close with their children's birthparents. I look to them as examples. Both families have again become waiting families with our agency. And both families have recently lost a placement.

My heart aches for them. They are strong and faithful and know that what truly matters is that those babies they lost are happy and healthy and with the RIGHT parents. Neither of these families have animosity or bitterness about their experience. They ache, oh how they ache, but they also know that the sunshine will come after the rain. And both are still in contact with the families that decided to raise their children. I am in awe of their attitude, in awe of their spirits, and in awe of what God is doing in their lives.

I highly encourage you to visit the Shockley's blog and the Satterfield's blog. They are families that have experienced the ups AND downs of adoption. They have a heart for children, and a heart for the first families out there that make such a difficult decision. I appreciate that they are so open about their experiences...it's important to know that adoption is NEVER easy. It's just not. It's an amazing process, but one filled with pain. Whether birth families or adoptive families...it can be messy. But isn't life messy? No matter how our children come into our lives, things are never how we plan. Life is always messy. These amazing families just find the strength and pray for the knowledge to get through it with grace.

We love you, Shockley's and Satterfield's. We're praying for you, your children, and the children you are blessed to know that stayed with their first families. God has big plans for your families!

Marriage (the reflective anniversary edition)

2010-06-21T13:46:00.004-05:00

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary. 7 years is so close to 10...and people who have been married for 10 years are just OLD, ya know?!

John is a great husband. He is a provider, he is responsible with our money, he carefully considers next steps for our family. He has given me two beautiful, amazing children. He parents them in a way that is full of love and strength. We have a cozy home, awesome friends, and a pretty good life. He cooks when there is cooking to be done. He fixes things around the house and cars.

Last week was a tough week for us for some personal reasons (not relating to marriage). It made me realize how often we get bogged down by little, everyday frustrations. In fact, when I look back over our married years and name the "biggest" fights we've had, almost all of them have been over small things. When it comes to money, jobs, children, we come out pretty strong. Those are not the things we fight over. Last week was a rotten week, but I was really proud of how we pulled together and supported each other 100%. We spent hours breaking down the issues and how we were going to face it. We encouraged each other. We didn't fight.

Each year I think about how I WANT to be a better wife, I WANT to try and curb my impatience and frustration. I want to build up, not tear down. Just like marriage, those desires are a daily decision. I will struggle for those goals every single day for the rest of my life. But there's no one I'd rather be fighting for than John.

A few years ago I saw the movie "Fireproof". And while it didn't win any Academy Awards, it sure holds a special place in my heart. It was an eye-opener. All those little, every day frustrations that we fight about - those are what add up to the BIG things. If we're not careful and determined, we could easily fall into a pattern of resentment. We could easily get caught up in miscommunication (or no communication) and lose this marriage. Lose US.

I have become more and more aware and concerned about the state of marriage in this country today. It's not political. It's simply looking at how easily we allow ourselves in and out of marriage. And the long-lasting effects that this attitude has on children born in those marriages. Whether or not you are religious, it is clear that marriage was designed as a COMMITMENT. It's a commitment to work through things when it's hard, to respect the person you choose, to be loyal to the person you choose, to carefully and prayerfully consider who this person will be. It's a commitment that should last the rest of your life. And, yes, there are times when this just can't happen...there are always exceptions, there always have been. But I live in a state that's in the Bible belt where marriages have a 50% failure rate...that is WAY more than just the exceptions, way more than the marriages that are toxic and unhealthy to all parties involved.

That, my friends, is a result of people taking marriage far too lightly.

So what do I do about it? I'm not sure. Still thinking and praying about what I can do. However, I know that I have to make a daily effort to keep my marriage alive and flourishing. Every exhausting day of my life spent working away from home for 8 hours, parenting 2 tiny children, keeping friendships alive, supporting our family, cleaning the house, managing insurance, paying bills, e-mail, praying...every exhausting day still requires me to put marriage first. It's a humbling realization, one that I often fail to do but refuse to give up.

I attended a funeral this weekend of a man I so greatly respect, admire, and love. He was like a grandparent to me. He was married for over 60 years to his bride, they are one of the classiest and most loving couples I've ever met. I am nowhere near having that kind of marriage! I hope to have all those years to get there. But among all the things this man imprinted on my heart, the greatest would have to be love of his family and of his bride. There is wisdom, peace, comfort in that.

Below is a song from the "Fireproof" soundtrack that I fell in love with the moment I heard it. It's really beautiful. Truly. I love the idea of praying for my marriage, praying that if either of us EVER wants out, that God will send angels to guard the door. Praying that He won't let us out. And I love the idea of praying that same prayer for my friends and family.

John, I love you. And I'm IN this. For good. Forever. I may not be the best at expressing it, I may be quick to anger at the worst times. I may complain, and I am more often selfish than not. But what you've given me, what we have together is my everything. You'll always be worth fighting for. Happy Anniversary!

A Cardinals fan and the many faces of his brother

2010-06-11T22:02:00.009-05:00

Owen is a smiling machine these days. A giggler, too. So fun! What makes him laugh? Pretty much ME! Smiling, kissing, talking, looking at him. He also likes the star friend on his play gym...just like his big brother did. He is a CHUB-BO!!

Notice Colt's shoes in the photos below. They also have STL on them...he was a full head-to-toe Cardinals fan that day!

Brain Fried

2010-06-10T15:45:00.002-05:00

My kids. Sick. A lot.

Owen on his third antibiotic to treat his third ear infection in 3 weeks. 333. It's the new 666.

Will typing 666 bring a lot of crazies to my blog? Here goes nothing.

Colt just got done with his second bout of strep in the last 2 months. He was sick as a dog last weekend, all weekend. Which meant a second weekend in a row of NONSTOP PHINEAS AND FERB. Do your kids watch "Phineas and Ferb"? It is skewed a little older (in fact it's shown in the evenings on Disney near Hannah Montana). But John likes it. Yes, John likes the theme song and it technically is a pretty funny show so HE started watching it. And then Colt got into it. And so we traveled for Memorial Day weekend and he watched lots of episodes in the car. And then he was so sick and just wanted to cuddle and veg so we let him watch all the DVR'd versions we had. Over and over. And I'm so SICK of Phineas and Ferb and their annoying sister Candace's voice. Where's my sweet Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?!

This has also turned my darling 17-month-old into a total TV head. He now walks in the door and hands us the TV remote and smiles very big and says "peas peas" while signing please in sign language. My exhaustion from 3 urgent care trips, 2 pediatrician trips, and 5 trips to the pharmacy in 3 weeks leave me vulnerable. Vulnerable as a complete and total pushover.

"Aw...you asked nicely and used your manners. Please zone out for 30 minutes and fry your brain sweet boy!"

So...soon we're staging a toddler intervention. But maybe tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight. But I get a date night alone with my husband, unlimited rolls with cinnamon butter, and steak tonight. Heaven.

Sometime soon I'll tell the tale of my tailbone. It's a tale that needs to be told. If anyone has suggestions other then chiropractors for how to fix a painful tailbone after childbirth please share.

Checking out.

Rewind!

2010-06-03T11:30:00.003-05:00

So, um, yeah...it's been almost a month and that halfway boring/depressing post has been up! I promise I'm not THAT upset about ever being pregnant again! Ok, maybe I would be, but I just haven't posted for many other reasons.

Busy, busy, busy. So let me bring you back up to speed (hello bullet points!)...

My dad was finally able to visit from Virginia and meet Owen. His trip was cut short by travel delays, but he spent some good time just hanging at the house with us. I appreciated him being willing to just hang out...he's kind of a go-getter and likes to be out doing things. Well, as you can imagine toddlers and infants make it hard to do too much! So we hung out, went to the neighborhood park, went out to lunch, and he did a lot of playing with Colt and holding Owen. Hopefully he can come again sooner rather than later.
Mother's Day week was pretty awesome. John went above and beyond by making it all about me for a whole week. Each day he surprised me with a small gift: one day it was flowers, another was lunch t my favorite restaurant that he doesn't love, another day a gift card to my usual breakfast stop, cards every day from him and the boys. Loved it. Which was a pretty good thing considering the actual Mother's Day was pretty hectic and left little time for celebrating!
I traveled to my first overnight business trip since Owen's birth. I really did ok, it was a busy couple of days and I didn't feel like I was missing too much. It was in Chicago so I had to fly to O'Hare which was really the worst part of the two days. Also, I texted back and forth to the traveling Ms. J as well and that helped a lot!
We went to see Conan O'Brien's show when he came to Tulsa. This was by far the best night I've had in a LONG time. We went with our very best friends, and we took a girl's car and a boy's car for the 90-minute ride there and back. Do you know how much I needed that? We ate at a fabulous local restaurant I'd never been there that had amazing mac n cheese. We laughed so hard my stomach and cheeks hurt after the show (seriously, SO FUNNY). And on the way home we stopped at our favorite convenience store Quick Trip and got donuts. Then, the girl's car jammed to N*Sync the rest of the way home. I can assure you it was one of the best night's ever. (Sigh...I'm such an old lady mom now!)
We had family pictures taken. It went about as well as taking pictures in 90% humidity in a park covered in red dirt with a toddler, infant, and hot-natured and annoyed husband could possible go! Actually, everyone was fine and we ended up with some great shots. I color-coordinated everyone to my necklace. So when I post the shots, make sure to notice, ok?
With mixed emotions I watched the final episode of "LOST" a couple of weeks ago. To protect the not-so-innocent, I won't go into the disastrous night of the actual viewing. But I did have a wonderful time obsessing over the episode for the entire week after. Reading theories, bouncing off ideas with other people, watching interviews with the cast. Loved that show and the way it made me think about it and after almost 2 weeks since the airing I can declare I loved the ending and feel closure. Yes, I took it that seriously.
Spent the weekend in Missouri with my grandparents and favorite aunt. The kids were PHENOMENAL. I mean, really, I have no complaints about them. They were just divine for being away from their home and toys and bed. Colt was as ornery as the day is long, but all in a good way. Owen ended up with a raging ear infection and very high fever so we spent our last morning in Missouri at Urgent Care...but he is much better now. The real highlight of the trip was the shopping. I decided to embrace the size I am now (as Clinton and Stacy on "What Not To Wear" would advise) instead of longing for pre-pregnancy size. That's a whole other post, but I will say I got quite a few jeans, shirts, underthings, and a bathing suit and my whole attitude this week has been changed. I feel SO much better about myself, which I'm hoping is translating to my family.

So, those are the BIG things in the past month. More to come, I'm sure!

On the top of the list of "things I don't want to hear"

2010-05-07T08:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday afforded me several bizarre situations, and brought back some pretty strange feelings.

For reasons I won't go into here, I called my OBGYN yesterday with a question. And I chatted with the nurse about a few things and we came to the conclusion that I need to take some medication.

That's when it happened. She said THE THING that is top of my list of things I never want to hear on a sunny Thursday afternoon. She said:

"I need you to take a pregnancy test."

Now, logically I know this is because the meds she would be prescribing for me would not be good for a pregnancy so she had to make sure I wasn't pregnant. But for a few seconds, my life flashed before my eyes and my chest tightened.

What a telling few seconds that was. My good friend told me later that at least now I knew FOR SURE that I didn't want any more kids. Which made me sad. Not sad enough that I want more kids one day, but sad that after all we've been through, after all we've been blessed with, and after the pure joy of experiencing motherhood with my two precious boys...my heart told me I was done.

It's been SUCH a strange journey, getting to this point. I remember very clearly how it felt just a few years ago to hear women complain about surprise pregnancies or talk about how they didn't want more children than they already have. And how, as an infertile woman, that stung. Because at that point I would take any and as many children as I could. I couldn't fathom NOT wanting kids.

Then we had Colt and my heart was so content. Content with the blessing God had given us, never even thinking of asking for more. And yet, God had a plan to make sure Colt was a big brother. And even though it wasn't my plan, and I struggled with a long time coming to terms with it, He knew SO MUCH BETTER than me. And then my sweet Owen was born.

Most of you know how I feel about the Duggar family on the show 18 Kids and Counting. And part of me really admires their faith in God and his plan, but a bigger part of me feels like God expects us to be responsible for the future of our families. I have to believe that trusting God also means honoring him with forethought and planning and not getting in over our heads. To understand that we could never see the future to know what's coming so we must make plans to take care of who we've got. And that is why I believe in family planning, in birth control. I believe and have faith that if I'm supposed to have another child, NOTHING I do will stop me. But in the mean time, it would be irresponsible to plan for another child when I know it's not the best thing for our family.

And so there I was, stinging after she told me to take a pregnancy test. I quickly laughed it off and assured her I would be calling her back with a negative result. I took the test, it was negative as I suspected. And I feel 100% fine about it. It makes me sad that I'm 100% fine with it, but it also makes me grateful that my life as a mom is in such a place. I've come so far from those deep, dark days of infertility and I have two sons more perfect than I could have ever imagined.
---------------------

Last night after all this, John and I attended our nephew's band concert. It was his final one ever (he's not playing next year). We enjoyed the music and as we headed out shortly after it was over a woman stopped me. She looked vaguely familiar and over the crowd I heard her say our adoption agency's name. I looked at her son and at her, and the crowd noise washed away and we began talking.

She has an adorable 9-month-old son that came to them through our agency. She asked about Colt, and I told her about Owen. And while we were talking she mentioned they'd just found out her son's birthmother was pregnant again and due in July. I mentioned what a coincidence that was, and told her about N having her little girl about two weeks after Owen was born. I asked how she felt about his birthmother being pregnant, and what a strange feeling it is.

She asked me what it was like having two kids 14 months apart. I laughed and said it's gone much smoother than I imagined, and I was actually enjoying it but that I have A LOT of help. Then I asked if she thought they'd be adopting again. She looked at me confusingly and slowly said "well, we got the call last week about his birthmother...so we'll be adopting again in July".

OH!! Ok, that's why you even brought it up, I said. She wants you to adopt her new baby. Her eyes smiled and looked fearful at the same time...yes, she said, we certainly weren't expecting it but the baby will be a full sibling, how could we say no?! The birthmother and birthfather already have three kids, and don't feel they can parent another. The birthmother wanted this baby with it's brother if possible. They'll be right at 1 year apart.

My words about my experience parenting two at 14 months apart became all the more important. I assured her she could do it, I assured her it would be better than she could imagine. And growing up together, they would be SO close. She clearly has a lot of help (her son was being passed from cousin-to-cousin while we were talking), and I told her how important it would be in the early months.

I felt SO close to her in that moment for so many reasons. We shared the experience of infertility and being blessed by adoption. We shared the experience of open adoption and our children's birthmother's being pregnant so soon after their birth. We shared the experience of utter fear and wonderment at the thought of parenting two kids so close together. And it made me realize that you never know. You never know what God has in store for your family. You could be "done" having children, or "not ready" to have more but it's not always what you plan. This was her crazy version of a surprise pregnancy, and what a blessing it will be.

God was speaking to me through her, I know. After all the thoughts that had gone through my head earlier that day...this was His way of reminding me that He's in control. "Don't go off announcing you are done, Jessica, because YOU don't know. Only I know."

So at the end of the day, I am set on being content (overjoyed) with my TWO precious boys. I don't want to have more children, we don't NEED to have more children. Our family is complete. But somewhere, deep down, I know that God's plans for OUR family have always turned out far greater than we could plan for. So I'll keep my heart open. I'll plan as a family of four, but my heart will always be open to whatever life may have in store.

Reflux

2010-05-05T15:38:00.003-05:00

So this is not an exciting post, but I'm posting it anyway because it's pretty much my whole life right now.

Owen has horrible, horrible infant reflux issues. All the classic signs: lots of spit-up, a raspy cough, a hoarse cry, constant discomfort, eating small meals more often, not sleeping through the night even though at his weight and age he should be close, and screaming when laying flat. He has a hard time eating because as he's trying to swallow, it's coming back up.

We have done A LOT to try and help. Pretty much anything suggested we try. Including:

- We have been through 3 formulas including Enfamil AR (for acid reflux). We eventually went to Enfamil Gentlese because the AR built up in his tummy and caused HORRIBLE constipation.
- He is now on the max dose each day of baby Zantac.
- Mylecon drops because the reflux often causes gas to build up as he eats. He is gasping and taking in a lot of air as milk comes back up in the middle of a feeding.
- We switched bottles from Playtex Drop-Ins to Dr. Brown's.
- We're now warming up his bottles instead of room temperature water to ease the digestion and help him get sleepy at night.
- He's sleeping in his bouncy seat in his crib at night. Mattress on an incline just wasn't helping.

ALL this and we're STILL at a loss. He is actually a very content baby for all this mess. You'd think he'd be colicky or fussy but he's not. When he's uncomfortable or fussing, I know it's because he's truly in pain.

I am just so, so frustrated. There's no indication he's behind in development, but I worry. Tummy time is limited with all this stuff. Even laying in a play gym or on a blanket on his back is non-existent so I know he will be behind on rolling over. He smiles quite a bit now but it's just recently and it's definitely not as often as other babies his age. I wonder if it's the laid-back, observer personality I can already tell he has or if it's (gulp) that he's just so miserable. I ache to think he's in so much pain and discomfort that he's not happy.

We're going to keep at it, knowing he'll eventually grow out of it. He's definitely thriving and growing like crazy so I know there's not much more medically they will do.

This mama is frustrated and sad for her little one...any other suggestions are welcome!

Our life makes me smile

2010-04-25T12:15:00.008-05:00

Don't the first two pictures melt your heart? Brothers sharing secrets, and Owen finally letting me get his smile on camera! Enjoy!

Land Run Day

2010-04-22T15:27:00.004-05:00

As most of you know, I live in Oklahoma. Not The Pioneer Woman Oklahoma, but normal everyday city Oklahoma where we have a lot of things but a Crate and Barrel is not one of them. Love it, am very proud of it. And because many of you DON'T live here, I feel the need to tell you a memory that only a child born and raised in Oklahoma can share.

Today is Land Run Day. In case you didn't know, Oklahoma as a state began formally (albeit not officially) on April 22, 1889 with the Land Run. And we celebrate this as part of Oklahoma History. This is the day the lands of Oklahoma were opened up for pioneers to stake their claims in a massive run that established such great cities as Oklahoma City in a matter of hours.

'Round these parts, 4th grade is (was?) the year for Oklahoma History. Later in high school we had a semester of Oklahoma History as well, but in 4th grade you spent a year studying the vast amounts of Native American and land thief roots that brought this state to reality.

The pinnacle of 4th grade Oklahoma History was Land Run Day. This is what we spent all year working toward. 4th graders got to reenact the Land Run. We spent weeks with our assigned "families" building covered wagons after school out of Radio Flyers and chicken wire. Our moms made (or bought) bonnets and pioneer woman dresses. The boys wore their cowboy boots. And every single elementary school in Oklahoma roped off plots for claiming on their playgrounds each April 22nd morning.

Since every school did it, every child under 4th grade spent years waiting for their turn. And when it finally came, it was the BEST. DAY. EVER. We lined up, a whistle went off, and we took off for the best land plot. I remember getting close to what we wanted. Thought it wasn't fully shaded by the one shade tree on the playgound, it did have some shade and we enjoyed our day of snacking on our bagged lunches for the afternoon.

We built our covered wagon at my friend Amber's house. April 22nd is actually her birthday. All these years later and I can still remember her birth date because it's Land Run Day. And I remember wearing a blue pioneer dress that looked a lot like my American Girl doll, Kirsten's dress, with a pink bonnet just like her.

It was just a fun day. Maybe I'll find pictures. But now you can all be jealous that you did not grow up in Oklahoma during 4th grade. It was awesome, I assure you.

The Land Run also gave my great alma mater (University of Oklahoma) both it's mascot name (Sooners) AND it's fight song ("Boomer Sooner"). And if you just clicked on all those links, you really DO want to be an Okie like me!

Thanks for letting me remember this historic day!

Wow, like, a REAL blog post!

2010-04-16T08:44:00.003-05:00

This week has gone surprisingly very well. One of the great benefits to having kids in daycare is that they have so much fun playing all day they sleep very well at night. Here I am after TWO nights in a row of both children sleeping soundly through the night. I'm not saying I'm getting used to it, rather just enjoying it when it happens.

Although, the downside is that when I wake up in the morning after uninterrupted sleep I immediately jump out of bed, run to Owen's room and check his breathing. I'll be glad when that panic goes away at about 9 months!

Another thing I've discovered: caffeine has a much larger effect on me than I ever realized. Or maybe ever wanted to admit. This week, kind of by accident, I stopped drinking caffeine after lunch. And, whaddya know, I feel asleep faster and slept REALLY good sleep each night. Now, maybe it has to do with going back to work but I like to think it's because I'm making healthier choices.

Speaking of healthier choices, I promise one day I'm going to start the 30-Day Shred. Promise. I just haven't found the time. Which is so not an excuse because I need to make the time. I have yet to fit into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. So instead of buckling down and eating right and exercising, I just went and bought "transition clothes" to get me through. Sigh...what a waste of money when I have a closet full of adorable clothes in a size I'm proud to wear and wish I could wear again. I'll work on my stomach and butt, but if someone could please encourage my boobs to shrink back to their normal size (which is still too large for my taste) I would REALLY appreciate it.

I am pretty happy with how this week has gone. I've managed to keep up with laundry, keep the house picked up, given John some golf time, AND I'm only 2 shows behind on my DVR. Success, if I do say so myself.

Today I officially have a 2-month-old and a 16-month-old, and I absolutely love it. Owen had shots yesterday at his 2-month checkup and it was quite traumatizing. At Colt's 2-month appointment John went with me so I could avoid feeling so guilty. This time it's all me. Good news is that Owen is growing like a week, 12.8 pounds and 23 1/4 inches. He's grabbing, smiling a little, making eye contact, and has great neck control...other than that there's not much I can ask from him!

Word of warning: make sure you understand ALL the ins and outs of maternity leave and vacation with your company. Or you, too, could be out a paycheck. I did not truly grasp the situation at hand and ended up losing a chunk of my normal paycheck. We'll be fine (thanks Dave Ramsey and Emergency Fund), but still...starting a second child in daycare is NOT the time to be out any money!

Speaking of Dave Ramsey, we haven't been full-on Debt Snowballing yet, but we did use our tax money to pay off one of our cars, all the remaining medical bills, and stock our emergency fund. We still have a long way to go (another car, credit card with adoption expenses, and the house) but, you know, we're in a much better place now than a month ago! Gotta love it.

And you know my ongoing hatred for all things medical bills...well, we got one in the mail the other day that I had no problem paying. Writing a check to pay for my epidural was easily the happiest I've ever been giving my hard-earned money away. It also made me all the more grateful for my health insurance as it only cost me $160. Worth every. stinking. penny.

I've gone on long enough...have a great weekend! I'll be busy celebrating my first year of being 29, as my birthday is tomorrow!

The Return to Work

2010-04-13T13:57:00.003-05:00

Well, yesterday I returned from my 8-week maternity leave back to the grindstone at work. I had been dreading it since the day the leave started. Not because I hate my job or my work, but because I hate leaving my babies.

I wrote here about all the things I wanted to do differently on my maternity leave this time. It was a lot easier for many reasons: knowing what to expect (generally) and not fearing a phone call from our agency were among the top reasons. Once I was physically recovered it was much easier to convince myself to get out, even for the littlest thing. I also did a fairly good job (if I do say so myself) of keeping the house picked up and laundry done and our general household operating smoothly.

And while doing all these things, I also worried less about "THE SCHEDULE" and didn't Babycenter the heck out of every little cry. I ENJOYED every second of snuggling with Owen because I knew I would never, ever get these 8 weeks back nor would I have another opportunity for such consistent one-on-one time. Even if I didn't have to work, I would have had Big Brother at home and Owen and I would have had far less bonding time. I am so, so grateful for the time with my second baby...I know few second children get that and I will always look back fondly on this.

Dropping off at daycare was far less traumatic than with Colt. I already knew the teachers and the schedule and the care Owen would receive. They LOVE his brother, I knew they would fall madly in love with him, too. Especially after we switched formula (AGAIN) and got his fussing settled down and made him a happier baby. I still dreaded the end of our time together, I dreaded the morning, I cried like a baby when handing him over to our beloved Mrs. V. But my heart didn't break as it did with Colt because I knew what a blessing this center is to our family.

So here I am, back at work. Trying to get into a routine, trying to balance the few precious hours I get with my 3 boys with being a great employee. All the more mindful of how blessed I am to work for a company and a boss that are flexible with me and the technology of smartphones and Wi-Fi and laptops...but admittedly struggling with jealousy for my friends that get all day every day with their babies. I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but today I will embrace those ugly and depressing emotions and feelings. And after I embrace those feelings, I'll dial in to my conference call and count down hours til I head home to sloppy toddler kisses and baby smiles.

What a difference a year makes...Brothers much?!

2010-04-05T17:56:00.002-05:00

Easter Sunday 2010

2010-04-05T17:42:00.010-05:00

FINALLY got some good ones of the boys together. The Easter Bunny was good to us!

The last few weeks

2010-04-05T17:27:00.014-05:00

We've had a fun few weeks, with my grandparents and aunt visiting. They had a blast seeing the boys. My grandma held Owen for about 2 1/2 days straight! This is the perfect time, because pretty soon he'll either be too big or too mobile for long periods of snuggling! Colt, even though battling a nasty case of strep, was still a show-off. He especially loved his aunt Linda who played and played with him and always brings good toys!

We also had an impromptu playdate at Anna's house, where we realized both needed baths and now is an OK time for girl/boy bath sharing. In a few years it will NOT be ok, so we relished the photo op while we could!

Owen is getting huge. Next Monday starts his first day at daycare...to say I'm sad and nervous and depressed about it would be a gigantic understatement. I KNOW it will be ok, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. But I'm going to cross that bridge when I get there.

Strep sucks

2010-03-29T10:24:00.002-05:00

Owen is snoring soundly in his bouncy chair, so I thought I'd hop on and try to update!

We had a wonderful weekend with my grandparents and aunt in town. They got to meet Owen and Colt was able to show off some of his new tricks...including how he can be in a great mood even while very, very sick.

I managed to shell out $60 in doctor co-pays by making THREE separate trips to the doctor between Wednesday and Saturday. First, I'd finally had enough of watching Owen writhe in discomfort and cry all day long, so Wednesday I took him to the doctor to see what we could do about obvious reflux issues. A new formula and Rx for baby Zantac later and he's like a new child! I'm SO glad we went.

Thursday I got a call from school that Colt was running a high temperature. When I picked him up he was pathetic, clearly aching and sleepy. They ran tests for RSV, flu, and strep and ALL came back negative. Just a virus...so we headed to my mom's to visit with the family.

By Saturday it wasn't any better. He wasn't sleeping, and when he woke up that morning (screaming) he had 102.5 temp and had the feverish chills. I'm here to tell you there is nothing sadder than a toddler that is shaking with chills, burning up, grabbing onto your neck and still crying uncontrollably. Broke my heart so we headed into the Saturday clinic at the doctor's office. Well, the throat culture had come back positive for strep! Good thing we took him in or he would have spent all weekend untreated! After a round of antibiotics and lots of fluids he was back to himself by Saturday night.

So we're back to having two healthy kiddos, and in the meantime spent some much-needed time with family. My grandma held Owen for about 2 1/2 straight days. She LOVES babies and had been looking forward to cuddling with Owen. She'd snuggle all day with Colt, too, if he'd let her but, alas, he is MUCH too busy to be held by anybody! I was glad for both Owen and my grandma that they had that time to bond. I also got a little time away to go shopping with my aunt, and even got a few early birthday presents!

I go back to work in 2 weeks, but I'm refusing to acknowledge that. While normally I'd think "I ONLY have two weeks left" instead I'm thinking "Wow, I have TWO weeks!!". Going to take it easy this week and just cuddle with Owen as much as possible.

I wish I had more exciting updates to provide you! But things are happy and as peaceful as they can be. I always think of blog posts when I'm lying in bed or away from the computer but then I forget them by the time I get here. Hopefully I'll do better soon!

Off to watch some movies on Netflix, which now streams through our Wii console and it's AWESOME. There, that's your excitement!

New pictures!

2010-03-23T08:29:00.008-05:00

A few developments over the last few weeks:

Colt:
- Now likes to carry his blue blanket around the house with him in the mornings, looking like Linus from Peanuts.
- We were having a hard time getting him to eat for the longest time. Finally, we moved him out of the high chair and into the booster seat, and started giving him all food on a plate or in a bowl. He feels like SUCH a big boy, he eats every bite. He's also practicing with spoon/fork though we've got a loooooong way to go.
- He LOVES brushing his teeth (after mom or dad brush first, of course!)
-He downed almost a whole bowl of Tomato Florentine soup the other night at Zio's...that kid eats weird stuff!
- He cannot get enough of playing outside. It's a sad, sad day if the weather is not nice enough to run around the backyard!

Owen:
- He's becoming more and more alert, staying awake for longer periods of time.
- Still not sleeping through the night, but is at least consistent.
- Still a total cuddlebug, he would sleep for hours on my shoulder. I'm taking advantage of this now!
- His hair is getting more and more red. The boy is officially a red head.
- Still not sure how much he wants to eat, back and forth between 4-5 oz.
- I've gotten a few smiles...not sure if they are "real" but I'm hoping so! They're awfully cute!
- Finally is digging the swing!

And that's what's going on with the Anderson's!

Just some things I was thinking...

2010-03-18T21:16:00.002-05:00

In lieu of original thought, here are some random things coming your way:

- I have an unhealthy sadness about Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. I feel lied to...the entire awards season he supported her and she raved on and on about their love and relationship. She's fighting for custody of his daughter with him. She deserves so much better. It makes me very sad. (this is my celebrity obsession speaking)

- We took Colt to his 15-month appointment yesterday. He weighed over 28 pounds and was 32.5 inches long! He is BIG and thriving and happy and right on track. Since we were all there we snuck Owen on to the scales. Already 10 pounds!! He is going to be a BIG boy too! I am so proud my boys are thriving.

- I have been wildly productive this week, to the point that all the goals I had for maternity leave are complete except for the baby books. But other than pictures and the last few months of Colt's first year, I have both filled out! I think I'll be done by the time I go back to work. I've organized our closet, sorted, organized, and packed away Colt's clothes from the past year and they are ready for Owen to grow into, I've done marathon laundry wash, dry, fold, and put away sessions, cleaned our bedroom, kept the rest of the house clean, wrote and mailed all thank you cards, wrote letters and sent pictures to Colt's birthmom, and spent MOST of my time cuddling with Owen and catching up on DVR and Netflix. It has been successful and I still have 3 weeks to go!

- I don't want to go back to work. Already. That's all.

- Owen's sleeping habits still have little regularity and are not getting any longer at night. This is a great source of frustration. But I know it will pass. It's just frustrating.

- I was cleared by my OB/GYN this week. He asked me what birth control I wanted to use. I laughed. I haven't thought about birth control in over 4 years! I didn't even know what to say so he just prescribed me some pill. Hope it works!

- My grandparents and favorite aunt are coming next week and I could not be more excited. I can't wait for them to see all of Colt's new tricks and meet Owen...they are beyond excited too.

- I love texting.

- I had a dream last night involving the Kardashians fighting at my spa day. I don't like dreaming about the Kardashians.

- My March Madness bracket is already screwed and the first day of games is not even over yet.

That's all for now. More randomness to come very soon!

Owen is 1 month old!

2010-03-15T04:40:00.003-05:00

My Darling Owen,

I can't even believe it, but you are 1 month old today! It's gone by so fast, it seems like you've been a part of our lives for so long.

You are growing like crazy. Just two weeks ago you were already up to 8 pounds! Starting today we're even moving into the BIG bottles and trying 5 oz at a time...you clearly feel like you can handle it! You're finally able to fit into a few 0-3 month size clothes, however your Newborn size sleepers are still the best and fit perfectly. I will be so sad when you can no longer wear them!

You're SO laid back and easy going, a total cuddler. I feel like your brother really helped me get my fears and worries about newborns out of the way and I am able to enjoy this stage much, much more. During my maternity leave we've mostly just stayed home, on the couch, cuddling. I LOVE THIS. I love doing nothing but holding you, listening to your snores, smelling your sweet formula breath, touching your soft hair, kissing your beautiful cheeks. You're a dream come true.

You're starting to be awake more during the day. Your eyes are dark in color but bright with life and curiosity. They have a sparkle to them, and I love to see them. You stare deep into my face and my eyes and I feel like I could drown in your stare. To watch you studying me, to watch you find peace in my smile and in my voice and my touch is the greatest blessing I have as your mom. It's something I heard about but until you and Colt were in my life I just couldn't understand.

You are NOISY! In a really cute way. You make noise all the time. Snoring, sighing, eating, breathing, stretching...everything you do has it's own little noise and those noises are the soundtrack for my day. Everyone that holds you, and I mean everyone, asks if you "talk" like that all the time...the answer is a resounding YES! You're going to have a lot to say as you grow up!

You're a very messy eater, but even that is starting to clear up. You're changing every day, looking more and more like yourself instead of a mini-version of me. You're getting used to the swaddle and it helps calm you at night. You're even taking the paci a little more each day, though it's still not your favorite.

Owen, I honestly didn't know what to expect when I found out you'd be joining us. I was so scared. Scared what your birth would do to our family dynamic. But, oh, how I didn't need to be scared. You've added so much to our family in just one month! Your brother is fascinated with you and every day he's growing to understand you and help take care of you. I LOVE watching him with you, and I go to bed at night dreaming of what your relationship will be like as the two of you grow up.

Life is getting a little more routine. We're figuring out how to go places all 4 of us, and yesterday we took you to church for the first time. I know we'll have our ups and downs over the next few months and years, but I am so, so thankful to have YOU along for the ride. I just can't believe how full my heart is. I love you with every fiber of my being. You've completed us!

Love,
Mommy

A couple of videos for ya!

2010-03-08T20:08:00.002-06:00

John here! Here are a couple of videos for ya.
Enjoy!

My Boys

2010-03-08T15:23:00.021-06:00

What have we been doing since the last picture update? So much and so little at the same time!

We've had a full-blown walking explosion with Colt. A head injury (still bruised, poor guy...walking is hard!). Beautiful spring days and lots of time outside with Daddy hitting golf balls and watching hot air balloons. A few full-family outings, our first to breakfast at McDonald's. Trying out new things with Owen, like the swing and a first bath. Shopping. Meeting new friends and enjoying great food deliveries. Joining Netflix. GROWING (Owen was 8 pounds at his 2 week check up, up a pound and 4 oz and 1 whole inch!). Colt was sick a few days last week so we spent some time just mommy and boys....YIKES!

So, it's been a great couple of weeks! Colt is still doing well with Owen, and sleep is touch-and-go but not terrible. Owen is in a phase right now that he doesn't like to be put down, wants to be held all the time. Knowing this will pass too quickly I'm trying to enjoy it...my challenge is convincing Daddy to enjoy this!

Blessed, blessed, blessed are we.

Saturday memories

2010-02-28T05:38:00.004-06:00

Just a few things to remember:

Saturday we took our first outing as a family of four. We went to breakfast at McDonald's. Which, if you know me and know what I do for work, is so very appropriate. Owen slept the whole time and Colt had a great time eating everything in sight and climbing on the table.

That afternoon, my mom, sister, Colt, and I went shopping. I was exhausted! But I got some new clothes for Owen (he's so tiny still, nothing in 0-3 months fits and I only had a few newborn size outfits) plus a Baby Book for him. We stopped for a snack and Colt discovered the wonder that is chocolate pie. He was an absolute doll all day, giggling and smiling and blowing kisses. Talking, singing and just clearly enjoying his day with just Mommy.

I know I've mentioned it on here before. But Colt has a sign that he makes when he wants us to sing to him. And he wants us to sing ALL. THE. TIME. He turns his hands like he's doing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and that means sing. Anything. Well, technically it means sing but he has particular favorites and if you're not singing that song he shakes his head "no" and signs until you start something else and get to the song he wants. He's move on from Itsy Bitsy, Wheels on the Bus, Read your Bible and Pray Every Day, and ABC. Right now he LOVES Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Boomer Sooner, Head Shoulders Knees and Toes, Jesus Loves Me, I love You, and my personal favorites This Little Light of Mine and The Wise Man. Both of which he knows the hand motions to and it breaks me down every time. His teachers talk about how he loves his songs and loves circle time when everyone sings together. So, so sweet.

Then that night, my mom and stepdad brought over a FEAST. John grilled delicious steaks on the grill, and my mom proceeded to fix tons of delicious sides. Mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, corn, spinach, and rolls. She used all my lovely serving dishes and we ate around the table as a family: my stepdad, mom, sister, John and me. Colt was in bed, Owen sleeping as well. It was so nice. I should have taken a picture of how lovely the table looked and how delicious the food was. We NEEDED that after the last two weeks...I just can't even describe how awesome it was. Then we had key lime pie to top it off. Mom then CLEANED everything up for me! No mess for me to worry about. After all that, she still sat down and cuddled Owen for the rest of the night and Bill played Wii with John (he'd snuggled Owen for a long time before dinner).

People keep telling me to just call if I need anything, and I never really know what I NEED. People have brought us dinner and that's been amazing and something we have desperately needed while adjusting to life with both Colt and Owen. Especially when I was physically so depleted. But really, all I can think of this time is that I need people to come visit. I need company. I need people to come and love on my kids. So last night was truly, in my eyes, perfect.

An all-around great Saturday!

See below for another new entry "The Birth Story".

The Birth Story

2010-02-28T04:11:00.003-06:00

So, the last few nights Owen has slept wonderfully! And I...have not. I'm not sleepy at all past the first few hours. I lie in bed tossing and turning wishing I could fall back asleep. It's really not the best of situations, as my mind wanders and I tend to get weepy about things.

Since Owen was born, I find myself feeling very sad that it's all over. I know, I know...I said I was DONE being pregnant and ready for him to be here! But looking back, I had an amazingly easy pregnancy. Yes, there was the complete exhaustion in the first trimester, the horrific round ligament pain, the few trips to L&D triage to get fluids, and of course constant need to go to the bathroom. But other than that...so easy.

While delivering, everyone kept saying I was a natural. My body went into labor naturally (water breaking), I was a natural pusher. Ironically, after all we've been through, it's like my body was made for pregnancy and birth. Hard to wrap my once-infertile brain around that.

So in hopes I can finally get this out and move on from these nostalgic, weepy feelings I'm writing the birth story. The best way I can describe my sadness of it being over is the way I feel after major things: like my wedding, or returning from an awesome vacation, or CHRISTMAS (we all know how weepy I get after Christmas)! Just need some time to move on from those awesome experiences that will never happen just that way again.

I wrote about Colt's birth story, you can read it by clicking here. How different our experiences have been in bringing home our children! But I wouldn't have it any other way, and I'm humbled that I was able to experience both births in such a magnificent way. God is SO good and SO amazing.

Just a warning: some things are probably TMI (too much information) for you. If you're my grandparents or family in general, you might want to proceed with caution. I share because I appreciate others who share details and maybe my experience can help better prepare others. But, I don't want to censor too much...
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At about 36 weeks, I declared I was done. My ankles/feet/legs were SO swollen I could hardly fit into my slip on shoes. My ankles practically touched the ground. I was in full-on waddle mode. My wedding ring didn't fit. Few of my maternity shirts fit and the ones that did were gigantic and made me feel even more uncomfortable. To adjust a few inches in bed at night took tremendous effort. I was DONE.

At my 36-week check-up I was dilated to a 2 and 90% effaced. We still hadn't finished the nursery, or had my baby shower, or even gone through any of Colt's hand-me-downs. I hadn't made a list or packed a bag. So naturally, I assumed the BABY IS COMING TOMORROW. I went to Target and bought newborn diapers and bottles and a coming home outfit, and pajamas for the hospital. I got my mom to come over in the next few days to help sort and wash clothes. I packed what I could in my bag and made a list for last-minute items. And then I had my amazingly huge baby shower where I received EVERYTHING else I needed or wanted for Owen.

At my 37-week check-up I was dilated to a 2 and almost fully effaced. Frustrating, BUT John had made major progress on the nursery and I still had my bag packed. Mom came over and helped hang and fold clean clothes. That Saturday was February 13th, when most of America was flooding restaurants for Valentine's Day celebrations. John woke up that morning and wanted me to text our babysitter to see if she could come over and stay with Colt so we could go out. Let me repeat: he wanted me to ask our babysitter if she would come over in the next 8 hours on what essentially was Valentine's Day. I laughed and said there was no way but texted her anyway.

She was available at 7:30!! I couldn't believe it! One of the best babysitters at our church and she was available during dinner time. She rushed over, even though Colt was already in bed. And she allowed John and I to go out to eat for what we both assumed would be our final night out alone before the baby came. We ate at Texas Roadhouse and then walked to Starbucks and sipped hot drinks in the corner while making fun of dating couples who were fighting, teenage girls and their fashion, and making up stories about people we figured were on first dates. It was awesome. We kissed a lot that night, John was very attentive and hugged me a lot. You just kind of lose that feeling for a while with a toddler and an exhausted pregnant wife that goes to bed early every night. So I felt wonderfully spoiled, loved, and beautiful.

On Sunday John's parents came over to bring Colt his Valentine's gifts. Before they arrived I did a last-minute pick-up in Owen's room and finally got it "FINISHED". I went to bed that night feeling fine.

Around 2:30am I woke up to go to the bathroom. And I was soaking wet. I know it sounds crazy, but I've heard so many people say they weren't sure if there water broke or if they just peed a little or if they were sweating and I always thought that was ridiculous. How do you NOT know your water broke? Well, those thoughts were swimming in my head. So I changed and laid back down. 30 minutes later I got up to see if any more wetness would occur...and sure enough the gushing started. I woke John up, and I called my mom to come over for Colt.

It was happening! That middle of the night "Honey, it's time" experience was happening to me! No check-in time, no planning, no final goodbyes. Just a call to my mom to come over and we were off. I knew they wouldn't send me home since my water had broken...this was IT.

As we were driving the short distance to the hospital, I mentioned how glad I was it happened like this. I didn't have any contractions at that point, so I hadn't spent hours being uncomfortable or counting minutes. Also, I hadn't spent a weepy evening with Colt thinking "this is my last night with you as my only" that I would have had a c-section or induction been scheduled. I was SO, SO grateful for that. He was fast asleep, none the wiser, and when we'd put him down we'd assumed we'd see him in the morning.

Once we got checked in (after determining my water HAD broken and none of the other mortifying things like just complete loss of bladder control or heavy nether-region sweating was going on), they started me on pitocin to get my non-existent contractions going. This was about 6:00am by the time we were left alone and the medicine began.

Around 6:30 a woman stuck her head in the door and asked if it was ok that a student nurse shadow my main nurse that day. After determining it was only one (instead of a room full) we agreed. Remember this...it becomes important.

Close to 8:00 my mom and stepdad arrived. At this point, I was feeling a few contractions, but there was no pain involved at all. My new nurse Amy had started and John and I were so happy because she was AWESOME. Totally up John's alley and she gave him a run for his money. We also met our student nurse. I don't even remember her name. Amy told me to let her know when I wanted my epidural.

Well, I didn't want to start it until there was reason to. Meaning discomfort. Plus, I'd heard sometimes it can slow your labor down and I wanted to be checked first. Amy checked me and I was at a 2 STILL and not very effaced. WHAT? My doctor had been telling me for 2 weeks that I was almost totally effaced. Apparently not so...still not sure which one was wrong. Anyway, I didn't want to get it started at just a 2, and I was still having no pain.

Then Amy casually mentioned that the anethstesiologist was booked in a c-section from 8 - 9 and that hour would be closed for epidurals. No problem, it was 7:45 and I was fine. Amy left and I began gabbing with my family.

By 8:05 the contractions began to get very uncomfortable. It happened that fast. By 8:15 I was telling John to call and make sure the anethstesiologist would come to my room immediately post surgery. He made the call...I was number 3 on the list. So for the next 2 hours I writhed in pain. Squeezing the life out of John's hand, begging him to tell me when the contractions were going down. He kept telling me I was doing so good and I said "don't tell me I'm doing good, I'm not doing good!".

One thing I thought was so interesting that no one really tells you is that your water doesn't just break and it's over. No, it continues to leak. The baby's head is like a cork, so each time you or the baby changes position, more water comes out. So this whole time I'm writhing in pain, I'm also being flooded with water and that's just uncomfortable. I'll be honest, it's not fun to sit in a wet bed. Amy wouldn't let me stand and walk around because of the water (once you start losing it, there's more chance for the cord to wrap around baby's neck). It was awful.

About 9:45, as I was crying to John "if the doctor isn't coming then just tell me! I just need to know if he's coming and it's fine if he's not but just tell me", Student Nurse came in. She asked how I was doing and I said "not well".

Then she gets right up in my face and says "what's wrong? are you in pain?"

Well, at this point I'm about to lose it. "Yes, lots of pain" I politely, painfully respond. She then proceeds to stand next to me and PAT MY ARM. Pat my arm. Like I'm so sweet and silly and a little pat will make it better. I look over at John with wide eyes and give him a look like "get her the heck out of here"! My mom, stepdad and mother-in-law were all in the room as well, and they were all thinking the same thing.

Before John could ask her to leave and before I could scream at her to leave, the angels descended and brought forth my Savior in the form of the anethstesiologist. I swore I wouldn't forget his name, but 2 weeks later I already have. He babbled something about risks and I nodded and signed and begged for mercy. Contractions were about a minute and a half apart lasting 45 seconds each time.

The procedure was horrible for me, but not the actual needle in the back. No, the sitting up, rolling in a ball while contractions were happening were the worst. It was horrible and I just wanted him to be done. He actually did me a great favor because he decided to quiz Student Nurse on epidural procedures and treatment and she had no freaking clue. At the time, I was annoyed because I thought it was taking longer than it should have but in hindsight it was great to see her get put in her place.

Other really bad part was that the whole time I was gushing water. Everywhere, all over the floor. I kept apologizing because it was getting on Amy's shoes and John was right in front of me, letting me lean on him and I kept thinking he would be grossed out by it getting everywhere. Amy just threw a towel down and said no problem, John didn't even notice much (so he says).

The epidural had one shot that felt like a bee sting (but didn't even hurt as much as drawing blood) and then I couldn't feel anything. Once it was over, almost immediately my lower-half started feeling like warm velvet. It was the most amazing feeling ever. EVER. And just like that, I was back to gabbing and joking with friends and family in the room.

After an hour, Amy checked me again. It's now 11:00 and I've been having contractions for hours. I was at a 3. A THREE! She asked if I could feel her down there and since I couldn't she did something and pronounced "now you're at a 4". Like I said, she was awesome. (I'll pause here to say that all friends and family except John left the room each time I was checked or exposed...just in case you were wondering I did not share my lady parts with everyone).

An hour later, Amy did the same thing as before and pronounced me a 5. She also said she predicted I wouldn't deliver until 8p that night. I was a little discouraged.

An hour after that, I surprised everyone by dilating to 7.5cm! I was moving way faster at this point. Not long after that, another nurse came in and mentioned the baby wasn't tolerating my position very well and she made me lay down (instead of sitting up) and gave me oxygen. Hello nervous!!

Within 30 minutes Amy came in to check and I was now ready to push. It was 4:15p. I couldn't feel pain, but was starting to feel pressure, and she told me to start pushing when she told me to. After my first push she announced I was an "amazing pusher" and that it would go fast. A few more practice pushes and she called in the army.

Soon my room was full of 7 people scrubbed up and ready to go. I pushed until about 4:40 and they called my doctor. He came from his office in the building next door and after 3 pushes with him, Owen's head was out. John watched the whole thing, which I love. I love that he was interested and excited and wanted to see it unfold. Soon the shoulders were out and I had a tiny baby on my chest. It was 4:50 at that moment (even though the birth certificate says 5:20 we know it was 4:50).

He weighed 6 pounds, 13 ounces, and was 20 inches long. He scored an 8 and 9 on his Apgar scores. He was perfect. I did have a tear (up until the second shoulder came out I'd been fine) and my doc stitched me up and said congrats and headed back to his last patient of the day. He'd been there less than 15 minutes! But Amy stayed with us and she was amazing.

After having so many people there and all this equipment, suddenly we were all alone. It was amazing. Owen was perfect.

The next few hours were all our friends and family coming in to see this new little boy. At one point a nurse tried to get me to go to the bathroom, and I passed out and required a wheelchair to get from the bathroom back to bed! The combination of heavy drugs (for the searing, burning pain caused by my stitches), loss of blood, and no food for over 24 hours didn't work well for me. At that point, everyone left and they transferred us to a new room. Again, I tried to get up to go to the bathroom and passed out cold on the floor before making it there. They took Owen to the nursery for the night and I tried to get comfortable.

One thing we learned from our experience with Colt was that rooming-in makes going home very difficult. I had already decided not to nurse, so we were bottle feeding. And we remembered how exhausted we were after rooming-in with Colt on the first night (which we are so grateful we did, but just remember how tired it made us). So we asked for Owen to be taken care of in the nursery both nights we were in the hospital. It was such a great decision for us because we got great sleep both nights and set us up to be much more rested when we were home.

Tuesday came and went with lots of visitors and bad daytime TV as we loved on our boy. I was in lots and lots of discomfort and pain. My tailbone was so sore, my tear, and several other things caused by delivery just plain hurt. But I was in great spirits - especially when Colt came up to see us and meet Owen.

Wednesday morning we prepared to go home. I felt much better being up and around. We had a stalker photography lady come visit us over and over about ordering pictures (which we ended up doing online at home). We dressed Owen in his coming home outfit, which was gigantic on his tiny body. And they wheeled us out to our car and we headed home.

It's been quite a 2 weeks. I felt so crummy and gross until about Day 8 post-partum. FYI...worst days are not in the hospital, they are days 5-7! But I'm finally feeling like myself again.

Owen and I have had lots of wonderful cuddle days. He's very laid-back, quiet, sleepy, and easy-going. He's already gained almost a pound, so he's eating very well. We've been on just a few trips out to lunch, but I'm trying to avoid major crowds and lots of children for a while longer. He's a cuddlebug, and everytime I look at him I just fall in love all over again. He's delicate and his hair is so light and fine.

I am so very amazed at what my body did to bring him into this world. I always thought that was kind of cheesy when people said that, but I'm obsessed right now with pregnancy and birth because it is an awesome thing. I'm also amazed that Colt is already protective and loving and interested in his brother. We can already tell this was the best gift we could give him...these brothers are going to love growing up together! My heart swells with pride, and I simply could not ask for more.

If you've read this far...thanks for sticking with me! I love my story, and I'm glad the memories won't fade since I wrote it all out. God is good!

Emotional Rollercoaster

2010-02-26T14:07:00.000-06:00

I have been working on this post over the last three days. Today I feel one thousand times better, I haven't even had the urge to cry! But I felt like I wanted to post this anyway, since it was important enough for me to spend days putting in writing!
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This post is full of pregnancy hormone-related emotional activity. Don't say you weren't warned! And if you're going to roll your eyes just do it behind my back because it will probably make me cry otherwise!

When Colt was born, there was so much fanfare around him. Rightfully so! He was our first, we'd been down such a hard path to get to that point, we'd waited for so long, we were all on pins and needles not knowing if we would get to keep him. We'd had 4 showers for him, educated so many people on birthmothers and adoption and waiting, we'd bought the best of the best for him, decorated his nursery with vigor.

And yet, once we had him home and our family and friends had loved on him, John went back to work. And I was on maternity leave. And I remember feeling like it was a very lonely existence. I remember thinking very early on that I wanted to go back to work because at least there I knew what to expect, and I wouldn't feel so lonely. That feeling passed pretty quickly and by the time I DID go back to work I cried for weeks leading up to it because I was not, in fact, ready.

So this time around, I knew there were certain things I HAD to do to avoid that feeling, or at least minimize the amount of time I felt it. I had to shower IN THE MORNING every day, fix my hair and do makeup EVERY DAY, and wear clothes (not sweats) like I was going out EVERY DAY. At the same time, I needed to remember that my job during this time is to bond and love on and care for my baby. If the laundry didn't get done or the kitchen didn't get cleaned or we slept on the same sheets for weeks...that was ok. If I spent the day cuddled in the chair with my son watching TV and taking naps, that was OK because that's what I needed to be doing. But in the meantime, the blinds needed to be open each day, the overhead lights on, and I need to get out, even if it's just a walk or trip to the grocery store, as often as possible.

Well, John went back to work yesterday. I knew it was coming, but it didn't make it any easier. It was even more difficult because yesterday was the first day since Owen was born that I felt GOOD. That I felt like myself, physically I had very little pain. We'd slept well, and the sunshine was out and abundant. And all those things, naturally, caused me to cry ALL DAY LONG. It was the first day I really wanted to get out.

The whole time John had been home, I felt so crummy. Which, thankfully he WAS here during that time because I NEEDED him. Yesterday, I just really WANTED him.

To top it all off, I've been feeling incredibly guilty since the day Owen was born that I didn't enjoy this experience or look forward to his birthday as much as I had with Colt. And once it was all over, I was sad. I realized how amazing this gift of pregnancy and birth really was, no matter how uncomfortable or crummy I'd felt along the way. I also felt bad because, as most second children know, there isn't quite the fanfare leading up to the birth. Everyone is excited, of course! But it's just different. So I've spent time feeling guilty. Wishing we would have spent more time planning and getting excited. I just didn't realize how amazing it would feel once he was here, and how much I would love having TWO sons!

I know a lot of this is just post-partum hormones and emotions. But I sure am ready to be over it. I am LOVING this baby, I am enjoying every second (between the hours of 6 am and 9pm...otherwise it's hard to "enjoy"!). He is so beautiful and special and cuddly and his personality is already beginning to sparkle. Colt is doing so well with him, and Colt is finally starting to hug on me again. It's just an awesome time in our lives and I'm ready to feel like myself physically and emotionally.

Finally some photos of Owen! (and Colt, OF COURSE!)

2010-02-22T14:07:00.013-06:00

Well, here are a few pictures over the past several days since coming home. What a difference it makes when I can't be the photographer...not many photos get taken! Now that I'm feeling better and up and about more, there WILL be more photos to come!

Colt has been wonderful. I still don't think he really "gets" it, but he loves patting Owen, rubbing his head on his side, and giggling when he moves. We made it through our first weekend, which is the true test since Colt is at daycare during the week. It was an easy decision for us to keep him in daycare while I'm on maternity leave. He NEEDS the routine, and I really wanted this time with Owen like I had with Colt for bonding.

I have to say, all that time I worried about whether or not I would feel bonded to Owen, if he could "live up" to all the amazement and feelings I have for Colt...I need not have worried. It was almost immediate how natural it felt to have another baby, how in love I was. I think it's really amazing to have experienced both being a mom through adoption and through pregnancy. The feelings I had those moments both my children were placed in my arms: exactly the same. Amazement, wonder, joy, love, and even being overwhelmed. I'll admit I was relieved that the feelings were the same. I wasn't sure if they would be.

Of course some things are different, the biggest being the physical recovery this time around. However, we are MUCH more relaxed this time around. We're not overanalyzing every cry or poop or sneeze. We're able to move around with much more ease, talk louder, less worry about feeding. So that's been a relief. And I'll be honest when I tell you our nerves and lives are much easier this time around because we don't dread every time the phone rings. Most of you adoptive parents know that feeling. I don't miss that at all.

We'd forgotten how small they are, how snuggly, how delicate. Newborn size diapers are astounding, still. We're just having a blast drinking in the moments. Owen is amazing and beautiful and we feel so blessed that he's here.

I'll post the "birth story" soon. Once I'm completely healed and feel like I can wrap up that ending. I wrote about Colt's birth story, and I can't wait to write about Owen's. After all those months of being very iffy about pregnancy, I'll admit I am completely and totally amazed with what I went through giving birth. Nothing special or out-of-the-ordinary from other births, but still special to me and I want to make sure I write it down for our family.

Hope you enjoy the photos! From coming home in the first pictures, to just this morning. Enjoy.

Checking In

2010-02-20T12:37:00.003-06:00

Just checking in. Pictures coming soon, I've got to download them off the camera.

We're doing well here. I'm more than ready to feel better though! I know it takes a while, but it just seems like with a toddler at home and a newborn I just don't have time to feel this lousy!

We've taken it pretty easy. Yesterday we went to have Owen's jaundice levels checked. They were still a little high but thankfully not high enough to put him under lights. That was one of our nightmare moments with Colt so I'm thankful we're ALL spared that! He's up to 7 pounds, 1 ounce and never really lost weight after birth.

We've been spoiled with visitors and people bringing food. We're just laying low at home and enjoying our little guys. Colt has been in PRIME mood lately, very grumpy and whiny this week. Combination of being off his schedule, away from his parents, and playing and walking hard at school. Today he seems like he might be getting back to his sweet self. He likes to touch Owen and giggles when he moves. However, he does NOT like to see him drink a bottle and not get one himself. We'll work on him!

Well, I'll get to the pictures soon, just wanted to check in. Still in a haze of being a mom to TWO boys!

Colt meeting Owen

2010-02-17T08:07:00.008-06:00

We're all still here! All doing well! I'm feeling much better, just sore and achy but I know it's only temporary. As far as we know, we're headed home today so it will be nice to go home.

Last night was the moment John and I had been waiting for - the brothers meeting each other for the first time! Colt was SO tired, plus there were a lot of people so he was a little whiny and trying to show off. But he had his moments. He was very interested in touching Owen's hands and his face, and also liked burying his head in Owen's side like one of his stuffed animals. When Owen cried, you could tell he was concerned.

The best part of the night was when my mom and stepdad were getting ready to leave. I finally was able to get out of bed and finally Colt wrapped his arms around my neck (me being in the bed was scary to him, I think). He wouldn't let me go, and reached out and grabbed Owen's little hand, too. What a mommy I felt like then!

We'll be needing a lot of help the next few days while we get used to being a family of 4. But we'll get there. We are so blessed and so thankful God has given us these two beautiful boys to raise. More updates and pictures to come, especially for the grandparents who can't see him just yet! Love you all!

OWEN PETE ANDERSON!!!!!

2010-02-15T21:21:00.006-06:00

John here. Well as most of you all know, Owen arrived at 4:50 P.M today weighing in at 6 lbs 13 Oz. He was 20 inches long and is 100% healthy! 10 fingers and 10 toes! He is VERY cute! Mom is not doing too well tonight. With the combo of meds and an empty stomach and losing so much blood today, she passed out onto the floor tonight. She is doing a little better, but needs to gain some strength tonight! She'll be better tomorrow...she's a fighter!
In the meantime, here are a few pics of Owen! Enjoy!

It's baby day!! Owen will be here shortly!

2010-02-15T15:28:00.001-06:00

Colt Walking!!!

2010-02-13T23:01:00.003-06:00

John again. Here are some videos of Colt walking. He can do it on his own, but he thinks he needs to hold on to your hand.
Enjoy!

Just checking in

2010-02-03T20:58:00.005-06:00

Just checking in with a few pics of Colt's favorite things: one, this bowl toy called (I think) Biboli? I didn't really get it, but he LOVES it. It's supposed to be an imagination toy, encouraging kids to do whatever with it. Climb on it, sit in it, fill it with stuff, or like Colt - push it around. He plays with it every day!

He also LOVES to stand in our pantry. He's only just recently tried pulling things off the shelf. But it's one of his favorite rooms!

Also, I had a doctor appointment today. I'm currently 2 cm dilated and 90% effaced. Guess it's truly any day until Owen arrives! I'll check back soon!

Snow Day Blessing

2010-01-30T11:24:00.002-06:00

So for the last two days, the state of OK has been in a State of Emergency due to ice and snow storms. This time, it did end up pretty serious, however we didn't lose power at my house like I was sure we would. Thursday I spent the whole day pretty stressed and tense worrying that we'd lose power, with lots of ice and sleet coming down. Yesterday the ice had moved on and it snowed for over 12 hours. It was beautiful and it ended up being a delightful snow day.

It helped that we had friends here to play with, too!

In any case, as Colt is napping this morning and we're preparing to venture out to reduce cabin fever, I am just SO thankful. Because I realize what a blessing these last two days have been for me and for Colt. With my office being closed (though still working from home) and not venturing out to daycare for Colt, we spent the days together. Playing, singing, LOTS of laughing, exploring, talking, eating, and even some snuggling (he's much too busy to snuggle these days). I realized today I won't have days like this anymore in a few weeks.

Next time we're stuck in a snow storm I'll have two little boys to share my attention. And while it's going to be a blast, I'm also so grateful that I had this time with Colt. Right before Owen is born, we had two days of playing with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and my attention all on him...just being mom and son. What a blessing it's been and what fun I've had. I'm so blessed to have this amazing little boy to raise. I'm lucky to have him call me Mama.

So thank you, God, for giving me these two days. Thank you for helping me to realize how special this time is as Colt's time as an only child comes to and end. Thank you for keeping our power on so we could spend our time playing and not trying to stay warm. Thank you for Colt.

I can't write anymore, I'm crying too hard. I'm one emotional, 9-months-pregnant Mommy!

Stream of Consciousness

2010-01-24T20:22:00.003-06:00

Stole this blog idea from MckMama....

Loved my weekend. Spent all day Saturday with Colt so John could work on Owen's room. We had breakfast with friends. Lunch with Mom and sister. Finally took 1-year photos before he outgrew his birthday outfit. Target portrait studio ROCKS. Had dinner with new friends. Awesome queso. Watching "The Pregnancy Pact" on Lifetime. Thankful I have sons not daughters, but already thinking about life with teenagers. Worst part of pregnancy so far...I'm hot ALL THE TIME. It feels like 110 degrees in this house. Thankful the house has been getting picked up lately since we have a playroom. But my master bedroom is closing in on me. Everything is dumped here to "get organized".

Had book club today. Didn't read the book, but heard it was all about extramarital affairs and not very good. Glad I didn't waste any money on the book. Wish I could get the drive to go to the library. But if I did, my books would always be late. Like movies. How is Blockbuster still in business? I've never been to Redbox, too afraid I'll never return the movie. I don't even really watch movies anymore. There's always HGTV.

Wrapped up a 4-month project at work that ended up not going as I planned. I still don't think it's hit me. Only have a few weeks left before maternity leave. Weeks. Haven't filled out my leave paperwork yet. Thankful John and I have already saved to cover the insurance deductible!

Insurance makes me sleepy. It's past my bedtime! With Colt going to sleep by 7:30 I'm now used to heading to bed before 9:00. Trying to enjoy it before Owen comes. I REALLY hope he sleeps like Colt slept. I know lightning doesn't strike twice though. Maybe we'll get lucky?

Watching a commercial about prescription for longer eyelashes. Seriously? Who would talk to their doctor about short eyelashes?

Going to bed.

Getting ready

2010-01-19T05:03:00.003-06:00

Well, it's been a crazy few weeks around here. Specifically this last week.

First of all, check out my little man getting ready for church. Doesn't he look handsome? Don't you love pictures in my messy bedroom, on our messy unmade bed?! But he looked so handsome that day I had to take photos. A few hours later he promptly threw up all over the outfit but...hey, at least it's recorded for history.

Anyway, we had a strange bout of sickness for Colt at the beginning of the year. I think he started the stomach virus that is going around. Through all that we found out he had an ear infection (YES, less than a month after getting tubes) and the antibiotic made him even sicker. But as soon as we took him off that and dairy he was back to normal.

Then, I started to develop a headache, which turned into a lingering headache (not migraine) which prompted my body to respond in other such ways that I ended up going to the hospital to have my blood pressure checked. Blood pressure was fine, but they noticed I was having pretty strong contractions every 2 minutes. Now, I couldn't feel them but they ended up checking me to make sure and I was not dilated at all. Went home with a pain med for the headache.

Two days later, I'd been at work all day and came home where my sister was watching Colt while John was at a business dinner. Everything was fine, Colt was playing, Julia and I were eating, and then we were getting him ready for bed. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I started having severe pains in my lower abdomen. They grew progressively worse and spread through my entire abdomen. After a few minutes I was on all fours, unable to stand, sit, or walk and crying out in pain. My poor sister...she was terrified and trying to wrangle Colt. She called my mom and John and I ended up BACK in the hospital (on my doctor's orders).

Most intense, terrifying pain I've ever experienced (well, it was on-par with the worst migraine I've ever had) but I could hardly move. To have the nurse even hook me up to the monitors was painful. What was happening is that my uterus was in one strong, constant contraction. It was as hard as a rock and not letting up for HOURS. The monitor was not showing strong contractions, because I was in ONE the whole time!

Eventually, they determined I was dehydrated. They gave me a shot of muscle relaxer to stop the contraction. Which helped some, but still left intense muscle pain. So I got a shot of Demerol (wow!) and sent home. The next morning came and I was STILL unable to walk without assistance, let alone get in and out of bed. Luckily I had a doctor appointment that day. He was pretty much unconcerned and called it severe round ligament pain. Gave me muscle relaxers and orders to stay in bed and rest. A few days later I did feel 100% better.

ALL of that to tell you the next part. We have been really dragging our feet about getting ready for Owen's arrival. We've been busy, we've been enjoying Colt, we've been getting through the holidays, we've been living in denial. But two trips to the hospital to see contractions gave us both quite a wake-up call.

I know it sounds crazy, but I've had such a hard time accepting and getting excited about this pregnancy. I'm not ungrateful, just haven't been quite so accepting of God's plans this time around. But now...well, now I'm getting excited not just because Colt is going to have a little brother to grow up with, but because we're going to have another son. I'm getting excited for OWEN because he's Owen and he's joining our family. And that's a pretty big step.

I'm still very protective of Colt, especially because he's too young to prepare for this life-changing event. I'm cherishing the alone time we have as a family, the ease in which our routine flows right now. But slowly and surely, I'm beginning to get excited for Owen to join us and mess us all up. Those same things I thought about Colt (what will you look like? what will your attitude be like? who will you become? will you sleep? will you love adventure? will you be a cuddler?) I'm now wondering about Owen.

I'm sad that it's taken me so long to get to this point, but really glad that I'm able to see what a blessing it is to be excited by God's plan and for our second son.

It has sprung us into action, we are done with the playroom and have only the nursery left to put together. A small shower is being planned for me. And I'm starting to wrap up projects at work and think about maternity leave.

We're having another baby!

Me, too, Buddy

2010-01-19T05:02:00.001-06:00

Forgot to post my favorite picture from Christmas morning after all the presents had been opened. I hate seeing the presents end, too!

Better late than never!

2010-01-19T04:48:00.017-06:00

It's not even been a month since Christmas, so I can still post photos! Finally found the camera cord and had a moment to post. Pretty self-explanatory. Between the blizzard, Christmas at both grandparent's houses, more visits with great-grandparents and Aunt Lind, and then finally Santa's visit to our house 5 days after Christmas...Colt was overwhelmed with toys. He has enjoyed them, actually! I wondered if he could ever play with SO many. We've saved a few still in boxes for a little later, but so far he's having a blast with his new toys.

He was sad to see Christmas end and family leave, but he's since recovered and is busy trying to walk and find the vacuum cleaner every day. So...Merry 2009 to us!

Also, no New Year's Eve pics this year. Our usual plans went awry, so Colt and I stayed at home, one of us going to bed at 7:30, the other at 9:00. Paaaaaarty!

For the Great-Grandparents! Thanks for the Cookies!

2010-01-08T20:52:00.003-06:00

This is for Colt's Great-Grandma!
Thanks for the cookies!

I'm alive, still pregnant, and chasing after a toddler

2010-01-04T16:10:00.003-06:00

Ai yi yi...what a post to leave hanging here for over a week! I'm much better than I was in that last post. In fact, I was much better by Monday and so ready for the Christmas decorations to be put away! I was ready to have my house back. We finally got around to that this past Saturday.

The last week has been fairly uneventful. I continued to do minimal work and try to enjoy "vacation" as best I could. No more days off until Owen arrives! I did some cleaning, minimal nesting, and LOTS of nagging John to get the playroom and nursery started/completed. I will be 33 weeks pregnant this week. The fact that we have not registered, taken inventory of what we have in the house or what we need, not even started on the nursery, and pretty much continued in our blatant denial that another person will be living at our house anytime in the next 7 weeks is starting to get very scary to me. We now officially have less time to get ready for Owen than we did for Colt.

JOHN - PLEASE GET OUR HOUSE READY!

Ok!

The rest of the week we spent together and had lots of Colt time. It was fabulous! And even though a strong antibiotic for an ear infection (in an ear that he has tubes less than one month old!) caused some vomiting and gross diapers over the weekend, he remained in a great mood and we had tons of fun. In our own house, even! I guess I'm gearing up for never being able to leave the house once we have TWO kids.

Unfortunately Colt and I had to miss our annual New Year's Eve party at his friend, Anna's house. She got pretty sick and he was just getting over a cold. But I think we all know that neither of us would have made it to midnight. Or 9:00 for that matter. Colt went to bed on NYE at 7:30, I crashed at 9:00. John did go to the party but he was awfully tired the next day!

So...that's what's going on here! I've seen a lot of interesting posts going on in blogland, especially the ado.ption blogs I follow. I want to comment on some of these things but I'm having a hard time finding the right words and also wanting to remain low key without going private. But know that I'm following you all and thinking about the various issues our little blog community is facing.

New Year's Resolutions:
- Finish Colt's baby book before Owen arrives
- Finish our house projects before Owen arrives
- Try to enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy (weeks...not months, we don't have months, we have weeks!)
- Figure out how to sanely be a mom to two little boys

I don't think I can take too much else on for this year! Great thing about being 8 months pregnant on New Year's Day? I don't have to resolve to diet or work out!

Pictures coming soon, I promise.

I wasn't dreaming of THIS white of a Christmas

2009-12-25T20:45:00.003-06:00

Wow, I am a mess of emotions tonight. I get this way about Christmas every year. It's just you lead up to this day and have so much family and food and blessings around and then BOOM!, it's over.

This year was really hard for many reasons. Work has been super stressful and I didn't think I'd get the time off I'd hoped for. I put off shopping until last week. We never put ornaments or even garland on the tree because I was too tired. Colt has been sick with a cold. And then...the big one I wasn't expecting: a blizzard.

See, in Oklahoma we rarely get snow and have only had a white Christmas like 12 times in a 100 years. We just don't see very much here. Cautiously for the last week, there had been predictions of a snowstorm on Christmas Eve. But no one, even the weathermen, had any idea what was to happen.

In Oklahoma City between 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. Christmas Eve we got over 14 inches of snow. We literally had a Blizzard, complete with whiteout conditions. And before the snow started, we had hours of sleet and freezing rain which coated the roads in at least an inch of ice. We have snow drifts over 4 feet IN OUR FRONT YARD.

My family is in town staying at my mom's and I was determined to get over and see them, let them see Colt, and spend Christmas Eve with them so John and I set out in early afternoon. It was a white-knuckled drive and there were several times we almost got stuck. And once we arrived at my mom's, there was no leaving. Especially with a one-year-old and a pregnant wife, John wasn't going anywhere.

We didn't intend to stay there though. John is a pretty brave driver and probably would have braved the roads home. But my sister called and said she was stuck in the middle of an intersection and he and my stepdad headed out to help her. While helping her, John blew out his knee (he's had three knee surgeries, involving both knees...they're bad) and they had to leave her car in the intersection and just concentrate on getting everyone home.

So, John was laid up and the roads were so bad we couldn't even get across town to get home. So, we stayed the night at my mom's house. All 3 of us, my sister, aunt, stepdad, mom, and grandparents. It was a super tight squeeze...and Colt wasn't feeling well and had a hard time sleeping. He finally ended up getting 6 hours of sleep. John and I got about 2 hours each.

And the whole time I'm just mad and irritated and worried about the stupid weather and John's knee. Instead of being excited for a white Christmas, instead of counting my blessings that we were ALL safe and warm and under one roof, instead of enjoying my yummy dinner...I was irritated. Instead of being thrilled for extra time with my beloved grandparents and aunt...well, you get the picture. We were snowed in and I was worried about wearing the same clothes and not having our stuff and our beds.

The morning was better...I woke up with a better attitude and just grateful that we weren't one of hundreds stranded in their cars, at the airport, or in shelters. We were safe. We enjoyed breakfast and presents and lunch. And then my brother-in-law came over to take us to John's family's house for even more Christmas festivities.

And now, we're home and I feel like I wasted such an amazing Christmas. I really loved it. I did! And I was SO grateful that we were there, instead of stuck at home without family. And now I'm oh-so-sad that it's all over.

As Colt and I settled in to watch yet another viewing of "Mickey Saves Santa" on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I cried and cried. It's our last Christmas with just Colt. And every year I worry it's my last Christmas with my grandparents making the trip and that the next year they'll stay in Missouri instead of coming here.

Things I DO want to remember:
-How Colt played with my aunt Linda and she had so much fun teaching him how to play with his new leapfrog and Mickey toys.
-How we all started watching "A Christmas Story" last night when it first came on and kept watching it throughout the day...as always.
-All the cooking my grandma did.
-How Colt lights up when he sees my mom and doesn't want anyone but her.
-Laughing with John through the sleepless night.
-How Colt wanted to open all his Aunt Renee's presents for her.
-The way his Uncle Matt plays with him and has great patience for him.
-The whole season, watching Colt's face as he saw Christmas lights and trees.
-How he played with my mom's Hallmark singing snowmen and pressed their buttons over and over to hear Jingle Bells one more time.

I regret that I didn't enjoy it more at the time. But it will go down as one of the most memorable Christmases I've ever had and gave me precious time with my family. Blizzard 2009...you can't get me down!

Now off to get some sleep and hopefully wake up over my post-Christmas depression. Pictures (what few I took) coming soon!

Merry Christmas to you all!!